Depressed Partner Is Nicer To Everyone Else

Br1sbaneg1rl

I am feeling quite hopeless and empty.

My partner suffers from depression and we have had a difficult 6 months.

It hurts me when he withdraws from me and is distant. One day he will be nice to me and loving and the next day he treats me though I am invisible.

He acts so nice to others but he’s cold toward me and doesn’t even speak to me at times.

I cannot understand why he is so nice to others and treats me like I am nothing.

2 days ago I offered to help him with something and he accepted. I went to see him, helped him and he was much nicer toward me. That night we were intimate for the first time in a few weeks. This was initiated by him. He refuses to tell me he loves me recently. After we were intimate, he ignored me when I said I love you. This is something that came natural only a short time ago and I feel empty and used.

The past month has been the worst. We have been together 15 months, we have had a lot of ups and downs and my love and support has never been a question. I am filled with anxiety and it is making me physically sick.

This is an emotional roller coaster and I just cannot understand why he would treat others well and treat me the opposite. Is this a part of depression?

I am desperate for answers and/or advice.

Earth Girl

Hi Brisbanegirl,

I think that some people with depression might find it easier being nicer to other people (outside of who they live with) partly because they probably don't have to interact with them for as long so they can put up a front of happiness better and partly because they know if they act the way they do at home (which I'm assuming would be quite moody, sad or even a bit annoyed or angry) that it won't come off well. I'm also guessing that since he spends a lot of time with you, he finds it easier to just act how he feels like acting.

That being said, after you two were intimate and you told him you loved him, I think he could have at least said I love you back. Depression may be a hard thing to go through, but that would have really hurt and if he was feeling really miserable at the time, I don't think he would want to be intimate and even if he did feel really depressed/miserable at the time, he shouldn't have, especially since he was the one initiating it.

He could also try to be nicer to you, even if he's going through a hard time. Depression can make you quite "grumpy" at times/get "grumpy/moody" easily, but it's still possible to remain reasonably respectful.

When you were being intimate, I think he just did it for fun and in this case, he can't really use his depression as an excuse (because he initiated it so it's definitely not like he did it just to try to make you happy and a simple "I love you back" at the very least isn't hard to do).

It sounds to me like he is being a bit abusive possibly? Do you think something like couples therapy might help?

ABC01

Dear Br1sbaneg1rl,

As someone who suffers from depression and am currently having a tough time with it, it is very easy to react to the people you love the most in a more negative fashion. You get irritated much easier and when it comes to loved ones, you naturally expect that they will take/tolerate more harshness, then someone else out there in the world. It makes no sense to hurt the ones you love the most and rely on to support you through what you are going through. However, the frustration makes you short with others and the little things that people do seem much bigger then they actually are. And when you are in the same orbit for alot of the time, you zero in on everything.

Depression can be sadness, but it can also be frustration and anger. You believe the people around you should know how to respond to you and know what you need, however most of the time, they aren't in your head to know your thoughts or had mental health training. So what are you supposed to do?

The people in my house didn't take the bin out and it overflowed today. This made me hit the roof with frustration. It is just a bin. I took it out to the wheelie bin, put a new bin liner in the bin, and it was done. But the level of frustration I felt was so high. I tried to talk to three different people yesterday about how I was feeling. Each tried to give me a different POV on what I was saying. That made me so angry. I wasn't asking for answers, I just wanted to be acknowledged about my feelings. They weren't, so I went and cried. Today I see things differently to yesterday. The different POV actually made sense today. But yesterday they didn't.

When depression takes joy out of almost everything, food, activities, hobbies, social outings, daily routines and sleep, it can feel like you are only surviving the day. And not living it. I too can be more perky or peppy around others who I don't live with, but it exhausts me and then I become surlier at home and with people there. It is like putting up a picture/front to the world so they can't see how bad I have become or judge me. And then at home, I don't need to put that up. Outside of home or infront of others we can also have a brief moment of distraction and forget what we are engulfed in with depression. And then when we aren't distracted anymore,it all comes back in.

Researching Depression from proper mental health sites like Beyond Blue may help you understand the components more and if your partner has mental health professionals, he may allow you to sit in on a session if you ask,so you can know where their head is at and ask the professional if there are ways you can help. You could ask your partner if there is anything you could do to help them. People ask me and it is good to have that clarified. Unfourtunatly being the partner/parent/sibling or carer of someone with a mental health disorder is hard. You have to ride the waves with them. But people in this position can and do develop their own mental health conditions, if left unchecked. Please contact your GP if your health worsens. You are important too. Set limits and boundaries. Unfourtunatly love can't solve everything, it would be so nice if it could. But you are trying your best. And I applaud you for that.

Please take care of yourself first, before taking care of others. You can sometimes lose yourself amongst all of

this without realizing it.

ABC01

Br1sbaneg1rl

Hi Earth Girl,

Thank you for replying.

I genuinely do not know if this is abuse, withholding love, affection, refusing to say I love you does affect me deeply. I have broken down a number of times when it has all got too much and he ignores me most of the time. Last week he told me when I get upset, he wishes he could become invisible and just walk away. This reaction makes me feel like I am weak for letting it get to me so much but I cannot help getting overwhelmed after constant ups and downs. I feel confused daily. I am walking on eggshells. And I second guess what I am about to say and my actions because I am afraid of his reaction. If I say something he doesn’t like at the moment, it feels like I am bring punished because he distances himself further and withholds love and affection even more so.

I am open to counselling, I doubt he will. I have asked him about speaking to his psychologist and he said no, he’s not at the point where he needs to and doesn’t have the time. I am thinking about speaking to a professional by myself to get some advice.

Br1sbaneg1rl

Hi ABC01,

Thank you for your reply.

I really appreciate your perspective.

My partner has seen a psychologist in the past and I have mentioned seeing him recently and unfortunately, he said that he isn’t at the point where he needs to, it’s been so long between appointments that it would be almost a year of ‘catching up’ and he also doesn’t have the time.

I really am trying to ride the waves with him but it is incredibly hard. It feels gut wrenching at the moment. If I do eventually get upset, he distances himself more and it feels like he is punishing me and then I just feel weaker.

I am currently looking into seeing a counsellor myself to get all of this off my chest.

I hope you are feeling well.

therising

Hi Br1sbaneg1rl

While you experience such intense challenges in your relationship with your partner, I'm glad ABC01 and Earth Girl have offered you their support and perspective. Personally, I can relate to a lot of what they write based on my own experience with depression.

With us humans being such complex creatures, there can be so much to depression and not all of it's obvious. The amount of times I've had some revelation or epiphany, when it comes to how I think or feel, I've lost count of. Being a gal who sees it from 3 perspectives, I've found depression can hold elements that relate to mind (belief systems, inner dialogue, perspective and more). It can hold elements that relate to body or physical issues, such as low oxytocin levels (that 'love' or bonding chemical), low dopamine levels, low levels of overall energy and the list goes on when it comes to chemical energy and physical processes. Then there's what I like to consider to be natural elements or what's in our nature. Some may refer to what's in our nature as 'spiritual' or 'soulful' elements. Each to their own. Call it what you will.

With our natural ability to feel so much, we can end up reacting to what we're feeling. For example, while I may not be conscious of low oxytocin levels within me, I'll still feel the side effects and others will be witness to the side effects. The side effects can involve emotional detachment and self isolation (preferring my own company, especially while in a state of self analysis). If there's an intolerant part of me or a resentful part of me, it may spring to life while oxytocin levels are low. With such side effects, I may appear as 'unloving'. In reality, I may simply be 'just not feeling the love/chemistry'. Btw, low oxytocin doesn't mean people can't make me laugh. So, while my husband may be wanting nothing but expressions of love from me and everyone else but him is leading me to laughter, he may believe I have something against him. I hope that makes sense. On occasion, I've found I can feel loved to life through laughter. My 19yo son is really good at bringing me to life through laughter, especially when I'm down.

With sexual energy, it can be expressed, shared and felt in many different ways. It would be interesting to get your partner's take on how he feels it. Such energy can be felt as a bonding or loving experience, as a form of stress release, as a form of amusement (good for a few laughs), as a form of energy generation, as a form of relaxation and more. It can even be experienced as a form of meditation, with no thought and just pure feeling. If emotion is defined as energy in motion, it's one way to feel energy running through us. What you both define that energy as or how you label the emotion/s could involve an interesting discussion with your partner.

Of course, it's hard not to take someone's low oxytocin or dopamine levels personally (just to name a couple of factors). Definitely important to look after your own mind, body and soul while working through a number of challenges that have come to test you both individually and as a couple ❤️