Dealing with breakup

[SuperKA]

My partner of 7 years... now ex have had issues in the past with my insecurities. I have brought up the issues multiple times, discussing her a solutions on how best to deal with this. Only to find there was no resolves. After hearing her side of the story, in her own words that she was better at making friends with guys than she is with girls. Whilst I like to say that I am ok with her having male friends, but I still have concerns when she speaks with them. Partly because majority of the guys she talk to have always, consistently tried to get in her pants. Most guys she talks to are ex's or someone she had a huge crush on.

The last 3 years has been up and down for us. I came home from work one day, noticed she didn't log out of her facebook and I decided to search her inbox to see what they were saying. To my surprise, she had sent pictures of herself. Upon bringing this up with her, I was told it was all harmless fun and I was overreacting. Frustrated and tired from work, I dropped the subject... mind you at the time we had broken up because she was talking to another guy all day, well into the night to a point I woke up at 4 am to her still texting him. At the time I discovered the pictures, we were working things out; but I felt that it only damaged our relationship more.

Still having access to her facebook, I noticed she had sent another revealing photo to another male friend. Angry, I notified her of it and again there was no resolve. I decided to drop the subject again. Then there was the night of her birthday, a friend of ours came to a concert with us and they got to talking. Getting too close for my liking, but I thought nothing of it. Long story short, she ended up chatting to him everyday all day. Finally having enough, angry about the night before about the joke she had about him I broke it off. Upset, I went on a rebound date and when she found out of this she ended up sending more pictures to guy we broke up over and another to her ex. By this time, my tragedy of a date was over and we ended up wanting to work things out again only to find out about her pictures. Now we are in this together but not together relationship and she has sent more photos, flirting with her exes and other male friends and to top it off she ended up staying at her male friend hotel. Claiming she was caught in a bad storm and hadn't seen her long time friend. Am I in the wrong or is she

[Croix]

Dear SuperKA~

I have read your other two posts and know that your ex has kidney problems and what sounds like a very toxic family situation. You yourself have had a hard time with workplace bullying only two or three months ago.

Such pressures on both partners do make living together more difficult than usual, and what might be tolerated in one situation might not in another. When temporarily broken up there is a temptation to be more extreme -you for instance went out on a rebound date.

So a question, what do you think your ex wants? Also what would you like to happen? If you can both decide that perhaps the might be room for compromise if you both wanted to be together.

What do you think?

Croix

So first may I ask what you would like to happen?

[littleboots]

Hey SuperKA - I like Croix's question about what do you want? That's important because it's not all about what your gf is doing or not doing. It's about what you want too.

Also, I wonder do you trust this woman?

And,

What would a happy relationship with this woman look like to you?

Do you really think it is ok to look in someone else's private fb account without their permission? Did she object to you doing that or simply not care?

It seems that you are both caught in a cycle of on again, off again and never really knowing when it is either.

Does it matter who is in the wrong now because you've both done things that have hurt the other?

If you did want to leave the relationship and move on, would it matter if either of you have to be blamed?

Have you ever heard of a relationship thriving when each person is blaming the other? Will it help you stay or leave?

Take care

Littleboots

[SuperKA]

We both discussed that it would be wise to parts way. As much as this hurt the both of us immensely, it was bringing the worst in both of us. I ended up doing things I would not normally be doing. It was at this point that I thought about it and said if it just bringing the worse in me than it’s not worth it.

She wanted to have this relationship where we weren’t together but at the same time we were still kissing, saying I love you and everything a couple do. It wasn’t until she went out with a male friend who she had been friends with before she met me. At first I was a little annoyed, but didn’t speak with her much as I didn’t wanna regret saying something I shouldn’t. Then I realised she had not reply to any of my messages and went to look on find my friend app to see where she was and she ended up staying at his hotel ( he was visiting Sydney ) that was when I finally had enough

[SuperKA]

Thank you little boot for responding.

It is very hard to have a happy relationship with this woman, like you said we were both hurting each other and becoming toxic. I was doing things that made me think was not natural of my character. This includes invading her private Facebook and I am not proud of it but I will admit my mistake.

With the issues of our families hating us being together and her living in a bad home environment. This put a lot of strains on our relationships. Outside of these problems, we are good and probably one of my best relationships I’ve had. She has made me a better person than I was before. Always supportive, loved me with all her heart. Always there when I needed her. But there was so much issues weighing us down and it was breaking down our relationship. To top it off, her sending undergarments pictures while we were trying to work things out.

In conclusion, it was not healthy for me to stay with her as it was bringing the worse out of me. I am usually a nice person, very patience, kind and generous. Yet I was getting angry at her, insulting her, calling her up and texting non stop. We’ve both agreed after that we needed to part way as much as this immensely hurts us. This was better for both of us

[SuperKA]

She did object me after I invaded her privacy. I’m not proud of it and admit that it wasn’t a good thing to do despite the outcome.

I wanna say I trust her, but beginning to think I don’t and I have a trust issue however my counsellor have said otherwise

[littleboots]

Hey SuperKA,

I get what you are saying about trust. It's ok not to trust this particular woman anymore.

Every relationship has agreements. Some we just take for granted - like not sending intimate pictures or spending the night with other people. Other parts of the relationship we need to negotiate, talk about and settle on. So I can understand why on one hand you might be missing her and on the other don't want to be near her. That's natural but it will get better.

I'm glad you see that looking in your partner's fb isn't really a great thing to do. But, as in all things hopefully we live and learn. I can understand why you were curious because your partner has been sending you very mixed messages and you began to doubt her. That's normal. Perhaps in normal circumstances you wouldn't have done that?

I don't think you've got trust issues either. I'm glad you are seeing a counsellor right now.

I think you are really hurting and that's very normal right now. Break ups of long term relationships can feel terrible.

Give yourself some time because the feelings of loss, anger and confusion do lessen. You will be ok.

Go out with some of your friends and put some effort into doing what you like doing. It will help a little.

Hope you begin to feel a little better soon,

Take care,

littleboots