Daughter of 15 is suffering because of Boyfriend's mother

frazzled25 · ‎14-03-2017

Hi i am new to this site and would love some advice from any people out there who may have experienced the following:

Our daughter of 15 ( turning 16 ) is dating a lovely young man ( 17 turning 18 ) and has been for six months now. The issue is the boy's mother who repeatedly loves to change plans, tell her son he can not attend functions etc. The boys mother is verbally and physically abusive towards him ( attacked him with a coat hanger recently in a rage ) . We have all tried to get him out of the situation as he can stay with us but the boy is absolutely terrified of his mother. Our entire family does not communicate with his mother as she see's us as the evil intruders. The level of control this woman has is unbelievable, this young man works full time, is only allowed to see our daughter 2 or 3 times a week, with a maximum of 3-4 hrs. I need help to get this young man the help he needs, as next time i fear it might not be a coat hanger but a knife the mother picks up in her rage. We are educating him on BPD ( as we all believe this is what the mother has, too many symptoms not to be ) Our daughter has tried many times to get him to leave but he is frightened to leave but also just as frightened to stay. PLEASE HELP!! This boy's mother is an emotional vampire and every day that goes by she is destroying this young man's life. This woman has no boundaries also, requests his phone and reads our daughters messages etc.

I am after

frazzled25 · ‎16-03-2017

Hi James1, thank you so much for the reply. I was excited to connect with someone who has had a mother in similar circumstances of growing up. I am new to the concept of BPD and wow it is taking some learning ( never heard of it before this young man came into our lives and am astounded on how many people/lives it effects ). Can I ask how you got out of your home environment etc.? I have connected this young mans mother to ''the witch'' in the BPD one of four personality traits ( the most cruel and hardest to break away from, I am sure you would have known many traits in your own mother ). This young mans acceptance/complacency on how things are at home is beyond belief, I am at a loss to this level of control one person has over another. The cruel things and the way things are said/spat at him ( we have witnessed this earlier on in the relationship when we were on speaking terms, before the truth came out about the abuse ) I understand this is his mother but I have to ask if someone else was treating you this way, whether at a workplace etc. would you put up with it?? Not a chance, just because you share DNA does NOT give anyone the right to treat their loved one ( still undecided if this woman really does love this young man at all to be honest ) with such total disregard for their feelings etc. I am looking at purchasing some books on BPD and keeping them at home here safe for when he visits, do you think this would help? This young man is very much still a boy in the sense that any decision has been made by his mother and he has not been ALLOWED to do anything without her consent. He is very quiet, only speaks when spoken to ( starting to get more than 3 words out of him now, 6 months worth ) but talks a lot to our daughter she has said, very rarely looks you in the eye) I liken him to a scared rabbit, so heart breaking. Is there anything else we can do to help him James1? Thank you again.

Chris_B · ‎16-03-2017

Hello frazzled25, I think it's great that you are looking out for this young man's interests and doing the best you can in what sounds like a really difficult situation.

I think we all need to be mindful in this discussion that we have no actual diagnosis at hand, and no-one posting here (with the exception of Dr Kim) is a mental health professional. There are a number of sweeping generalisations being made about BPD that are potentially harmful and could unnecessarily add to the significant stigma faced by those who live with this condition (we have a number of long-time and regular members here who do).

This is a great place for sharing ideas on how to manage all sorts of different life situations that come up, based on our shared experiences; in the interests of respect for others let's keep this thread focused on this specific situation without bringing diagnostic guesswork into the equation.

james1 · ‎16-03-2017

Hey frazzled,

To be honest, I get a bit nervous about reading online stuff about BPD because it's often quite negative and it hits home a little strongly sometimes, especially when I do a bit of introspection. So I've not really read too much about the different "types" of BPD, because I honestly think the best way to look at BPD is not so much as a diagnosis, but as a spectrum which we all live on to different extremities, and exhibit different symptoms of.

I hope I don't across as disapproving. I think it's wonderful that you are trying to help, but difficult because you and his mother come from very different mind states.

The son is likely looking for someone to care for him, but in a way that is not overbearing. Perhaps if you were to flip that around and look at your daughter. Both you and the boy's mother care deeply for their children. Would you give your daughter a book on any flaws that you may have? Chances are, she would reject it. She knows her mother cares for her, and that is what truly matters.

I think it's really important to remember that love exists in their relationship, just as it does yours. And it exists both ways. Your daughter's relationship with the boy should be treated as completely separate from his relationship with his mother. If he and the mother do not respect this, then that is where your daughter will need to be prepared to set her boundaries.

To answer your question about how I got out of it - I'm not out of it. But that is how my relationship with mum is probably always going to be like. I just see my job now as making sure I manage my other relationships better, and I try my best to make sure others, even my sister, don't get involved in this messy on-going mother/son impasse.

James

white knight · ‎16-03-2017

Hi frazzled

I've written some threads here on this forum about my mother's effect on my life. I discovered DR Christine Lawsons theory of witch waif hermit queen and as my mother would never get a diagnosis, it has been the only conclusion l could work on. I believe she has all 4 traits.

However, lets pull back a little here. Re your comment "( still undecided if this woman really does love this young man at all to be honest )"

This is where l think your assessment is taking a wrong turn. It is not for you to decide others love for each other. She would indeed love her son. No question. If she has BPD or NPD then she has a mental illness and that is sad. Mean a gentle approach.

I've always said to my family "my mother loves me...its the bad side l cannot live with" that might give you an idea of the complexity of that disorder.

I was 54yo before l left my mother forever. That might let you see it is no easy task, disowning ones parent is a huge step and one that her son must make with little outside influence. Your interest in his future is reflected in this thread but my concern is that although l agree with you that she has an "all or nothing" approach (I'm familiar with it), one also should try to be kind as well. For you are not her son.

Its a difficult thing to do but you dont want to be seen as the future mother in law that "stole my son". Nor the mother in law that "forced me to disown my mother when l was so young" Even producing articles on bpd and npd could be a bad move imo.

There is a "sweet spot" of involvement, to listen, be supportive to him etc but not demonise his mother or try to mend, neutralize or fix his problems with her. He will mature quickly and lever more freedom as time goes by.

Re "having to ASK if he can come to visit our daughter, be TOLD what time to be home and the list goes on. At near 18, really".

Families have their quirks. We fall into problems when we judge others by our own house rules. House rules is not abuse. Manipulation, control etc is abuse and thats for him to realise. Rules and control= fine lines. Manipulation, playing with others thoughts and beliefs is wrong. Power is a lust for some. But it isnt illegal!! So tread more softly.

If it continues at 21yo it becomes a much bigger issue

Until then best your daughter works around those house rules, smiles at his mother and lets her boyfriend grow out of and slowly, away from the clutches. There is a chance she'll - let go.

Regards

Tony WK

frazzled25 · ‎17-03-2017

Thank you so much white knight for your reply. I have honestly taken on board what you have said. We all respect his mother and would never say anything to him about his mother, after all, it is his mother at the end of the day. I just wish she would respect us as we do her. Obviously, our view of love is quite different than of his mothers, this I understand now. Trying to navigate through this is quite difficult as we live in a democratic household. Disappointment is often the order of the day with the never ending rules etc. I do not wish to upset anyone, I am just trying to understand the logic in a lot of confusion that occurs regularly. I do worry for the young mans safety as he is getting hit, verbally abused, demeaned ( called a paedophile ) for dating our daughter. He knows we are all here for him at any time day or night. Just so frustrating not knowing how to help him?? The young man suffers in silence and has often been physically ill whilst with our daughter after upset with his mother. We are all at a loss to why someone would stay in this situation when there is help? The young mans acceptance of his mothers control baffles us all. I will take a step back and let things be, as it is doing my head in to be honest. I only want what's best for him where his safety is concerned. I just don't understand why makes things hard for a person when they don't have to be, after all we all only have one life, why be unhappy, and believe me this young man has said to our daughter the only time he is happy is when he is out of his house. Very confusing for us, but then again he has said he does not understand her actions, so how can we??

white knight · ‎17-03-2017

Hi frazzled

Very good. I'm glad you didnt take offence. Its a tough one. A couple of short years and things could be very diffetent, the lad will be more of a man, your daughter an adult and his mother might shift her possessiveness. A watch and see position is best mainly due to the ages of the young ones.

As I've implied, l know what you are up against.

Chronic bpd with the controlling manipulating persona is more common than people think. I've seen people tackle these types, by advising, suggesting opposing views. But it is "walking on egg shells".

My mother now 85yo never got help. As a consequence she lost her son and daughter, split our extended family in two and so on. My sister and l are now close. We were always divided as our mother ysed us against each other.

So I'm in support of your position but I've advocated a softer, sit back and observe approach at the same time provide a safe haven for this young fellow if he needs it.

Sure as yabbies bite your toes, he'll need your love and care and nobody can criticize anyone for that.

Regards

Tony WK