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Dating again

bubbles85
Community Member
How do you know when your ready to date again?

I'm struggling as I know I still really love my ex but I don't think we will be getting back together (even though contact seems to have started again... long story).

I want to move on and part of me thinks trying to date may help. But I also know how I still feel about my ex so I just don't know what to do, I don't want to just use someone to work out my own feelings. And now days it's all done online which scares me, it was why I had been single for so long before my last relationship.

How have others gone with this?
33 Replies 33

I really think it boils down to wanting to be ready, but unsure if I am.

And now i feel weird sharing so much, I've usually been one to keep these things to myself

ecomama
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hey bubbles85

You don't have to feel weird about sharing so much, that's what the forums are here for, to share anonymously in a "safe space"!

No one knows you. All good.

Oh I didn't realise you still have to SEE your ex.
How awkward.
I'm so sorry this is the situation.

I can understand things better now you said that.

Sure! Sometimes having a new person in our lives can distract us from the ex.
Sometimes it's just adds to the swirly mix of emotions.

You'll see how things go as you travel along this path.

Hearing a biological clock ticking is NOT fun!
My Grandmother set my clock ticking when I was 18yo! Heck, it was because I decided to go to University lol. She said I'd turn around at 55yo and say "Ooops I forgot to have children".
I did 2 more degrees after that one lol... she was not happy with me.

BUT I WAS HAPPY WITH ME.

Becoming HAPPY by doing anything and everything (safe) that flicks your switches is the key to fulfilment in life.

Happy people are incredibly attractive don't you think?
I do.

Marriage and having kids is NOT necessarily the happiness ppl may think.
It's darned hard work and alot of selflessness and altruism has to go into these pursuits.

Prep yourself for the ride!
I hope it's a HAPPY one.

Love EM

Boudica
Community Member

Hello bubbles85,

I am sorry you are in this strange place between having split with your ex, but not really being able to move on. I think there is too much pressure on people to date to prove to themselves they are over their last relationship. I had a lot of pressure from others to seek a new relationship when my last ended, and I eventually did sign up for online dating. Even though I met some people for coffee that were seemingly good people, I did not persist with it, because in all honesty, I hated it, and dreaded it, and thought it was just creepy and unnatural.

The experience made me realise two things:

1. I wasn't ready to engage in another relationship even though others thought I should and it was expected.

2. I needed to find other ways to nourish my self esteem and be happy in life and not look for another person to do this for me.

I think before launching into dating, it is important to really feel healed and happy with yourself. Do things you really enjoy that help to nourish you (for me it was hiking, but it could be anything). Join a group that aligns to your interests or hobbies, or a social group that allows you to meet new people (there are lots of interest groups on meetup ), without it having to be about dating. When you meet someone that you actually have that spark, you will know that you are truly over your ex.

Thanks everyone for the advice and for listening. I was having a bad day yesterday but have woken up today going ok. Going to be looking into more things that I can do for myself. I did take up a hobby but that fell away so will try to get back into that too. Take care of myself

Hi bubbles85!

Thank you for keeping us updated! Dating apps used to give me a bit of anxiety too. It can be very nervewracking, I think it's important to remember that it can be at your own pace! It can be challenging to balance being comfortable but also trying to push out of your comfort zone. Look into your hobby again sounds like a great idea! I really do believe that loving ourselves is so important.

l'm surprised no one how long you were together and how long have you been broken up unless l missed it. These 2 things are crucial bc if your not ready and not at peace your only gonna end up hurting other people , using them basically . Us guys come across a lot of this in women when we're single and it's like well if your not even ready wth are you doing wasting everyone's time of date sites just to make yourself feel better. Sorry but so many out there do it straight out the gate.

But imo it's bad for the you too and just confuses things even more. After a divorce l waited nearly 4yrs , l just wasn't interested , still hurting and wanted to figure me out all over again , l also wanted some me time which l hadn't had in 20yrs. But around 3yrs or so l started to feel better and knew l could def be open to something knew if right person and not long after l just accidentally met someone.

l tell anyone however long it was , you need to reach that place first and be in a good place yourself , however long that takes, you'll know when it arrives and you'll just feel like getting back into living again.

rx

james1
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello bubbles85,

I'm glad to hear you are going to try and do some things for yourself. I hope that can also help you feel a little less left out even while you are single for the moment.

James

Hi bubbles85!

I wanted to check in and see how you were doing 🙂


I'm going fine. Decided to pause my profile for the time being, I do feel I'm not quite ready and as others have pointed out I don't want to be using anyone and then hurting them while I work through my own feelings

Hi bubbles85!

Thank you so much for keeping us updated!

That is completely understandable. I'm glad you are going fine! Is there anything in particular that has been helping you work through your feelings?

We are here for you!