Dark Places

[H2OMAN]

Hi Any and All,

Not sure where to start, maybe at the present, a place of loneliness, darkness and despair. An anguish that engulfs me every day and night and disables me completely. I can not think, I can not function, I can not sleep, and I am completely abandoned, alone and without any resources. Crippled by anxiety and in a place of deep, deep sadness all of the time, at 56 I never thought I would be in this place

To give some context would take far too long, so I will summarise.

In the last 18 months:

Parents in law reneged on a house purchase from them which lost us 25 years of hard work and approx. $400k.

Daughters marriage fell apart.

Major client went broke and lost nearly $100k which has essentially sunk my business.

Found out my wife had an affair 32 years ago and lied to me when I tried to discuss the matter with her.

All of which has caused me significant anxiety and depression.

Then to top things off my wife left 14 months ago and the family sided with her based on lies, false accusations and claims against me.

I have tried for the last 14 months to deal with these things, to initiate counselling and mediation, to encourage contact with my 4 adult kids, but I have been marginalised and pushed aside with little to no contact.

I did everything I could to reconcile things and shield people from difficulties between my wife and I, especially my daughter who was totally reliant on my wife for support during her separation. I bit my tongue and waited until she was in a better place before addressing my difficulties and the wife's behaviour so that it would not affect my daughter.

Only to have everything distorted and be blamed for everyone elses problems and difficulties with no voice given to me, no right of reply, no consideration, and essentially abandoned.

And now the wife has locked up all of our finances, I have little to no access to funds as she has hidden them and changed passwords etc. Yet am lumbered with credit card bills that I am expected to pay as well as service the property mortgage etc.

In addition to this and the limited contact and interaction since they left the wife is now demanding that I move out of the property so that they can move back in to ready the property for sale.

I'm absolutely heartbroken, I'm broken, broke and abandoned with little capacity to cope or to find a way forward. I can't afford legal advice and don't have anywhere to turn for help.

I would appreciate any advice on what to do next.

Thanks

[Petal22]

Hi H20MAN,

Your not alone, yes I do have a bit of insight into these matters……… its so unfair what is happening to you.

I understand the inner turmoil and anguish it must be difficult for you to try to understand why you are being treated this way.

One piece of advice I will give you is try not to understand it because it really doesn’t deserve your time.

Instead of giving this your time and energy….. “ trying to understand “ …….. try to give yourself attention. In that I mean build yourself up, you know the person you are and you don’t need anyone else to validate that.

I understand that your children have been given your wife’s perceptions and they have taken that as fact which I understand would be difficult for you.

One day your children will learn that their Mums perceptions were her reality and didn’t have to be their reality… your children will one day realise that they are their own person and can make their own choices.

For the time being just do you…. But look after you.

Get out of the house every day, join a sporting group and go and visit and talk to your family the ones who support you.

Keep building your self up and this starts in you mind……. Tell you Positive things and stay true to you.

I understand the darkness is hard but seek the light and you will find it 🙏

[H2OMAN]

Thanks Petal22,

Had a delightful surprise today when my second eldest son came over.

No resentment, no judgement, just hanging and doing a few jobs around the house. Not even a lot of conversation bar the usual catchup. But wow, how big a difference it makes in your world when even one person you love is present even for only a few hours.

It was the pick me up that I desperately needed. The mood scale went from dark and depressed to almost elated but moderated so I didn't overwhelm him.

I am doing "me", surfing, stopping taking on responsibilities that I have conditioned myself to carry and resolve. Taken time out from working and finding new friends and social circles in place of family.

I am blessed in many ways with one very good friend and also a brother, but I try to not rant on about my situation too much as it is becoming obsessive almost. Hard to do when it occupies your heart and mind 24/7.

My surf buddies are awesome, telling me similar stuff to what you have suggested, and I can draw from their collective wisdom and experience of having been through similar themselves.

But the hardest part is working from home, living alone, and returning home. That's when the darkness returns, surrounded by silence and memories that drag me into a downward spiral.

I've been listening to a public speaker . Very simple quote he made which resonated with me was to have a plan, it may be the worst plan in the world but at least it's a plan. You can improve it, change it, develop it as you go, but at least you have a plan.

So selling the property and starting fresh is my plan, not well thought out, not entirely sure what's next, but I know I need to move forward in place of sitting in "Dark Places".

However, that is sometime easier said than done.

Thanks again.

[therising]

Hi H2OMAN

So glad you're able to feel a positive difference through your son, your friends, your brother, your surfing etc. Personally, I wish someone had have educated me on 'feelings' long ago. Only been in the last year or so that I've come to understand what 'Feeling your way through life' actually means. You can feel the people who depress you, feel the people who raise you, the ones who stress you out, the ones that are neutral (don't lead you to feel down or up) and so on. You can feel what's wearing you down and feel what inspires you. You can feel your own energy levels, when you need a charge up in one way or another and when you're too hyperactive. You can feel your internal dialogue/thoughts and imagination, whether they're taking you to a dark place (down feeling) where you're not meant to be heading or whether they're taking you to a place of pure brilliance (up feeling). There is so much to feel.

So glad you've got a plan. All great plans appear vague when they're coming into focus. With a plan that holds potential, greater clarity can come through identifying the stepping stones toward the goal. It's the stepping stones in between that can lead us to the feeling of making progress. Having great guides in helping construct a plan can be key. Sounds like your friend and brother could be constructive people when it comes to helping with clear goal setting and those stepping stones (the finer details). If you're feeling lost at any point, do you think they'd be able to help trigger your imagination, internal imagery/vision?

Not sure if it would make some positive difference but do you think if you began to check out places to buy, get a feel for the right one, that this would lead you to look forward to the constructive changes to come? You mention how the house you're in leads you to feel darkness. Can you think of any music that would drown out the silence? Anything that comes to mind? You may need to turn up the volume to really feel it.

Someone once told me that when you begin to take better care of yourself (serve your self more) people will begin to leave your life, as a consequence. I've found this to be so true. Those you no longer serve in every way they're accustomed to will not be able to tolerate your lack of service to them. This leaves room for others to come in. Eventually, our close circle becomes one filled with people who raise us. Can be a painful process and sometimes depressing. Letting go can be so hard.

[Petal22]

That’s ok H20MAN,

Thats great that you saw your second eldest son I can feel the happiness and love through your writing.

I think that doing you is great…. Stick with it and build yourself up…….. ( in your mind)….

You sound like you have some great support in you best friend and brother………

I understand that you work from home….. do you think this can be changed?

I understand that living alone and having the memories around you would be difficult…..

Would you consider having someone move in with you for the company?

I understand that you have made a plan to sell the property…… if you do this please talk to legal aide first because you too need the finances from the sale to support yourself and life.

It is good to set a plan, with plans only make one……. Never set a plan B

Keep focused on plan A so you put all of your attention to that plan……….. and keep building and striving to accomplish it. 💪