Daily angst

Rainbow_fish · ‎19-12-2017

Like most women, I work full time, I love my job, I love my children and I love my husband. What brings me here however is that I'm afraid I'm not IN LOVE with hubby, which may be a result of the vast differences we seem to have developed or realised probably since our first child was born 8 years ago. I understand how a marriage can often be put under strain once a child is born, however what seems to be the underlying cause of endless arguements might have to do with the differences in how we perceive things... my understanding of cleaning up vs his understanding. My idea of respect vs his idea. I don't want to bog this down with so many examples, but I'm really really struggling to maintain our marriage that just seems to be full of immaturity or sarcasm (from him) and me having to battle that in terms of wondering why he doesn't seem to want to grow up and be accountable for things that adults, parents and husbands should... he always says that it's me with the problem and I need to change, which cuts to the bone, because I feel he has lost all sight of what he has right here in front of him... a family who wants to spend time with him but he is 'too tired', or 'organised a friend to come over' or 'will do the dishes in the morning', but they're still there by nightfall next day, or 'needs to wash the car' instead of looking after the baby while I run errands.

Its just a constant struggle to agree on responsibilities...and for him to be honest... it's really just that and a lack of open communication. Honestly I can say that I become annoyed when there is a million things to do, but he's browsing on his phone... I feel like I'm dealing with a teenager who is avoiding house chores or something... it makes me feel depressed because I feel I am being the only responsible adult... and as for lying, blatantly and by omission, this is something that has caused a lot of heartache for myself... if it wasn't for the kids I'd be out of here in a flash...it's not happy or healthy... but my gut and heart are saying I've invested way too much and have two beautiful children who would suffer immensely if i did.

I WANTED to work on it but I am reaching that end point where i may just cave in and be consumed by a monster of a marriage. I know we need to talk, he just doesn't think there's anything to talk about... I'm in a bad place with him and the kids miss him... I honestly have nothing left to give... feeling more alone each day...

OF · ‎23-12-2017

i feel our child is only going to get older quickly and soon will realise this is a very toxic environment to be with. I want to leave but I cant and feel i have made a very big mistske in my life and he has expressed this himself. I feel his selfishness at times have triggered me to be upset and become the person I am not. I use to be confident and had good self esteem but since the birth, I have definitely dropped from that. I also came to the realisation that with my career, it is basically kind of over for me to retain a full time job and earn x as I have a young child to look after and only one car that is baby/child friendly. My partner owns a 2 seat ute and refuses to sell his car (i call it a single persons car) and on multiple occassions have said to get something basic for now but he hasn't done anything. I know at this moment it is a money thing but has indicated to me that when he is back to full time 5 days a week, he wants to do this to his car and that and get gym equipment and all I can do is just be silent.
I just want to see what people are seeing in this situation and any other suggestions or help they might offer. I feel we are going around in circles but i am very hopeful that it might work if he does his bit. By the way, I have been going to counseling myself for just almost under a year.

blondguy · ‎23-12-2017

Hello Rainbow Fish

Please forgive me if someone has covered this above. If a girlfriend...wife asked me to accompany them to a counselor I would go without hesitation as when I am with someone I would do everything possible to self improve to benefit my partner and myself and our future together

I hope your husband would say yes and go with you to a counseling appointment.

If you dont hear the 'yes' word....this would be a huge red flag (just my opinion Rainbow Fish)

I hope you can stick around the forums...if you wish to of course

Thankyou too for having the courage to post

My Kind thoughts

Paul

Jems · ‎24-12-2017

I feel for everyone. It’s so so hard to feel like you’re in a one sided relationship. Paul, it’s refreshing to hear that if your partner asked you to attend counselling you’d jump at the chance. I tried for so long to get my now separated husband to go, if not for himself, but for our family (2 late teens) and he flatly refused every time even after seeing how much counselling helped me. This is our first Christmas separated and boy it’s tough. Yes. Do everything you can. Absolutely. Good luck everyone.