Dad not supportive enough

[Lera30]

I am a new mum to a 4mth old and my partner is not supportive enough.I have no family here, he works nights for half the week and when he is home he sleeps and spends the rest of his time on his computer or xbox.He does however cook sometimes which am grateful for.Am missing normal conversation and I get annoyed as he would rather be online than spending time with his son.I don't stay at home all day either I go out a fair bit and lately I've found myself going out and staying out for hours just to prevent arguing about him being on his computer all day. It seems he cannot stay away from the screen and hv normal conversations, he has no friends and when I nag and he does sit down with us for while he is so grumpy he might as well be online!The gaming was a problem before baby but I could overlook it then by keeping myself busy with other things, he isn't a first time dad either and he is usually very caring and I was expecting him to be able to prioritise.Am I being controlling asking him to spend a bit more time with us and reducing his screen time.How much computer time do people find reasonable?

Another question... He says he gets angry when our bub or any bub cries if he is tired which I find really strange.if I had known I would never have had a child with him.It makes me a bit paranoid leaving baby with him and also if we have to go anywhere with him and baby cries in the car I just get so stressed out.He hasn't lashed out or anything but it's just worrying. All this constant bickering (on my part.. as he doesn't say much just gets grumpy if he is off his comp) about it all is really getting me down and lately I haven't been sleeping well which isn't good with a new bub...am sleep deprived as it is...i hv made myself an appt with my doc for an assessment so I can catch things early if I'm postnatal and I'm also due back at work soon and I wanna be as healthy as I can be to be strong enough for that and my baby.

Anyone have any thoughts on how to help myself and my partner?I do try to include him and thank him when he does help.

[Apollo_Black]

Hey Lera. Thanks for taking the time to respond. The information you have given is really valuable. It is really positive that you have support from his parents. i forgot to mention that many men tend to feel pretty useless with newborns. They're more geared up for traditional rough housing in later years. I think some positive reinforcement in his involvement now will be really helpful. It's a pity they don't have similar Dad groups. The fact that he has been more responsive lately is great. Let's hope this snowballs and he favours quality time over gaming. I used to game a fair bit. I know it can be a problem. I think it impacted on my relationship. Having a child changed things for me because I just didn't have the time to do it. If had continued to do it excessively I would have appreciated being told I was doing it too much - as long as it was done the right way. In hindsight if I was told how it was affecting my partner, how it was making her feel, then that would be better than something like "why do you have to game too much? You haven't done this and this, instead you've been gaming" you know, the nagging approach. If a softer approach doesn't work then a harder one might be appropriate. The type of game might be significant. Some online games are quite competitive and addictive. Maybe take an interest in what he's doing and find out what he's playing. Find out what's drawing him in. Hey, let's hope he just gets tired of it...

Like I said, the most important things at present are you and your baby. Like in an aero plane put on your oxygen mask before helping others. Maybe your partner can engage with someone to sort through his issues.