Couples therapy, unsure about therapist's motives?

[Guest_9043]

My partner and I started couples counselling. I have never been through this. We both had our first session together, then we had to have an individual session alone on another day with another therapist from the same place. I went with it and trusted we were in the right hands. I did not know until yesterday and nor did my partner that there was a heavy focus on Domestic Violence in her session. There was not so much for me, however there was for my partner. I have been with my partner for quite some time now and I have never once displayed any Domestic Violence (any forms of abuse) whatsoever. I left a really horrid DV relationship last year. My current partner has been through DV before.

The therapist my partner saw asked some questions which out of line. I did not seek out therapy because I felt I was in a DV Relationship. We have been asked our goals for therapy and we have been very clear about our goals for therapy. (Mainly to strengthen our relationship and learn now to communicate more with each other as we know we need some of those skills to better our relationship) A long story short, at the end of both our individual sessions, the therapist said, if I want to see either of you again for another individual session, I shall call. If you do not hear from me just come in to see me together for your next appointment. I never expected we would get a call. So today, we both got a call. We missed it as we were out for an afternoon stroll and left our phones at home. It was the therapist asking us to call her back but by the time we got the message they had shut. She said on the message she would call us on Tuesday when they re opened. I have told my partner IF she is ringing for me to go into another individual session I do not feel it is right for me. I will absolutely not choose for my partner. If she wishes to go to it, I will not stop her at all. I just can't especially now that I know the line of extensive questioning my partner had to face. The questions strongly suggested how would she escape if I was to become abusive I feel hurt. I genuinely went somewhere for me, for us, for our relationship and to work on things together. I did not go to be portrayed as a Domestic Violence Perpetrator. I am certainly not. I treat my partner with love, respect, compassion, gentleness and kindness. I have a huge heart. Being painted out like this truly does hurt especially with no evidence or real story why this could even be imagined. Feel disheartened.

[Nameyname]

Without specifics, it’s difficult to comment too accurately on the therapist’s motivations. However, perhaps is it is protocol, in this era of such prevalent DV, that the woman is approached alone regarding any potential threats. After all, in a real DV situation, the victim would unlikely feel free to come forth with any sensitive information in front of her partner for fear of repercussions.

Unless the therapist made any direct accusations this isn’t something I would take personally. In light of your most recent mental health difficulties it’s easy to internalise and personalise such actions. However, this sounds more like a safety protocol to me than a personal accusation.

[geoff]

Hello 2quik, this is an enormous question which will differ from person to person and what situation you are living in 'how to get through a breakdown', I wish there was a simple answer, one answer to all just like we know that 2 + 2 = 4, everyone knows this but with depression of any type it's not that simple.

I kept on being asked this particular question and my suggestions either did or didn't suit them, but that doesn't mean that any small solution can be plucked out and then you can build on this, but my heart goes out to anyone who suffers this way.

Please get back to us.

Geoff.

[Guest_9043]

Thanks,

I do not believe anywhere in my original post I said I would like opinions. It is only your opinion nevertheless.

It's like saying to me A dog bit you but it's nothing cause that is what dogs do, bite people. Because you don't like dogs much you are probably internalising this experience and it wasn't personal. Well with some dogs it is even if you were not doing anything to antagonise it. A wound is created from a bite that needs tending too.

If you take this metaphorically speaking and apply it to my experience it may or may not help you to understand. 

[Guest_9043]

Hi Geoff,

Thanks for the response. I get what you are saying. Im right in the thick of it now. My head feels like this fjezmpqaltm. Scrambled. Words can't form right. It's quite frightening. Feeling like you have no control of your brain. It's doing its own thing. A nervous breakdown is such an individual thing. I know this one is a huge one. I know I'm not going to be the same when I'm able to even think. It changes you irrevocably. I doubt my relationship will survive it. If it costs me that, well it is what it is to be honest.

[geoff]

Hello 2quik, a nervous breakdown is a term that most people understand and it's been used for a long time because family, friends and workmate know what it means and you are going through it and I've had it, but that term doesn't seem to be used, may be I'm wrong, as you I'm not qualified and perhaps Nurse Jenn can let us know.

It involves a lot of different symptoms where any particular one dominates another one, but then the next day it could completely change, we never know, that's why it's so difficult to know where to begin.

A session may be focused on something in particular, but once you get there it's something else that has all of a sudden confused the situation and then brought in another factor which you never had hoped for or wanted to happen.

If you'd like to mention any issues about your relationship as I know what it did to my marriage, then please get back to us, and remember we're in your corner and want to help you as much as we can.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Guest_9043]

Hi Geoff,

My head doesn't make a lot of sense right now so unsure if this will even make sense to be honest. I am looking up info on nervous breakdowns to help me formulate in my own head what I am going through. I have found some stuff, I just keep forgetting so have saved it.

I don't know anymore. All I can really go by right now is my own experience. It's really really really bad this time. Probably the most severe one I have ever had out of all of them. I can't talk much if at all.

Im going to continue on with my therapist, she is aware of what is going on. I am also trying to seek out a social worker for more support with other life challenges. My therapist is not enough at this point.

As for my relationship, not good news at all. I ended my relationship today. I have moved to my own space so we are not sleeping together. It is mutual I think. I have had very little time to process anything at all as I had to seek out a lot of help for me today. Naturally I am utterly devastated and it has caused me to go down further. Obviously our issues were too great for us to work through on our own. I know she is devastated as well. We both are. I did not make the decision in haste either nor because I am pretty unstable from the nervous breakdown. Sometimes love is just not enough to get two people through really. I don't know I am very lost in myself, a lot of confusion, my head does not make any sense and that is incredibly frightening when you cannot get your head into any form of control. It makes me feel very sad actually. I am very lonely and feel terribly alone in this. I don't know what is right or wrong so I do what I can and hope it will end up OK without knowing really. I will try and respond if you do, I cannot guarantee it but I will try.

[blondguy]

Hey 2quik

Thankyou for your very kind reply on the 15th...We never expect a reply yet its always good to receive one

Im sorry that your relationship ended today 2quik.....ugh..Feeling devastated would be a huge understatement

If you want to describe the symptoms your experiencing you are welcome to do so and if not no worries at all...

we are here and listening 2quik

my respect and understanding

Paul

[Guest_9043]

Hi Paul,

I usually respond to most replies here unless I just cannot do it.

As for my symptoms I don't know where to start.

Emotional of course. Just want to cry all the time. A very deep sadness in me. Depression yes, however a very deep sadness.

Grief and loss.

Body aches and tiredness. Trying to rest and get good sleep. Not working very well right now.

Confusion, terrible confusion. It's a big struggle.

Anger, yet I suppress it cause I don't have any energy for it. This ties in with the tiredness.

Loss of self.

Feel unworthy and very little self esteem. Doubt myself a lot.

Can't make sense of thoughts nor trust them when I'm aware of them.

Don't talk much. Very quiet and subdued.

Feel like a robot really. Not aware of much. Trying to be mindful is hard work when you just don't want to think.

Agitated but no energy to move.

Lost, alone, scared.

Lack of appetite. Can't think positive. Just alone in everything. I'll make a new response about the relationship.

[Guest_9043]

Paul,

Following on from prior response. I was the one to end the relationship. Not an easy call to make, though I had to make it. I'm not prepared to make my final thoughts in it all because of my state right now.

I ended it because I could no longer allow any more hurt or pain for me. She said some very hurtful things and I also felt it was messing with my head a lot. It is not the first time. She wanted me to take responsibility for things I'd done. She tried to blame me for things that were her own doing and I said I am not wearing it at all. It belongs to you, not me.

I was very confused when she said it to me. The whole thing was just devastating. She said she doesn't feel safe. Tried to pin that on me too. I asked her what is making her feel unsafe. She couldn't answer. I am a gentle person and not unsafe. I am strictly and strongly opposed to violence of any kind. I can't even watch violent movies.

She said if you won't take responsibility we got nothing. That was a really big stab in my heart. That was it for me really. I ended it right then and there. I don't regret that decision. It cut deep. She does not understand that nor do I think she understands that it really hurt deeply to hear her say that about our relationship.

I asked what must I take responsibility for? She could not tell me. Then she bought up the same incident which was minor that happened months ago. I had apologised for it and taken responsibility for it. She got more understanding around it. I thought it was a matter put to rest. I do now remember she brings it up again and again, like she can't let go of it. It really was so minor.

I told her I was confused in taking responsibility as the other night I said to her I feel that sometimes I fail you as a partner. She reassured me that I do not ever fail her and have never failed her. She stood by me saying I have been the most amazing partner she has ever had. So the revelation that I need to take responsibility for things and not telling me what those things are did mess with my head.

I asked out of all the four months we have been together she could have told me. I have always provided a safe, loving and non judgemental space for her to talk to me about anything. She is well aware that transparency, communication and honesty is something I need and value in a relationship. She does have a lot of issues with communication and opening up to me. I do know it is not cause of me or anything I have done. I also know that poor communication or lack of communication can ruin any relationship eventually. I'm a communicator so working with this has been very hard and challenging for me.

She shuts down, shuts me out at crucial times. Just goes quiet, barely speaks to me like I am not here. That's hard to take when you have beautiful moments of bonding and closeness. I had my struggles with that because of my childhood abuse. No real bond with my mother and just hurt and pain if I got too close. I dropped all of that with my now ex partner so naturally it is another devastating blow to me.

Ending things and having my own space I sleep in now has made me see that she does indeed have major issues she needs to work on and she doesn't need me to do that. I can also see I am going to continue getting hurt through her own process and more than likely it will kill the relationship anyway.

She also said you always were saying you are a good partner. Like that was a bad thing? I told her I was allowed to say nice things about myself to raise my self esteem. I'm allowed to try feel good about me. She tried to say this was the reason she never bought things up. I won't wear it. It feels like emotional manipulation and the blame is on me.

This all bought me to ending it today. It was in my best interests. It's still very sad if course. Right for me though and now she is completely free to live life as she wishes. I am going to move out as soon as I can. I'm sleeping in my own space now. So yeah just a lot to work through at this point.