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Controlling Parents into adulthood
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Hello. I am 33 and have come to stay with my family for a few months for the holidays. I have had a huge fight with parents and not sure how to come back from it.
I feel like they treat me as a child. In my teens they were very strict and invaded my privacy by reading diaries and phones. This continued into my 20’s and I recall my mother reading some text messages I had sent to a boyfriend when I was 27 and confronting me about them.
Now anytime they tell me to do something I snap because I feel like I am being told off or controlled. Hence our huge argument.
I went to stay at a hotel and my father sent me an emailing guilt tripping me saying I had broken their hearts when all I needed was some space to myself - because well I am an adult!
My brother has a totally different relationship with my parents , he was a nerd and never up to any normal teenage mischief and had his own kids early on granting him a different level of respect .
What should I do? How do I play nice? It’s sad as I only have a short time left before going back home overseas and my parents are getting old now.
Thank you
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Thank you to everyone for your response you’re very kind.
Do you think I should explain to them why I react? I’m sure they don’t even realise they have been controlling in the past and this is why I am this way.
I know that they mean well…
Or would it be best to have a big glass of wine and try ignore the issues and fake a smile for the rest of my stay.
Thank you
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Thank you so much Buzzybees.
I will try speak with them tomorrow as I will be staying at the house again for the last week.
I’m sorry to hear you also had some issues but it sounds like you are in a better place now.
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It sounds like you’re going through a really tough emotional cycle with your parents — especially when boundaries from your adulthood clash with old family dynamics. It’s understandable to feel frustrated when you’re treated like the same child you once were, even though you’ve grown and changed.
One approach that might help is to set gentle but clear boundaries while keeping communication open. Instead of reacting in the moment, try calmly explaining how certain behaviours make you feel. Sometimes writing a note or message helps express emotions better than face-to-face discussions during tense moments.
You might also find it useful to focus on emotional management and self-awareness tools — like those used in workplace or relationship coaching programs. For instance, platforms emphasise emotional intelligence and communication balance in team settings, and many of those same principles apply in family relationships too: recognising triggers, responding with empathy, and setting healthy limits without guilt.
It’s clear you care deeply about your parents and want peace before leaving — and that’s a good foundation to rebuild from. Be kind to yourself, and remember that creating space doesn’t mean creating distance — it just helps you reconnect with more calm and understanding.
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