Continuing marriage after affair-I feel trapped

Saz86 · ‎07-11-2017

My husband and I have been married 8 years and have 2 kids together. A year ago I discovered after he didn't come home one night that he was having an affair. It was months of texting and phone calls behind my back and then this one night. He never came clean, I found out from a friend who knew the other girl and actually contacted her. She told me everything including screenshots of all their conversations. He led her to believe he was separated and wanted to be with her. I initially moved out with the kids, but have found myself back in our home. Things aren't the same. He is very remorseful, said he will do anything to make it up to me and for the most part he has been really good. He's a very good looking guy, gets lots of attention and people always love him. The trust for me is gone. My feelings for him have changed, I don't want to be physical with him and suddenly everything about him annoys me. I have tried to stay for the kids. They love him and he loves them. But I can't go on living like this. Every time he texts or makes a call or is away from home I always think the worst. He doesn't make me feel secure or loved. Has anyone stayed and had a successful marriage after an affair?

Morpheus · ‎08-11-2017

Hi Saz86,

The question is to be analysed a bit deeper than that and in a way, a bit selfishly: I understand what you want for your children but what about you? Do you want to be with him? Like, put his mistake aside, would you want to be with him? Is he a good enough man such that he is worth living with for the rest of your life?

Then your husband wants to have his cake and it eat it too. He needs a dose of reality where he cannot want one thing and another 100 incompatible things. He may want to be with his children but 1.-That's not an excuse to be with you and 2.-He does need to set his priorities straight. Wanting to be with you and have an ongoing flirtation is like wanting to have a bodybuilding physique but wanting to feed oneself with cake and tacos all the time. It just cannot happen. He needs to chose. He needs to know what he wants as it relates to you. After all, in a few years your children will leave the nest and then you're left with each other.

I do believe in forgiveness as I saw it with my own parents after my mum forgave my dad over an affair. They dealt with it for around 6 months of counselling and my mum never brought it back. She put it behind her.

Keep being strong.

MissMySon · ‎20-11-2017

Hi Saz, I'm sad to hear of your situation, I have been in the same boat. I found out my Ex was cheating 5 days after finding out I was going to be a dad for the first time. My world crashed, my trust in her was destroyed, and I was left doubting if I was the father. Anyway, I stayed with her for a further 4 years, during which, I was subject to controlling behavior, constant criticism, physical and emotional abuse, all of the traits of a Narcissist. I was miserable.

Three months ago, I was thrown out like trash, and the minute I was gone, she immediately followed the guy she cheated with on social media. I feel used, and as if I have wasted those years, just to give my son a "family" and I realise now that my son would have had a much better quality of life if I had of just left when she cheated. Quality, not Quantity

I believe ONCE A CHEATER , ALWAYS A CHEATER, when trust is gone , its gone for good.

Make your decision for you, not for anyone else.

Peace and love to you,

Cheers, MMS/Scott

Saz86 · ‎19-12-2017

Thanks for all your help and advice. I have decided it's time for us to separate. I have told my husband that I am no longer wanting to be in this relationship.

He is not happy and feels like he has been putting in a lot of effort. Now I'm getting comments like "you just want to be single" and "I bet you are sleeping with someone else" and "I will never be good enough for you, you are breaking up our family".

I know he is trying to manipulate me so I'm trying to stay strong. Getting him to move out of our family home is going to be hard. I am however looking forward to finding myself again and making myself happy. I'm sick of living in a world of sadness. I used to be such a happy positive person and that's what I want to get back to.

wish me luck 🙂

Quercus · ‎20-12-2017

Hi Saz86 and welcome back.

Good for you! There's a very easy response to most of his barbs...

You're breaking up our family... Nope it broke when you decided to have an affair.

You just want to be single... Like you did husband?

You're probably sleeping with someone else... Look. In. The. Mirror. Jerk!

Sounds aggressive? Yep. But they don't need to be. When he throws them at you just shrug and turn it back on him. YOU hurt ME. I cannot forgive what you did. I don't want to and I DONT HAVE TO. I don't trust you.

I'm doing what I need to do to be able to have a civil relationship with you and raise our kids together. If you choose to leave the country and miss out on your kids that is your problem. Keep it civil and formal and polite for your girls but he doesn't get to choose what you do or feel. He lost that right when you decided what he had done was unforgiveable.

Guards up and protect yourself and your kids. You are strong and it will be ok. Surround yourself in whatever supports you have and write whenever you need ok.

Please take extra good care of yourself.

❤ Nat

Bettina61 · ‎02-05-2018

Please let me know how you are going, as the same thing happened to me and I only found out in December 2017. We have stayed together and things seem to be going well but I often feel awful when I let myself think about what he did. I question whether I should have stayed with him or not regularly, despite our relationship now being better than it ever was before. I don’t know if I will ever be able to stop myself thinking about it. Hope you are going well with your decision.