Constantly Worried About Teenage Son

[Guest_1573]

Hi

I have a 17 year old son whom I love dearly but who is causing me a great deal of anxiety and stress.

He suffers from insomnia and because of this he often misses school. On weekends he refuses to go anywhere and just wants to play on his computer. I keep telling him that all of that screen time and lack of daylight/exercise is making his issue worse but he just won't listen. He won't do anything I advise. It keeps me awake at night worrying about him and thinking of ways to help him.

Needless to say the insomnia has a ripple effect. Where he has gained weight; hates his body and says he doesn't want to be seen as people will think he is fat. For a start he is not that overweight and I try to explain to him that people really aren't judging others constantly. He has hardly any friends and the friends he does have are not good friends. All they want to do is smoke drugs and slack off.

His father (whom I divorced 16 years ago) is of little use. He has barely anything to do with my son. My son doesn't really like him much as in the past when he went there there were always issues...his father has anger issues etc. He is also remarried so my poor son is on the bottom of his list of priorities.

I have done all I can think of. Taken him to the Dr. Spoken to counsellors at school and via telephone. I am quite sure deep down that if I could get him interested in something other than gaming this could be key. I have suggested gym membership, purchasing a bike for him to go out on; many other things. All to no avail.

He is currently asleep (at 11.12 am) and missing school again today. I went to the chemist and bought some medication as I feel desperate. I will wake him at 1pm as he has to go to school tomorrow. He has already had 3 days off and this is only week 3! I despair as it seems absolutely nothing is helping and although I am doing everything suggested unless he takes it on board I am wasting my time.

Any suggestions gratefully accepted.

[white knight]

Looks like some progress happening

Good news

TonyWK

[Guest_1573]

Hi Tony

He has gone off with his Dad for the night to go camping/fishing. I am at my wit's end with him after Wednesdays' debacle :(. I simply have to step back and let him go and make his own mistakes. Nothing I do makes one iota of difference.

Now I have my dear foster dog she is paramount. He will quickly realise that she comes first as she came from a very bad place and needs training and so forth. He is almost 18 he needs to step up!

It is very nice not having him here yelling and carrying on in front of his stupid computer! Needless to say when he has his tantrums he never punches that; only doors and things that belong to me 😞 He knows if he broke his computer I would not buy him another one.

I truly think he needs to go to his Dads' even if just short term. His Dad is 50 and works 12 hour days in his business. My son needs to see this first hand! He expects absolutely everything and gives absolutely nothing!

I will take his Dad aside tomorrow and tell him everything that has been going on. He will be appalled I am sure. I just know that I am totally done with it and can't do it anymore. He is putting me in an early grave 😞

xxx

[Guest_1573]

Dear Tranzcrybe

I have only just now had time to really read your post and take it all in. You are incredibly clever and intuitive. I am actually blown away by your intelligence and insight.

I can see now how my helicopter parenting has disenabled him and given him more 'rope' to further continue. I have totally become the surrogate in his life. The surrogate father, family and friends. It is an incredibly heavy burden to bear.

I also agree that my helping constantly makes him feel worthless. Indeed this is very tricky as if I didn't wake him up and force him to get ready and go to school he wouldn't. That segues into the fact that he needs to make choices and be accountable. It is such a difficult situation. I know right now that if I don't do all of that he will simply not go to school. But....if he chooses that path then he has to be cognizant that he has had every chance and every support and it will be what it is.

Going forwards I promise you I will not do any of that. He knows his schedule. He knows the outcome if he doesn't go to school. It totally breaks my heart but carrying him is killing me. He has totally ruled my life since I left my husband 16 years ago. So many jobs I had to leave because he refused to go to care. So many different schools because he didn't like various people. I have only just paid off his private school fees. I paid a lot of money last year for him to attend a programming course..I had to drive two hour round trip every week...he did excel at that. I guess I am just totally heartbroken and exhausted. I feel like such a bad parent. I did everything for him that I never got But it has turned around and bitten me.

xxx

[tranzcrybe]

Hi PM,
Sorry for the pause - needed to say something but not exactly sure how to put it...
Essentially, I don't deserve any praise if you think you have been a bad parent; there is nothing but admiration for your conviction to raise your son and protect him from harm - in fact you are the antithesis of a bad parent.
I guess parenting sits on a scale of freedom and control - too much freedom is tantamount to neglect, too much control inhibits personal growth. Life is a balancing act where there are no right or wrong decisions if they are made out of love...
But there are outcomes and these require a constantly evolving set of decisions - some of them rather hastily formulated for want of discussion and another perspective.
And that's where parentS have the advantage over parent - negotiation, 'good cop/bad cop' diversity, or even having the space to lean one way or the other (the same applies to there being a child as opposed to children) - the focus can only feel too direct, and all sources emanate from and radiate to only one and the other respectively.
No, PM, you are not a bad parent, but perhaps your insecurities persuaded your actions to err on supporting your son as a means of supporting yourself (you realise that your son never 'made' you change care and school, private vs public, and even his extra curricular? - you always had the option to say no).
You have made many (too many) sacrifices which has left a feeling of 'emotional debt' that your son is clearly not of an age to process - he will, probably after he has kids of his own... or sooner.
Your son is the product of your love and your only entitlement is to hope (not be obligated/responsible) he applies this in his adult life when confronted with such decisions for himself. Of course you won't see this in a grouchy 17 year old, but academic achievement has little correlation to resourcefulness or savvy acumen once given the opportunity to utilise it.
Faith.

[Guest_1573]

Sorry for such a late response...I only saw this now!

I still think you are incredibly smart and intuitive when it comes to the dynamic between my son and myself. It is really amazing. And again; I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support. xx

I have very good news. After weeks of not getting any straight answers I was finally informed that due to my son undertaking (and excelling) in an outside of school Certificate 3 last year; he was qualified to enrol in an undergraduate course at our University. He applied for Bachelor of Info Tech/Cybersecurity and has been accepted!!!! This term at his school has been an absolute waste of time!

The pressure is off big time. He has applied for a part time job at our local store and will begin Uni July 25. He is fantastic with IT etc and I know he will apply himself and excel. He totally blitzed the Programming Course last year; his tutor was asking him to create a program for the school's expo! So he will be working until July then he will concentrate on Uni and just cut his work hours back.

This will be the biggest learning curve for him but he is more than ready. He has been totally bored with school and just wants to study IT etc. The job will be great for him also as he will meet new people and have to be responsible and accountable.

I finally see some light and it is not a train!

Thankyou again. How I wish I could meet you. You are incredibly intelligent and well-read. Sympathetic, empathetic but not to the point your listener feels like a victim anymore. Whoever you are...I send you love, thanks, gratitude and blessings.

xxxxx

[tranzcrybe]

No matter how rocky the terrain, the river always finds its way to the sea eventually.
Now it's time to think about you...

[Guest_1573]

True xxx