constant panic attacks

[Bee27]

Hi all,

This is my first post on here so I hope it works!

I have GAD and am most of the time under control. I also have panic disorder which doesn’t appear to affect me most the time. But once I have a panic attack, everything seems to unravel and I am left trying to pick myself back up again and get out of the fight/flight mode that seems to riddle me after I have an attack. It feels as though another panic attack is just around the corner. These panic attacks often last for hours on end and I struggle to even function.

i am married with 3 young kids and life with husband has become rather dull. We seem to be less interested in each other and barely talk to each other unless it involves discussing the kids.

about 5 months ago I started a physical and emotional affair with another married man. This was like nothing I had ever done. Is something I never ever thought I could possibly do...but I became addicted. I did suffer pangs of guilt here and there but was so caught up in the new feelings of being wanted and heard that I was always able to override the guilt.

this weekend however, the guilt has hit me like a freight train. I don’t want to lose my husband or my children and I don’t want to break up my family. I know if I tell my husband that our relationship would be completely done. But the guilt is so heavy it makes me want to confess. In the past when having a panic attack, confessing to something I’m guilty of has helped me get over the panic... usually it’s something very silly such as a thought that popped into my mind or a tiny white lie I might have told. My husband usually laughs and says don’t worry about it. And then I can move on.

im worried that telling him this is more for my benefit of being able to confess and feel better rather than benefiting him. I know that it’s not ideal hiding this from him but to tell him would tear my family apart, and my kids and he would suffer.

im hoping I can learn to get out of the panic cycle without having a “confession” and looking for any guidance.

I know that having an affair is truly an awful thing to do and I’m sorry that I ever got into it. I’m still trying to figure out how I even got there when it is so far out my normal thinking to even consider one.

please don’t post any negativity about the affair as I already feel guilty enough and am just looking for help.

If youve come this far, Thanks for reading.

[calmseeker]

Hi again Bee,

I understand when you say 'glad' someone experiences the same symptoms, I know very well that you mean that you don't feel so isolated or so unusual in your panic experiences when you hear somebody else suffers in the same fashion. I have never had the racing heart and cardio related panic attacks I hear others speak of. My GAD and PD manifests differently than that - its more like a feeling of pure dread, or that something is terribly wrong or something awful is about to happen which can end up with me shaking and vomiting and feeling out of control. Often during this I feel like I am going crazy and I am sure I will never snap out of it. CBT is slowly helping with this, as well as trying to look after my general health. I also am up at crazy hours due to a racing mind at night. My partner wakes at 4am for work and its not unusual to find me sitting on the sofa.

I am just a humble fellow anxiety sufferer, no professional, but I wonder Bee if you may be suffering a bit of depression with your anxiety condition. Depression and anxiety tend to go hand in hand, they seem to be besties. Overwhelming feelings of guilt can be a symptom or anxiety but also of depression. I know you can pinpoint your guilty feelings to the infidelity but you mentioned in your original post that you have previously felt guilt throughout your battles with GAD. Not that I am making excuses for your affair, but maybe depression could have been a contributing factor. We tend to not be ourselves when we are depressed and engage in unwanted behaviours.

I am so glad to hear you will reconnect with your psychologist, I really think this will be helpful for you. Try not to worry about her judging you, its not her job to do that and any decent therapist will know that anxiety tends to come and go in bouts - we think we are home free and have beat it to some degree then it rears its ugly head once more. I am the same, it comes and then lessens in severity for a few months and then it comes back with a vengeance. Therapy, meds, mindfulness, healthy lifestyle and lots of support are some of the things that can help us and I myself am trying to find things from that list which work for me, but its a journey and I am trying my best.

Chat away here any time that it helps and I hope that your therapist can help you to forgive yourself and my fingers are crossed for you that the nasty symptoms of anxiety ease up for you a bit.

CS xo

[Guest_3256]

Hi Bee27.

I am really sorry to hear of your situation and really feel for you and your family. As others have stated, this is a place not to feel judged. Just going off what you have stated, I would imagine that the way you feel is possibly due to the infidelity and that you would be seeking professional support to help you combat what you are experiencing.

The hardest thing anyone could do (no matter what mistake was committed) is accepting responsibility for what has happened and then putting in some really good actions to help you through your next steps.

There's a fine line between pleasure and pain.

Right now, the best thing you can do is focus on yourself by looking after your Husband and the Kids.

Speak with a mental health professional and be careful not to neglect your family.

Best of luck.

🙂