Confusion and depression

[Quiettall]

Earlier this year, I took the opportunity to work for three months as a volunteer on an overseas aid project in Vietnam. I have been retired for a few years and find it is not fulfilling enough to just be at home, do a few voluntary committee board roles, and play in the garden.

My wife insisted we move back to Brisbane to be close to her family, but since moving here, we have only made contact with 2 out of 8 other siblings, due to ongoing ill-feeling over distribution of her mother's estate.

I had an interesting time in Vietnam. I felt socially isolated due to language and culture issues, but stuck it out and achieved what I set out to do and more. However, while there, I met a woman 20 years younger and over the last 8 weeks I was there developed a strong and intimate bond. I felt younger, more alive and could see a future which was much more rewarding than sitting around here listening to grievances about family, her illnesses, and watching the world go by.

I've been back 2 weeks, and tried to share my experiences with my wife and her family, but there is little if any interest on their part. I feel very lost and alone and constantly thinking about going back to Vietnam to reconnect with my partner there and try to assimilate into Vietnamese life.

I've tried showing warmth and interest in my wife, but there is not much in return. My head says stay and try to work things out. My heart says follow your instincts and take the positives of my experiences and see if I can make something of them back in Vietnam.

I dont know which way to turn, as it is easier and more comfortable from a financial and lifestyle to stay here and pretend nothing happened, though my mind constantly replays the good parts of my Hanoi experience. I try to counteract that by reminding myself of the challenges I had with language, culture etc.

[Quiettall]

Thank you Mary for your honesty. It so happens I was doing some gardening and thinknig about what the others said in their response. So I got onto skype and talked to my Viet friend. After a brief discussion we agreed that it was over, that I should concentrate on my wife and making our life what we started out to be, and if it doesn't work, then I should go seek my own life, not jump from one nest to the next.

We both acknowledged the hurt our brief relationship and my returning to Australia had caused, but agreed it was best we forget each other and move on.

[White_Rose]

Hello Quietall

I'm not sure if I should congratulate you or not. It's good that you have made a decision and I hope it will prove to be the correct decision, though from what perspective I don't know. May I continue to suggest that you consider your life and any dreams you once had.

Waking up to boredom and lost dreams is sustainable for a short time only. Make your own life happy and live your dream. If it helps, continue to write in here. Sometimes we need a place to go when we are weary with day. Take good care of yourself.

Mary

[Quiettall]

Thanks Mary for yoour advice and encouragement. the decision to move on comes with some sadness as I feel I have left behind some really happy times which I will retain as positive memories. However, I can now concentrate on creating happier times with my wife. We had a very lengthy talk late last night where I felt more comfortable to canvas lots of issues with her. This morning I woke feeling relieved, although still feeling a tinge sad about my Viet friend. However life goes on and time is a great healer.

[White_Rose]

Losing touch with someone you cared for is always sad. Let yourself grieve a little. This honours your friendship. It was good and now is no more. To not acknowledge the pain of loss only makes the hurt grow inwards and you become bitter, angry and disappointed.

I am so pleased you and your wife were able to have a good chat and that you both came to at least some conclusions and answers. It will take time to re-lay the foundations but when this makes the future better in some way, I think you will find it worthwhile.

I do however mean what I said about finding what floats your boat. You need to be what you want to be. On a purely physical level, you are far more likely to have an early death if all you do is sit around. At least, that's what the stats tell us. You are also more likely to become depressed and that is not a good road to travel.

Gardening is great and when you have your garden in order you can fix mine. Seriously though, would you enjoy odd-jobbing gardening? Gardeners tell me they live longer because they are happy in their work, out in the fresh air and keeping active. And of course many eat well from the product of their labour.

For indoors, if you like reading, find a local book club. Libraries often know the details of local book clubs. Join your local Men's Shed. Make new friends and talk to other men. Perhaps you have a skill that you can pass on to others. I understand the coffee break chats are great. Search online for your nearest Men's Shed.

Cheers
Mary

[Quiettall]

Thank you Mary for your support. I am working on acknowledging the loss of a relationship I enjoyed greatly even for a short time. I am grieving this, and the hurt that the other party is experiencing, but acknowledging the uphill battle it would have been to continue, with the cultural and language differences, let alone the age difference. Also the hurt that would have come from yet another marriage split.

I am also looking forward, working on my garden, connecting more with a guy who is a neighbour across the road who lost his wife 8 years ago and has been a recluse ever since. Also am considering doing other assignments elsewhere to use my skills, rather than just sit and rot and get bored and die early. Our talents, experiences and skills are gifts given to us to use for the greater good, not to sit on them.

Thank you again MAry. I fluctuate between feeling at peace, feeling sad for what was and is not to be, and forcing myself to take stock and think forward positively.

[Neil_1]

Hi there Quiettall

I’ve also been wondering first up about your name – did you mean to be Quiettall or Quite Tall? Just a little aside there with my warped sense of humour.

Ok, that’s been a big weekend for you, decision wise, talking wise to both Vietnam and here. Major decisions and then major talks with your wife and you said you’ve woken up feeling relieved. That must have been bloody good to feel that.

You’ve had some awesome responses to you over the weekend as well as suggestions.

I’ve just got a couple more to throw out there and the first one will probably not be a goer, as it does depend on what your wife would think and you’ve already mentioned, I think that she’s just happy where she is at the moment. This suggestion was to see if you could possibly consider the overseas volunteering thing again, but in a different location however this time, see if you and your wife could go as a package? I know nothing about these sorts of things, but if you could do one for a few months or so, perhaps your wife might feel it might be something different to try. And if yes, then the both of you going, could really open up new frontiers to your marriage, perhaps a new spark etc; a different country, the two of you together, learning and finding out about other things, as well as naturally helping others.

Another thought, again, just coming from me being a sporty kind of 50yo – running. You mentioned that you are on the fit and young side for your age – then use that to your advantage. Personally with running, I love to cover km’s. The long-distance stuff; obviously it takes a long time to build up to that, so your body can become accustomed to such stresses that this causes to the legs, knees, etc; but with the right shoes (and socks) and proper lead up training – it’s bloody awesome. I do it via minutes. Start out for 10 mins, then perhaps 12 mins; do those for a week or so, then slowly add mins. You don’t have to run the whole time; walking works just fine as well – but in time the length of running will increase.

Ok, I said two, but here’s one last one. What about a cruise with your wife? There are so many and now you’re retired, you can go off to new climes and do it in style; with everything laid on and cocktails/beers by the poolside bar, could be another new and exciting experience to get the lurrrvvee flowing between the two of you.

Again, all just thoughts.

Cheers

Neil

[White_Rose]

Well, you have a come long way since your first post. Many congratulations.

The fluctuating feelings you have about the whole situation are normal. It's called the grief process and applies to any form of loss from whatever cause. The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. This is roughly the order we experience these emotions, but we also flip from one to another, backwards and forwards. It can be very confusing. The intensity of each emotion varies with the depth of loss.

These feelings do not go away quickly but living with them, so to speak, and not trying to push them down means you will recover.

Sometimes I wish the list included forgetting but this is only when the anger or pain is hard to bear. Keeping our precious memories is good for us I believe.

I am so pleased you are connecting with your neighbour. You can appreciate his loss and grief and I think both of you will find some comfort with each other. It is sad that we only understand another's grief through our own losses. And this is why BB works so well. We answer others from the depth and knowledge of our own experiences.

Accepting other assignments for short periods sounds great. I suggest that none of them are in Vietnam for obvious reasons. Neil has suggested that your wife could go with you. If there is a choice of the destination, do you think she may be persuaded to this? At the very least it will give her an insight into the work you enjoy doing. One potential problem is that you will be working during the day I suspect and leaving your wife on her own. This would be a huge problem and you need to have a plan for this if the trip is to work. Please stay at home for a few months before going away.

I think Neil's last suggestion would be more acceptable to your wife, if she is willing to take a holiday with you.

Back to your garden. Is this a large part of your life? There are annual garden competitions in various towns/cities/states. Gardening Australia has a comp annually. And of course there is the Open Gardens Scheme. You look this up as well.

You sound like a vigorous man who will enter into any activity with great energy. Good stuff.

Mary

[Quiettall]

Hi Neil

Thank you so much for your thoughts. I have suggested to my wife we take a week or 10 days and do a simple relaxing drive holiday down the coast, reconnecting with each other away from home, the phone, emails etc. She has agreed with that.

I have been approached to do a 12 month contract to follow up in Vietnam, coming and going 3-4 times over that period. They are also keen to build my wife into the project and cost structure. She has flatly refused, so we will put that on hold. As for doing another assignment elsewhere, she has said she is really not interested but will consider every option as it is presented.

As for the running, I fell last week and partially cracked a vertabrae so gardening and vigorous exercise is out of the question for the time being, which is frustrating, because I find physical activity helps to get the mind working on a more positive frame.

As for the cruise idea, we did three last year and really enjoyed them. Two of them were with her family, which I found a little tiresome because I was given the job or organising the booking, logisitcs etc and felt more like a tour director than just one of a party enjoying the holiday. As a result, I have made it clear if we do other overseas holidays and/or cruises, we go on our own and relax. While I returned saying I didnt want to travel for a while, after being home a few weeks, I am keen to explore that option again.

I really do appreciate your thoughts and support

Quiet Tall

[Quiettall]

Thanks Mary for your advice and support. I understand the stages of grieiving and am clear that I am fluctuating between the last three at the moment.

Connecting with my neighbour is good, as I have also done with my older brother and his wife, although both are at least 5-10 years older physically and 10-120 years older mentally, which is a tad frustrating.

I am feeling more and more that it would be painful all round to return to Voetnam although I would love to go back and complete the project I was working on as I connected very well with many of the target group we worked with and saw some great results. I agree about staying home and/or spedning a reasonable period of time with my wife before heading off again on another assignment, and I indicated to her I would prefer her come with me if I did undertake a project. She said she would consider each on their merit but really is not interested in that sort of work.

Working on the garden is good and I have started to think about a bit of landscaping and reorganising my garage to do some tinkering and creative work. However I have to be careful for the time being as I have injured my back and been told by the doctor that I should resist any physical activity for the next few weeks until it heals fully.

You are right about being vigorous, as I hate just sitting round passing the time. My mind starts working overtime and imagining and reflecting on the things I have been struggling with. I find when I am busy doing constructive things, I feel better and time passes quickly....as time is a good healer.

My wife and I have agreed to go for a week to ten day drive down the coast to reconnect next week. This will get us both out of the house and the current context and allow for some refreshment of connections between ourselves, and our friends and family who we haven't seen for a while.

I really appreciate your concern and support Mary. Thank you.

[White_Rose]

That is terrific news. I hope it all goes well. Gold Coast?

Can I ask what you do on these work trips. Not sure what you call them. It sounds interesting, particularly when you talk about target groups.

My tinkering and creative work is confined to embroidery, making dresses for my granddaughters and scrapbooking. I think about my garden constantly and plan heaps in my mind. Then I realise I am not up to the physical stuff. Well, that's what I tell myself but I suspect it's all too hard. I do have a couple of volunteer jobs which get me out of the house.

I also attend an exercise class once per week. I dislike exercising on my own but spend an enjoyable hour in the company of four other ladies exercising body and mouth.

Have fun away from home.

Mary