Confused

[Likeadream]

Hi, I met a guy, we spent 4 weeks together and it was amazing. We weren't going to pursue a relationship because he was moving back to his home state. 6 weeks after he left I found out I was pregnant. I moved to his home state to be with him when our baby was 6 weeks old. We have now been together 6 .5 years. 3 years ago we moved back to my home state and we bought a house. I had literally been in the house 1 week (he is fifo) and he told me that he didn't love me anymore. We eventually worked things out because I didn't want to throw away our relationship. A year later he proposed and we have been happy (I think). He wants to move back to his home state next year as all his friends and family are there (I don't really have any family) I feel confused because lately I have been thinking that we are not right for each other..he isn't affectionate..or loving..he is a wonderful dad and an excellent provider (I work full time also so not just a one income family) I don't want to break up my family but my heart is hurting. It hurts when I think about our son..I don't want to hurt him. I'm just really confused as to what to do...do I break it off with him to be happy or do I stay and try and get back to being a happy family. My son is and will always be my number priority in all of this!

[SubduedBlues]

Hi Likeadream welcome to BB

It would seem to me that there are other little things piling up, and that these are are starting to bother you. Enough little things that you are now starting to question whether you want to spend the rest of your life with him. This on its own, is reason enough to reach out and seek assistance from a marriage counselor.

First, I think you need to reflect and explore what is or isn't working for you. Having accomplished this, or at least started it, you then need to have joint sessions with your husband present so to work out your differences and find a path to mutual benefit in your relationship.

Sometimes the idea of counseling raises alarm to some people. At first they may become defensive at the suggestion, or dismissive of the idea, both of which are normal reactions. It can be hard for many people to acknowledge (let alone admit to themselves) that something is not quite right.

Once both parties are on-board with using the counseling session to reset the course of your marriage, then you have a wonderful chance in getting back on track that benefits all concerned.

SB

[geoff]

hello Likeadream, I think that all you are after is someone to show you some love and affection, where you can have a talk with him and go to counselling which is definitely a good idea, but eventually are things going to change, because from my experience they can temporarily but it's too hard to continue and they go back to how they were.
Your son is your main priority and your decision is whether there is a close r/ship between your son and your husband, because that has to be considered, and you could do something that you enjoy, although I wonder whether this is going to change how you feel, because this will have to involve the both of you.
As SB has said 'It can be hard for many people to acknowledge that something is not quite right' and often deny what has been said, and when this happens it could create more hostility.
It's not an easy decision to make, because you have your son to consider and what's going to happen with him in the future, in terms of school, plus all the other activities. Geoff.

[Likeadream]

When we split up 2 years ago, i was willing to try anything. i suggested councilling but he was pretty shut off to the idea. As we are living in my home state, he didnt really have anyone/anywhere to go to. He just stayed living in the house we bought. after 8 or so weeks, we kind of just worked things out. I just so lost and idont know what to do next. We have are going to his home state for 1 week next week, so im going to see how things go while away. As he if FIFO maybe this is the reason we are drifting apart?? I am willing to do what everi can to save this relationship, idont want to be the one to break up my family!

[Likeadream]

hi geoff,

i will definitely be having a talk with him, just have to find the right time (if there is such a time).

the relationship between my fiance and son is a bit strained. my fiance has been FIFO for half of his life. i work so hard to try a bring their relationship closer.

as for acknowledging something isnt right......i think we both are turning a blind eye at the moment.

it is definitley not an easy decision to make. im so torn. im hoping we can fix this....if we cant...well i hope we can be civil.

[SubduedBlues]

Likeadream...

Where FIFO can be a strain on a marriage (I did that for 2 years) it still requires effort from both parties to make it work. If you're the only person trying, then possibly you're delaying what might be the inevitable.

I recommend that you broach the topic of counselling once again, thought this time you might want to phrase it more like: "I think I need marriage counselling to make our relationship continue to work. Would you support me in this, and go to a couple sessions with me?"

By phrasing the question this way, I'm suggesting that you mask his perception about why he is going to see the counselor. Basically, you're allowing him to continue with his self-belief that he doesn't need counselling, and that he is only going to help you. (though, actually, you're both going for both of you.)

But then, if he is a stick in the mud, and refuses to go... even to help you... then you may need to reconsider your medium to long term outlook.

This is important. IF you decide that you are going to end the relationship, it is very important that you break up in whichever state you want to live in. As once you split up, neither parent can relocate the child/ren across state lines without the express permission of the other parent. So, if you move to his state, and then break up, you are stuck living in that state or having to have his permission to move your child to your state.

I don't mean to paint a bleak picture, but I think it's important that you consider all aspects before making any decisions. So, as your marriage is struggling, you need to ask yourself whether your partner is aware of this information and is moving you back to his state for the same reasons (but from his perspective).

I think changing cities/states is always a big impact on relationships. Often we move so that one person is better off, and the other one has hopes that they can build a new life with their partner in the new place. (By moving the your partner's home state, will he stop being a FIFO and have more home time? If not, then why move?) Also if you're marriage is already strained, can you - in good conscience - see a better life for yourself after the move?

---

I hope that all I have said is wrong, and that you are worrying over nothing. May you have the wonderful marriage you always dreamt of.

SB

[Likeadream]

Hi subduedblues,

i understand that fifo requires work from both parties. My father was fifo my whole life (still is) I honestly feel that I try and try and everything is an effort for him. I try so hard to keep him up to date in the happenings of our sons life, and when my partner is home..he just doesn't try. I understand that we weren't together when I fell pregnant and this happening was a huge shock..but I changed every aspect of my life to be with him and be a family! As much as I love my partners family, they are fantastic soo supportive and accepting...unlike mine...I don't want to move back to his home state because if we do split for good..ill literally have nothing. Whereas in my state atleast I have friends.

another thing that I'm having a super hard time with is the passing of my mum. She died in a horrific way..(house fire)..we weren't close for the last 3 years of her life..but it hurts my heart to think of leaving her ashes. I honestly don't think I can...we have sooo many unresolved issues (I understand that we will never resolve them) but I think that is why I'm attached to her ashes!

Im just super confused...I'll speak with my partner in a few weeks. Hopefully my brain is a bit clearer then!