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confused wife

sad83
Community Member
I have a husband who has suffered depression, anxiety and I believe undiagonsed mental health conditions for most of his adult life. We have been married since 2011 and have one child together. I have 2 other children and he has another daughter also that he doesnt see. He and his family dont talk. They had a falling out (one of many) about 5 years ago. We have had ups and downs in our relationship. But something snapped in him about 4 months ago and it has been a living hell, walking on egg shells trying to avoid doing or saying anything that will set him off. He says horrible hurtful things and then blames the person he is mad at for his actions. He got demoted at work because he just cant say things to people in a nice way, despite me me and others offering alternate ways. He never wants to do anything different. because "he should have to" everything is black and white and he cant understand why people dont do everthing the way he thinks it should be done. the same problems we have at home. He has a past history of self harm and major depression. I have tried to get him to go to see a psychologist but as yet I am not succsessful. He threatens to just end it all when he gets like this. One minute he loves me the next I am the worst most putrid thing he has ever layed eyes on. He has this view of everyone. He thinks people only blame him for the things he does because of his depression. Not because of his actions. We have just started building our first house together and jsut about every day he threatens to go to the bank and tell them he doesnt want it. because he doesnt want to do anything with me/ he hates me etc. We have sacrificed so much to get this and spent 3 years saving. I dont know what to do. My kids are scared. one scared that he willl leave, the others scared because they are always in trouble. He is always so worried that no-one is on his side. He loses it if I tell him not to call my kids names because I am on their side and not his. I ask him over and over again to not speak to the kids like he does, dont call them pigs, lazy etc and then doesnt understand why he has people telling him not to say things. "He yells Im allowed to say something" like he is the victim. If I cry Im playing the victim. If my son is scared its because I made him worried. If hes mad its my daughters fault because she always gets him in 'trouble'. He always says I abuse him but in reality I cant even have a converstaion with him because I could never 'win'. Help!
3 Replies 3

Neil_1
Community Member
Hi there sad83,

I’d firstly like to welcome you to Beyond Blue and to thank you for coming here and posting.

Oh boy, what a situation.

From what you’ve described this sounds like it’s a snowball on a pretty steep slope, gaining momentum and getting bigger – I’m referring to your husband here. A “living hell” sounds a very apt way of describing things.

Can I ask, that say, prior to 4 months ago, was he for the most part “ok”? Did he have any of the tendencies that you’ve described below or was it a really massive changing of him and he’s totally turned 360 degrees? I’d be honestly super surprised if he was ok, cause the symptoms you’ve described really sound like someone who has this kind of behaviour ‘down-pat’ and that it is just second nature.

It is pleasing to hear that you’ve tried for him to seek professional help, but in these instances where the person who clearly needs it, won’t, then it really makes things terribly difficult for the sufferers (the sufferers of him, I’m referring to). Walking on egg shells in your own home is not the way to live, as I’d think you’d fully agree.

Do you fear for your own safety and/or that of your kids? I honestly think it’s bad enough that you’ve said that your children are scared of him. To me, that would be the catalyst for getting the hell out of there. To me, it sounds like you’ve tried, you’ve spoken with him, you’ve asked him not to say or do these things, but he turns it back upon you.

As I mentioned at the start, he seems like a snowball, gaining momentum and building up and with what you’ve described, he sounds like he could really erupt at any time in the future. I had a blood relation like this, and I just cut all ties with him … one of the best things I’ve ever done.

Would love to hear back from you.

Neil

sad83
Community Member
He was for the most part OK, I guess or appeared to be. But it is always underlying even when he is good. He is self destructive everytime something good happens Like were finally getting our house so he might as well throw it all in now because he thinks he will lose it all anyway. This is the worst its ever been. Everything is love hate, black and white and it effects all aspects of his life. He doesn't know who he is and everyone is 'just like his mother' judging him and treating him badly. He is a good person but all of his good traits like loyalty and passion are in over drive to his detriment. The kids arent scared of him pyhsically just that theyre confused, wishing the old Dad would dome back I guess.... I know there is underlying mental health conditions, I don't want to leave him, I just want to get help for him and help him to see life doesn't have to be so hard and everyone is not against him and if he could learn to speak with people instead of at them, getting frustrated at why no one sees his point of view, people might actually listen to him teh way he so desperately wants!!

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Sad83~

I'll join Neil in welcoming you here to the Forum. As he has said you are the situation where you can see the obvious and most urgent need for your husband to have proper treatment, but sadly it is not something you can initiate, he has to do that. If the sort of encouragement you have been giving does not work then basically you are stuck. This is unfortunately a common problem.

I'm afraid there is another common problem too, clinging on to memories of happier times and brief snatches of normalcy in an otherwise toxic situation. For both you and the children it is a most upsetting thing to see your husband in this irrational and aggressive state even if you are not at the moment afraid of violence.

Living like this generates an awful lot of pressure and emotion and, if there is any choice in the matter, should not be faced alone. Do you have people to support you? Parents, other family or friends? Someone who will understand and want to help? If there is someone I think it is not a time to try to soldier on alone.

Ideally I guess it would be good to have somewhere for you and the children to go to for a while. Perhaps taking this sort of action might encourage your husband to do something positive, particularly if he can be made to realize he is driving his family away.

Both Neil, I and others here would like it if you came back and said what you thought

Croix