Combating feelings of anxiety with a depressed partner

ForeverForager · ‎11-06-2018

Hi there, first-time poster so I'm not sure if I'm gonna go well but here goes.

I'm currently in a long term relationship with my beautiful partner and I absolutely love her to bits. She's amazing in every way shape and form and I'm the luckiest man alive to be with her. She's been my light in the dark times and never fails to make me laugh. The only thing is...she's been struggling lately. Things have been harsh for her and I can only imagine the levels of pain she must be going through. It's on and off as everyone would think, but over the time I've known her this has definitely been the worst it's ever been. It makes me feel sad to see her this way, but I never fail to remember who she really is. Unfortunately, sometimes I realise that I'm falling a little. There's allot of pressure on me to take care every time things get bad and sometimes I wonder if I'm truly doing the right things. I've struggled with anxiety for a long time now, but through my partner I've found the strength to push through and do what's best for the both of us. I know that things will get better and there's always a sunlight, but I find myself panicking often on the bad days. I find myself thinking the worst at work when I don't get a reply or staying awake at night watching over her when I feel like something might go wrong. I have to trust in her that it won't, but it can get severely difficult to escape my own thoughts. I don't want to smother her, but I don't want to leave her alone either. She's current;y seeing someone weekly for help but I panic wondering if I'm doing the right thing.

It can be difficult sometimes to need and want to protect someone from themselves when you always worry you're going to say the wrong thing. It's really difficult to put my feelings into words because there's just so much that I feel. I love her so much and want to be by her side through these dark times, and feel that I wish I could help in other ways. I just, sometimes feel like I'm slipping and falling sometimes. Struggling with horrid thoughts and anxieties makes it difficult to support. Don't we all just wish there was a magical cure?

I don't really know what I'm looking for. I just...sat down and wrote what was on my mind. Maybe I'm just looking for some kind of encouragement? I'm safe and of stable mind I feel. So I know I'm not in any danger. But the wolves of the mind get us all sometimes.

Thanks for ya time and I hope everyone is feeling safe and having a good day!
Love ya

smallwolf · ‎11-06-2018

ForeverForager,

Hi and welcome to beyond blue. It is OK if your thoughts are rambling. Your post also shows the level of depth and concern you have for your partner; at least to me.

There are two ways you can handle your situation... either it is your inner critic talking and telling you the worst, or there is an issue you and your wife need to address, or a combination of both?

I will address the first thing that jumped out at me. You mentioned "trust". I assume that your partner has given you an assurance that everything will be OK. My response would be that unless there is some immediate danger about her own safety, then yes I think you should trust her. By way of example, my wife offered to stay at home with me one afternoon last week after a bad morning. I told her that I would be OK and she should go back to work. She needed to trust me that I would be OK. And I was. And maybe in that way, trust builds.

Also if there was something serious that needed to be addressed then I would hope this has been raised with the psychologist and plans set in place. With the help of my psychologist, I have a list of reason to continue and a safety plan, and other tools. My wife has seen my plan. And again, my wife has to trust that I will use the plan.

And the wolves do get into our mind and tell us the worst. We just have to thank them and tell them to move on. That is a trick from a book I read... to acknowledge the thought and carry on, as opposed to dwelling on that thought over and over.

I hope you don't mind if a ask a couple of questions. You do not have to necessarily answer here...

I assume you are also getting professional help for your issues as well?

Are you able to speak about these thoughts with your wife? If not, what if you put it in writing? (Some things I find easier to tell my wife in a text message or email because that is easier than to verbalise.)

Elsewhere on the forum you will find threads on grounding yourself and other distraction techniques to help you get back to the present moment rather than ruminating on those thoughts. Let me know if you cannot find them, and I will see what I can dig up for you.

Stay strong. The people in this community will support you in whatever ways we can within this space. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Just have to find a way to reach it. And we will. We all will.

Tim