I have been
deliberating for a number of months about writing a post on here and I’ve
gotten to the stage in my relationship that I’m not sure what I’m going to do.
Cutting a long-story
short, I’ve been with my partner for 6 years now and I’ve been wanting to leave
for 3. The problem is, I constantly feel trapped and fearful of my
partner because she is emotionally abusive. I know she is and I know what she
is doing, yet I just can’t seem to get out.
I’m naturally
a very passive ‘go with the flow’ type of guy whereas she is very assertive, and I
think it has created an unhealthy balance of power within the relationship that’s
just festered for years. I don’t deal well with conflict, going silent in arguments
and giving unhelpful “I don’t know what to say” responses. I know that’s a big
issue and I want to and need to work on that, but it’s difficult when my
partner sits on a hair trigger to go from 0 to 100 aggression, which is further
exacerbated by her poorly managed anxiety.
There’s a
lot of other things that come in such as her codependence, not having any friends
or social supports and because of that I’m her only friend and have to do
everything with her.. and even then I get made to feel guilty if I want to do
something that doesn’t involve her. It’s gotten to the stage where she
manipulates me through my fear of her anger and all the guilt she piles up on
me for how she feels, for her mood swings, her body image, her self-esteem, her
lack of friends.. the list goes on. It’s always my fault and I’m constantly apologizing
for everything to try smooth things over- did I mention I don’t like conflict? I
don’t even bother arguing any more because I’m never right and she twists my words
and makes me admit I’m wrong and I’m sorry for what I’ve done to her.
It’s gotten
to the stage where she’s pushing me to buy a house and I’m terrified of being
stuck with that commitment over my head. I know there’s going to be a big
argument later this week / this weekend.
I guess I
just need some advice on how I can end this.. I've tried relationship counselling twice- failed. I’ve tried writing letters, I’ve
tried literally packing a bag and leaving but her phone calls and messages manipulate
me into always coming back… I’ve tried turning off my phone but the guilt always
gets the better of me. I’m just trapped in a never ending cycle of control, guilt, fear
and absolute misery.
Any suggestions
or would be much appreciated.
