Cheating Husband

[Broken86]

I just found out that my husband has been sleeping with other women for the past 5 years. He finds these women in dodgy massage parlours. He told me recently that he was going to meetings for sex and love addicts. I knew he had an issue with pornography but I had no idea that he was acting on it. We have been married for nearly 9 years and were meant to be starting to try for a family next week. I am in complete shock. He was such a beautiful, loving husband and we were so happy together. He is seeing a sex addiction therapist and I met with this same therapist yesterday and he says that my husband is beginning recovery and 'doing well'. But I am in complete shock. I gave ALL of my youth to this man and I can't believe this is happening to me. I don't know if I want to leave him, but how can I stay married to him? I was meant to have a baby with him which is all I have ever wanted and now I am at an age where if it's not with him, then it probably won't happen for me, which is devastating to think about. I haven't eaten in days and I feel numb in one moment and fury the very next. I am completely lost.

[white knight]

Hi broken, welcome

My views only of course.

Firstly, accepting this has happened to you is devastating and understandably so.

Your standards are what matters here no one elses. I will mention that I wouldnt remain with an adulterer. Trust would be broken forever particularly as he didnt discuss any problems with you.

When mentioning your dream of having a child it is no reason to remain with him.

I know you'll feel confused and torn between forgiveness and anger. Whatever you choose, choose the journey of least controversy and possibility of more hurt. This way you are caring for yourself.

Hope that helps

Tony WK

[quirkywords]

Broken

I am glad you have reached out to this forum.

It must be so difficult for you as it is so recent and you are probably still in shock.

You say you met your husband's counsellor . Have you thought of seeing your own counsellor to discuss your issues.

As Tony wrote, you need to care for yourself . Do you have any close friend or relative you can confide him.

You need to give yourself and decide what you want and what is best for you.

Just a few thoughts.

Quirky

[Nickname88]

Hi broken,

my thoughts are with you, this type of betrayal is devastating. I have been through similar.

Please go easy on yourself and accept that you have a healing process ahead regardless of what you decide to do.

Remember that the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. And please get yourself tested for sti's.

Take care of yourself.

[Phil1971]

Hi broken, I disagree with some of the advice you have received. If he is going to have counseling then he wants to do the right thing. Men have issues and don't know how to cope and unfortunately you are on the receiving end. I am so sorry for you and what he has done though listen to yourself and receive professional advice if possible. Take care.

[geoff]

hello Broken, lots of comments mostly which I agree with, because your husband is a sex addict and while there may not be any cure it can be managed, however that's where there could be a weak link, because what will he do when the two of you have a disagreement, not necessarily about sex, but other matters, which will make him feel better, that's something to be worried about I would think.
At the moment it wouldn't be a good idea to have a baby with him just for the sake of it, because you aren't certain of your future.
His therapist is going to say 'that your husband is beginning recovery and 'doing well', that's while he's in therapy, but he won't be doing this for ever, so it still leaves you with a big question mark to consider. Geoff.

[zani]

I found out 35 years ago that my" wonderful" husband had been cheating for five years & had a child with someone else. I took him back only to have him send a text message 3 weeks ago to say he has ended the marriage & I will never see or hear from him again. I say get out now as I feel I have been used for 42 years.

The utter despair & devastation I am feeling could have been avoided if I had of not forgiven his utter betrayal of my trust.Once a cheater always a cheater as they say.

Love & hugs to you🤗

[geoff]

Hello Zani, I feel so sorry this happened, if the marriage had ended in due respect even going through something you only wished didn't have been the situation, but this doesn't stop all the various types of pain associated with his decision.

It can always be so difficult being able to recover from a partner/spouse who has cheated on you, because that thought of trust and faithfulness will be something you can't 100 % forget about, not unless you have the help of a psych.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Broken -
Although I can understand giving him a chance and allowing him to recover etc I don't know how the trust could be rebuilt, it will certainly be challenging.
5 years is a significant time to be concealing and lying. I believe sex addiction is real and he needs help. Did you find out through him openly disclosing to you his misdeeds - or did you catch him out?
Although he is doing the right thing by getting help etc you have to put yourself first and honestly ask if you believe you can trust this man again.
People can change and the 12 steps is an amazing support group but there has been significant damage to your marriage with 5 years of infidelity. It's okay to be selfish and ask yourself if that is what you want for yourself... because it can harm self-esteem and basically feel horrible, as you know, to be cheated on...
I'd be taking some space from him one way or another - even just to get your thoughts clear. If you have a family member or friend you can stay with or be close to and get support from , that might help you process this understandably difficult time. Stay strong, you can get through this.