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Cheated On

Community Member

First time poster here.. Feeling vulnerable, alone, silly and hurt. Been married 11 years and together 17 years, and since the birth of our child in 2014 wife suffered depression, I was told that it was PPD, things have been coming out more in the past month or so that it is more than that. We have problems that I was not aware of, all stemming from communication to each other or perhaps a lack of communication. Wife felt she was not getting from me what she needed and found it with an old school buddy, behind my back and lies after lies to build it, I was not even slightly thinking it. We started to see a professional together but she would claim to need space and disappear over a weekend, to continue this affair. Leading to our last session, I asked if this was doing anything, will we get somewhere together, I was told she doesn't love me anymore, I asked a question of an affair not expecting the answer I got. She has answered every question I have asked and without going into the details it was very hurtful. I still have love for her, and am making a solid commitment to change to be the person she wants, if she will be willing to work on communication also. This is all very new and emotions are raw. The affair started in May 16, and I found out late June. Wife is on medication and I feel the balance is wrong and wife now agrees and is seeking help to correct (if needed) because her depression has worsened. The bloke she is seeing has a sting of broken relationships behind him and is engaged. Upon hearing I know, he has stopped communicating with wife for fear of his relationship. Seeing her hurt over this is breaking my heart, but I don't want her to leave. My head is messed up with these conflicting emotions. I want to salvage it, and move on. Wife doesn't know what she wants. IMO she has confused love and lust with this other guy, or at least that is my hope. Wife has flipped that she might work on us, is this because he flaked, or that I have made the commitment (and action) to not only hear but understand? She has constantly told me 'you are not handling this the way I expected' I am trying to be calm because I can see that communication lead us down this path. I am by no means a victim (I do feel that at times) and am trying to think logically through the issues. Thank you for letting me dump it here. I feel better for getting it out.

11 Replies 11

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi eagles.

Thankyou for the update.

Now you have clarity but it will hurt for some time so I thought id tell you my post period after separation from my wife to see if it helps.

It was a dark time

A week prior to me leaving I devised a plan to end my life (gee glad I turned it around to keep fathering my kids). Then I left. Her emotional abuse had taken its toll.

My grief period of mainly losing my full time fatherhood lasted about 8 weeks. Then an opportunity arose. At a smaller country town nearby a block of land came up for sale. I bought it. Then spent 3 months clearing it. Imagine, fire for my tea and eggs.

Then I dreamed of building my own home. I bought a kit home and did just that.

Frankly I was so busy making a new life I didn't have time for thoughts about ...what could have been.

There are positives wherever negatives lie. You have clarity if your situation. That's gold.

Now. Meet with your wife in a calm manner. Tell her your son deserves for you both to implement some basic rules.

That neither of you criticise the other in front of your child

That custody and visitations be friendly, flexible and open with communication.

And any other things you can think about.

It was unfortunate that my first wife would not work together with me as I'd hoped. I'd arrange a meeting in a cafe to chat about our kids, she'd stand me up but wouldn't ring me. A waste if 90 minutes travel and waiting. Contempt!! Disrespect.

So try that and if you can get agreement like this remind her that such flexibility will allow both of you a social life not bound by strict visiting legal schedules.

So, find ways to keep busy.

Seek a new life, a new direction

Work with your ex not against her

Allow her to remain in denial its a common human trait

Give yourself time to recover.


..it isn't your fault

Tony WK

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hi Eagles, firstly I know what Tony has achieved and what he has has done to get his life back on track and I again congratulate him, but with your wife who could have lied about not seeing this guy even though it was still going on, certainly doesn't make her a good companion now, because if this relationship ends she will only be looking to start another one, that's her thrills, that's her big mistake and that's not how a married couple should live, marriage is a union between two people and not an excuse to have an affair, and once that happens to me the marriage is over.
Sure you may still love her, like I still love my ex, but trust has gone and once it's gone I'm never sure it can ever be returned.
You can try to get trust back into her but the person who has strayed away is the person who has to get you to trust her again, and not the other way around.
I still remember the good times my ex and I had, they will stay with me for as long as I want them to, just as they can for you.
What your wife and this other chap have done is destroy your marriage and once his spouse finds out their marriage/partnership will also end in tatters, and eventually their union will also end, and I certainly not even considering you get back together, that would be a big mistake, so you have to set up times when you can see your son, and once he's old enough he will learn the reason why you broke up, and to fair to him he has to know. Geoff.