Camping Anyone!!!!

[BeFree08]

Hello to you and thanks for reading. As they say "if you put enough pressure on anything it will explode", today - that is me.  Firstly, I am reaching out. No secret, just had enough of second guessing and really would like to start and commit to the journey of healing. Today is my first day of a ten day leave from work, I have worked overtime and backfilled to achieve this.  I am not excited but sad, I am not happy but hateful.  I learnt today the penny that had been going around and around finally dropped, and feel so p#@$ed off I didn't discover this website earlier to avoid the loss of my 13 y.o. son (who chose to live with is father), the loss of my energy, time, love, good intentions, integrity and every other virtue stealthily  taken from me, right from under my nose and without permission.  Today I recognise this monster (of 4 years) who "loves me", who claims "I am the most important thing in his life, ever" is actually real, a real monster.  Today is the day I start to heal - I can't use the word forgive, and won't, as this disguised torture is not forgiveable, when intended. Today I should be packing my gear to go on my kayaking and camping trip with "monster" and my dog. I bought the 2 bedroom tent (he recommended) last weekend off Gumtree,  as "we will have a great adventure", I got excited about that, I already have the ocean kayak, (mothballed because of his golf), I located a pet friendly campsite, that I paid for in full, in short - I committed to this adventure.  The erection of the tent is a two man job, the ocean kayak is a two seater, his ute is required to cart the kayak, he was needed to make this adventure happen!  So instead of packing my gear for my adventure I read a text message this morning "I don't feel welcomed so I think I will stay at home", attached was a picture of a gift he bought and had thrown in the bin.  Again, sigh, I asked what is going on, his reply, "you brought it on yourself, you always do".  I have lost count how many times I almost got a gift, or a I almost got a card, or I almost got my dream property, we (I paid half) actually did get that but he moved his horrible old mother in instead, against my advice - she is toxic, she makes an excellent troll of the gate though, very good for security.  For my 50th in December he waved my card in front of me, I still have not received it.  Looking for my kind generous happy self of old, how do I move forward? Any clues gratefully accepted.  Already 2nd guessing.

[Pixiedustaway]

Hi BeFree08,

It sounds like you're dealing with a lot at the moment. Your relationship seems very unequal. You shouldn't have to hate gifted etc held over you like that. Do you want to stay in this relationship? If so it might be a good idea to get in contact with a counsellor that you can see together. If you are at a point where you're ready to walk away (which from the sounds of it you might be) do you have friends or family who can support you during this time? I think you should use your time off to spend time with yourself and work out where your head is away with regards to the relationship. 

Good luck x

[BeFree08]

Dear Pixie,  Firstly, thank you for reading and replying.  

I think your advice is great advice.  I am just about to mow the lawn and to see if I can tackle this monolith of a tent by myself.  It is a very cruel relationship that confuses and hurts without warning nor provoking.  My advice to "me" would be - what are you doing?????  You are fabulous and positive and independent with great friends etc.

My dear friend who works within the medical system laughs that I am the one in therapy,  it should be them she says....... I have my last session on Monday coming.  I will miss therapy as she has become a great source of advice on where to travel.  She wrote me a script to stop the white noise at Christmas - go and do Yoga in Bali!!! I hope to inspire others through posting to believe in themselves - all it took for me was to write about yet again another let down or manipulation and to have some one (your good self) to reply to realise - it's time......... thanks again Pixiedustaway's.  Love and light. x

[white knight]

Hi BeFree08 welcome

Life is full of regrets but regrets are made up of past decisions and that cant change so it isn't productive kicking yourself.

About your child. My daughters were 7 and 4yo when the marriage broke down. I had them every fortnight and holidays. I paid all child support plus extra etc. Then on day out of the blue my eldest then 12yo asked "can I live with you dad"? "Yes" I said but....to make sure your are certain about the move you have to wait until the end of the holidays (6 weeks) and if you still want to then you can. That was the longest 6 weeks of her life she told me. It wasn't that her mother did much wrong it was that my daughters chemistry with her father was much stronger.

Sadly, two years later, because she left her mothers home, her mother stopped wanting to see our daughter and gradually that relationship dissolved. My now wife of 5 years is now her step mum and has previously been her favourite Auntie because she was my ex brother in laws wife. So she is a good mum figure. I've tried to get my daughter to reach out to her birth mum- nope, no intention.

"the loss of my 13 y.o. son (who chose to live with is father), " so I read this sentence and it seems clear your son 'CHOSE' his future residence with his dad. He exercised his right to join his dad. His dad is an equal person as a parent. Your son has choices and rights. The best thing you can do is take up the role your ex husband had for years, to be the non custodial parent and make your son happy by having him visit you as often as possible. If I have the story right.

Go camping. Who cares if the tent is half erected because there is only you to erect it. I wouldn't allow a partner to spoil my adventure and plans. It seems clear to me there is at least mild emotional abuse in your relationship and he make decisions without your input (eg his mum living with you). That seems manipulative and unacceptable. Be brave, move on and sun towards happiness ...into the sunlight. A good life awaits you.

Tony WK

[BeFree08]

Hello WK, thanks for the reply,  Time is your best friend or worst enemy - and I am thinking time will settle everything down.  Always I have understood the importance of children having a voice or a presence, having grown up in the era of 'children should be seen and not heard', and I respect and have honoured the choice for my pre-pubescent son to be with  a male figure at the stage of his life.  Like you, I now pay the child support etc etc which I don't begrudge as I could not provide the calm environment my child was entitled due to my chosen relationship and that bringing too much tension and stress into my home.  I have to take responsibility for that. I know my boy is being well cared for and like you, I believe a family is a unit not necessarily structured from biological parents but caring sensible adults who offer the advice and direction and love and all the other good things that are exciting about being alive with their curious young minds.  My door is always open for my son, until I am pushing up daisies.    I also hope that one day in the not too near future I find myself with a man who can be just that, that offers protection instead of me having to protect myself, my son, from the person that should be protecting us.  Like you say, life is full of regrets but I don't think we evolve in the right direction if we never have to face adversity.  And our past decision shapes our future ones, if we take the lessons away with us.  AND yes - I am prepared to sleep under a half erect tent.  Nothing a bit of Aerogard and nice red wine and good book won't fix.  For our children to grow with confidence and to be good adults we must first be one ourselves. I want nothing more than for the children that are sometimes caught in our cross fires to understand this is not OK and life does not have to be lived like this.  We have the human right to make choices and not everyone is going to like them but it is our 'right'!!  Have a lovely week-end and I thank you for listening/reading and replying.  Means a lot to me.  

[white knight]

Hi BeFree08

Your reply to my post was one of the most beautiful, fair, realistic and measured pieces or written work I've read. Stunning.

I suppose at 13yo your son only has a few short years before he has a license, a car and a girlfriend. Changes are going to occur soon. He will visit you.

My youngest daughter, her mind poisoned by her mother following my eldest daughter's decision to live with me walked up my driveway about 5 weeks ago. I hadn't seen her for a few years. I too have been through the wringer. At 16yo that daughter had a major back operation and when told I rang the hospital and my daughter refused to see me. Why? Because she has been brainwashed that I was evil. Sad, so sad. That same year I'd paid $15,000 towards her jaw and teeth operation (over and above child support). Money isn't love but it is commitment.

My daughter 5 weeks ago alarmed me. She had been told for years (she's now 23yo) that I only contributed a few hundred dollars towards her teeth. So, I showed her the receipts and she looked at me and said "can I have a hug". "Of course"...But the damage will likely last a lifetime because she left and wont give me her contact details. She isn't serious in wanting me in her life so life must keep going without her. And the doubting of my integrity and the elusiveness takes it toll on a honourable parent. Like you my door has always been open but when my daughter begins to treat me in a manner that borders abuse or at least hurt, time and time again and worse still mimmicks her grudge holding mother then its time to get on with life.

I've picked up on your positive and realistic attitude.

Hope things are ok with you and you are snug in your tent.

Tony WK