calming down my thoughts

[future_]

hi, i only write short messages because if its to long I lose my train of thought. but i need help with calming my thoughts i love my young adult daughter so much but i am disappointed in her aspirations of school and employment all she does is sit in her room and watch youtube this has dumbed her down so much. I look at her and feel so so sorry for her moving forward, this brings me to tears daily. please dont pass judgement on her i feel so so terrible even feeling this way about someone i gave birth too. xox

[Megzt84]

Hi Sam gc,

No judgement here at all. Could there be a reason why she tends to turn to youtube other than for entertainment?

Maybe this could be her way of keeping her mind off of other things?

Have you spoken to her about your concerns?

[geoff]

Hello Sam gc, that's certainly not the aim of the site to pass judgement because all of us have been in a similar situation so we understand and the reason why this maybe happening is that she could be feeling depressed which may cause her to lock herself away in her room.

Sometimes with depression, people don't have anybody to talk to, people disappear, but in this situation, it's where she has decided she doesn't want to talk but either way it's a cry out for help.

Depression will stall her in achieving what she may want to do, but she can't be blamed because that's exactly what this most insidious illness will do to anybody.

Can you encourage her to talk with the school counsellor, then maybe book an appointment with the doctor, and you can go with her if that's what she wants.

Another option is for her to contact Reachout, these people are trained but the important part is they wear casual clothes, not a suit and tie which at times maybe frightening and can talk with her wherever she feels comfortable.

Hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi sam gc

Our child doesn't suddenly stop being a part of us once we give birth, it's typically a lifetime connection of love and emotion. So, no need to feel bad about wanting the best for someone you're deeply connected to.

Wondering if the youtube addiction has been a long-term obsession which has gradually gotten worse over time or if it's more of a recent thing. Looking back, was there a stage in her life where your daughter started losing direction, such as with coming to the end of secondary school or was there a break-up with a partner for example? Can you pinpoint exactly when the unhealthy degree of youtube viewing started? Did it actually start at some low point in her life, possibly in relation to an event you're not aware of? Typically, we tend to become addicted to things because of the 'high' they give us, no matter how destructive they are. If the addiction relates to the only high we get in life, it can become the only thing we partake in.

Something else to keep in mind - if there is no MOTIVE for us to MOVE IT, we don't move. Discovering why a motive doesn't exist in your daughter's life will help you understand why she lacks motivation. Is she longing for positive constructive guidance (not harassment), because she doesn't possess it herself? Is she battling with chemistry in her head (depression has a serious impact on motivation)? Has she lost sight of who she is in this world and therefor who she aspires to be? A strong sense of identity equates to having a compass in navigating through life.

Yes, a lot of questions but I believe you will have to become a bit of a detective if you want to get to the bottom of things. We all do things for a reason, you just need to find out the reason behind your daughter's behaviour. As they say 'All behaviour is a form of communication'.

Take care or yourself sam gc

[future_]

Unfortunately she does not talk to me about anything I am told to go away or stop I don't need to talk all the time. We have tried counsellingand the school guideance coucellors and they say she is fine. It is not right what she is doing, she is becoming a young person who doesnt not know how to communicate with others. She doesnt want to live with me and her father will look after her although not properly as he struggles to look after himself she will only remain lazy please help me as i worry we will be homeless if i lose my job. She is sixteen and i need her to find a loving partner so he can look after her and give her a home and a family to call her own. I wish she was more loving like myself and cherish gratefully. please help.

[therising]

Hi sam gc

Reassuring to hear the counsellors say your daughter is fine and you can cross the challenges of mental illness off your list of issues. I know that doesn't help your distress and frustration but it's a good start on the path to reformation regarding your daughter.

My daughter turns 16 this year, so I can relate to the lazing issue. Teenagers love to laze around which is to be expected and okay to a degree. My daughter is up and out of the house like a flash if there's something to motivate her. And when it comes to input around the house, like chores or getting taxied around to friends' places or school, it all becomes about negotiation - in other words, you don't get something for nothing (that's the way the world works). I tell her if she wants a lift to work, she only gets one if she's in the car on time ready to leave for school throughout the week. She can have a messy bedroom on the condition the common areas of the house are free of her 'mess' (because they're areas everyone shares). I can be seen as a bit of a villain at times but I'll hang out and wait for her to thank me later in life. To sum it up, if you want to enjoy the benefits of teamwork then you act like a team member - If Mum is going to cook a meal for the whole team, what does the team do to help Mum?

Consequences are a thread that runs through the whole of society. Seeing the home front is a little micro-community, consequences are also a part of that community. Don't get me wrong, I'm far from perfect. I am a serious enabler at times when it comes to my kids but it's not only our kids that are a work in progress, it's a learning process for us too.

Try thinking up things to give your daughter a motive to move it. If she want to use the electricity that charges her laptop/computer, there's your chance to strike a reasonable deal. Remember, you may end up being seen as a villain but at least you'll be a motivating one.

Take care of yourself sam gc

[future_]

I have tried for years to get her to help me without to much of arguing it hasnt worked at all. people say i should not do anything for her but i dont think to wrongs dont make a right and it;s not teaching her. i am so tired all the time she treats me like a slave.

[future_]

Please help I am drowning in my thoughts of being homeless, everyone says dont worry about it until it happens just live your life but I am paraylsed with fear and trying not to show my duaghter so i dont scare her. i need god to send my journey in a direction of peace and secure with day to day livving. it's effecting my jobs. i feel my young adult has mental illness as well she says things and tells me she has told me but i dont rememeber and when i say something to question it she slightly changes the story. pelase help i am really struggling with day to day living and very very frightened of what is going to happen xoxo

[therising]

Hi sam gc

The stress for you sounds enormous as well as overwhelming. It can be rather terrifying when our fears in regard to the future cause us terrible anxiety.

Management is key, in successfully facing any challenge. Whether it comes down to managing anxiety, managing finances or managing our family, keep in mind that 'Control' is simply defined (in the dictionary) as 'Effective management'. No matter how massive a drama is, the outcome is often defined by how we manage to deal with that drama. And, no, often it doesn't help when people say 'Everything will be okay', for this statement alone does not give us any sort of management plan.

My mum always said that the one thing that helped her the most, in getting through the split from my father, was a budget. Problems with money was her greatest fear, so she sat down and worked out a detailed budget, which she stuck to as she adapted through this change in her life. She felt in control because she was constructively managing things. She was no longer left feeling helpless. By the way, the split was more than a couple of decades ago. She now relies solely on a pension yet does not worry about money because she still has her budget, after all this time. She is still managing. Her budget is her view into the future, in relation to what she can afford in this moment whilst still being able to save to cover the bills that come in in 6 months time.

If you don't currently have a financial plan or budget, is it possible to create one so you can see where you need to head. Is it also possible for you to consider creating a basic plan regarding a change of circumstance; if you do end up moving, you will have already given yourself a basic guide to follow. No matter what, there is always opportunity for us to plan. Centrelink can possibly be part of your back up plan, regarding hardship if things become super tough, financially.

Whenever I say to my kids 'What's the most important part of any plan?', they roll their eyes before responding with 'Flexibility!' The eye rolling is based on me often talking to them about the importance of management in life and them having confidence in their adaptability. Of course, we should be spontaneous but sometimes those solid stepping stones we place ahead of ourselves can offer us stability and guidance on a path that appears to be one of quicksand.

Take care of yourself sam gc and never forget that you do have the strength and ability to manage, no matter what.

[LavenderTea]

Hey sam gc,

It seems like there has been a lot of emotional support from the other forum members so I'm going to just move away from the emotional side of things and talk about some things related to adolescence.

A few weeks ago in class we were looking at general trends in personality and how they change from late childhood, through to adolescence, and into early adulthood. Here are some important facts that are typical for adolescents which might help you understand what is happening.

• Between the ages of 10-15, parents typically see a drop in work ethic, however this generally increases in late teens (around 19/20). This means that what you mentioned about your daughter not being motivated for school or work is totally normal, and it's likely not going to last forever
• In the early to mid teen years, teenagers generally become less agreeable - it could just be that the hormonal changes they're going through are making them more moody, a little bit more irritable, and less willing to listen to others (especially parents). Again, closer to the late teens/early 20's, this does change for the better.
• Typically around this age, teenagers also become less extroverted - this means that they're more likely going to want alone time, time to be by themselves, and sometimes it's necessary - so watching Youtube videos might also be a way of getting this time for herself. On that, I do just want to add that the whole Youtube thing is definitely generational. Younger populations like your daughter will spend a whole lot of time watching videos online and nothing else, but it doesn't mean they're not learning - there are some really informative things on there.

I know this doesn't help a whole lot if there are chores you want her to be helping with around the house but I'm hoping this will help you understand that there isn't necessarily anything wrong with your daughter, and that this is typical for a lot of teenagers. Being able to understand that might be able to help you communicate in different ways in order to get better responses out of her.

LT.