Boys toys

[white knight]

I've had my toys all my life. I'm 65yo. It hasnt changed. Around 80 cars since 17yo and 8 motorcycles. Model aircraft, sculpturing and the like. But, every woman I've had a relationship with has had either resentment, jealousy or dislike for my toys until now. My wife of 10 years loves our new slot car and train set combined.

A friend of mine has a project to restore a vintage car. He has nearly finished the project, that started before his wife of 6 years came on the scene. In their first year of living with each other she helped him store and categorise his spare parts (many). She dropped the odd hint that restoring a car "wasnt worth the effort". He explained to her that it was the journey, his passion and the end result that drove him towards his goal. She said "I'll let you have your car" !

About 3 months ago she upped the topic. He toiled finding the time to take her for picnics, movies and the like so she wouldnt feel abandoned. The time needed to commit to his project was exhaustive. I arrived for a cuppa one day and she openly asked me if I was in her position if I'd like to be marired to a mans 'project'. clearly there was tension. I suggested if you cant beat them join them. The car would likely get finished much quicker if she helped him. Then they can enjoy drives on Sundays to the beach. She immediately rejected the notion "I couldnt stand working on that thing".
If ever there were two sides to a story this is one of them.
Yesterday my mate visited me. He was depressed. He said his wife brings up his car project every time they discuss money, the shortness of it. He said "if I had never married her I would never have struggled emotionally like this and would have been happy to have my passion, now I want to burn the car". And "it's as if my wife has this burning desire to own me which means me not having my dream...because my dream should be her and her alone".
Men can be in love with a woman and have his toys as well. Men having toys (the word "toys" is so demeaning) is therapeutic, enjoyable and what they are good at.
Treading the fine line with this between them, I asked his wife if she had a passion of any type. "No" was the answer. She works part time and has lots of time to have one. She said if he didnt have the car she'd have the money to have a passion. I asked what that passion would be and her answer was "I dont know". mmmm

Is she possessive or should he have considered a womans needs before deciding to remarry?

Tony WK

[Juliet_84]

Not at all Tony, you raise such interesting thought-provoking points that I dont even mind that the it perhaps doesn’t bode so well for my situation 😂 Relationships have always confused me, so much seems to need to go right for them to work, compatible interests, friendship, the ability to peacefully coexist for many hours together, conflict resolution, shared vision for the future, energy levels/motivation and our belief system. I fear my partner and I may be victims of our parents to a degree - as I have mentioned previously, my mother was/is very controlling. But I would also consider her very lazy, she didn’t work at all, she stayed home on the lounge, rarely cooked, didn’t do much housework, and my dad seemed to do everything, dropped us at sport, did the groceries, everything. In contrast, my partner’s parents were quite traditional, his father went out to work and his mother stayed home and cooked l day, cleaned the house etc. She also doted on my partner a lot with food and praise, still does. In contrast my father was from a tough Irish family and while he was softer with us, we were raised that you don’t cry, you work until your back breaks and you do it without complaint. He showed us he loved us by being physical acts of service, being there, or making us things. So my partner and I seem to miss the mark with each other, I feel that I am showing my love by going out and working hard and doing things around the house without complaint to ease his burden. Whereas I think he doesn’t feel that he is being praised or doted on enough. I in turn find this need an unpleasant quality because I’ve been taught that you work hard without complaint. He also isn’t good with his hands so the acts of service that I am used to that show me I’m loved aren’t there.
Regarding laziness, I suspect you may be right. The only way I could see it working is with someone who doesn’t mind doing it all, a rare breed and you would have to ask what they are getting out of it, or perhaps someone else as equally as lazy who doesn’t care, but you do wonder what kind of shambles that would be. Surely these people function enough to scrape by but may not ever thrive?

[white knight]

In the older days laziness wasn't so common. People had their roles and reality was, everyone knew life was hard work. Now many know they can get by with not doing much at all. Computers haven't helped.

I have lifelong friends in their late 70's. He a retired carpenter and she always been the housewife. They have a huge shed where he spends hours each day building stuff. He's never washed a dish, cooked a meal, vacuumed. Recently he told me in front of his wife that housework isn't actually "work". That his "work" in his shed is work. So I quickly came up with a question "between the two, which one is more essential?". I was surprised he said his work was, as for decades it financed everything.

His wife sells crafts mainly dollies etc and a group gets together weekly. So I suggested he have a holiday. She can do her dollies with her group in the shed and he can have rest doing housework and cooking and don't forget the cupcakes.! How relaxing vacuuming is and think of the sunbaking while hanging clothes on the line. I wasn't amused as his wife's had two bouts of cancer on each occasion he moved in with relatives!

So it doesn't surprise me the extent of the problem. I've had 4 long term relationships incl 2 marriages all over 7 years long. My wife of 10 years and I knew each other for 25 years prior, I'd matched her with my ex BIL. I'm very convinced that assessing compatibility is so important prior to commitment. We tend to hope for love so much we either don't assess it enough or hope we can mould them later a little, a little a love and we are optimistic and dismissive of negativity.

Two lazy people are indeed compatible. They exist. Usually identified looking at their front lawn or porch, cobwebs and use by dates.

Hard work is in your family tree, with a similar ethic from a partner you both could move mountains. But to be fair we can only expect a small amount of effort/change from an incompatible partner. The question is: will that effort if it arrives, be sufficient and will it be permanent.

TonyWK

[Juliet_84]

Hi Tony,

I’m glad you put your friend in his place, it sounded like he needed it 🙂 I think that respecting our partner’s differences is part of the secret. The aware ness that just because you may not see value in your partner’s hobby doesn’t mean that it’s not there - if our partner loves it then that should be enough. Last time I checked, cooking meals was pretty essential!!

“Usually identified looking at their front lawn or porch, cobwebs and use by dates.” - oh that made me chuckle, so true.

“The question is: will that effort if it arrives, be sufficient and will it be permanent.” This is the question that I’ve been grappling with for some time. My partner seems to sense when my dissatisfaction gets very low and then makes some changes and shifts his attitude a bit. But it seems to slide back after a time. Part of the problem is also the housing affordability issue at the moment. It unfortunately makes it very difficult to leave unless you want to go back to being a renter, which is not an option with my pets. I also feel that I’ve worked too hard to get where I am to start over again trying to get back into the property market. I hope that stabilizes soon as I would hate for something like that to ever be a factor in my decision-making process.

[white knight]

Hi

"Start over again" (financially). Yeh that isn't easy to swallow. I've done that 3 times. In my case however it's never been a factor in my decision making. I simply haven't hot the tolerance to live with a person once I know she isn't compatible for whatever serious reason.

In Victoria pets can no longer be a factor in rental properties. Don't know about other states.

TonyWK