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Boyfriend always sides with his family, making me feel like I'm bad

Community Member
I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years. Every aspect of our relationship is great. He is king, loving, considerate,
etc etc UNTIL it comes to anything to do with his family. I recently left the family group chat because I made a light hearted joke and my boyfriend told me off, saying that it might offend his youngest sister. This sister has been the reason for a lot of tension between him and I, because this sister is a drama queen and quite immature. So, after he told me off for making a joke, that by the way, didn't offend her, I decided to remove myself from the group. I don't want to be treated like that again.
We're now talking about Christmas dinner with his family, and he says we shouldn't make the biscuits we were planning on making because the family have made all these other desserts. I say that I hope there's some actual dinner food (because I can't eat many sweets due to stomach discomfort) He shoots back and says yes there will be dinner stuff there, and not to make a big fuss about it. I never make a fuss in front of his family, but his telling me that I'm making drama for them when I don't feel that I am, makes me feel horrid. I just want to crawl up into a ball and cry. It also makes me question myself as well. I am really that much of an awful person?
That's the latest that has happened, but so many times in the past we've had similar situations like this happen.
Please give me some advice as to what to do. I feel like I'm the enemy 😭
2 Replies 2

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion
Hi, welcome

There is a saying- "blood is thicker than water" it means of course is that when it comes to blood family everyone else is an outsider.

So bearing this in mind it is far better to "take a back seat" and allow them to be the family they've always been. It is, sadly, more a case for you to fit into their mould than them accepting you.

A good example of this is his younger "drama" sister. In her eyes you could be the girl that's taken her brother away. Simply avoiding her is what you have to do unless you befriend her which means making an effort to ask her questions about her school, hobbies, friends.

I met a lady once that had a 14yo son that wouldn't speak to me. I took along a donut machine and asked him to help make donuts. Within a few days we were friends.

Quite often a guy will dump a girl if she fights him or family members.... best to tame the dragon than get burned by the flames.


Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Stuckinmud,

Welcome back to the forums.

You have faithfully stuck by your boyfriend for many years and realise the power balance that exists within his family. I feel your boyfriend should be the initiator of supporting your need to be accepted - presently, you are being treated as the outsider and not as significant in the context of your relationship.

There are deeper issues residing with your boyfriend's reluctance to step out on his own as he acquiesces to the will of his parents in preference to independence. Without being disrespectful to his family, you should be the centre of his attention - making biscuits is a gesture and a thoughtful contribution to proceedings but it seems there are perceived threatening overtones from your involvement which could upset the hierarchy. I would encourage you to add your personal touch and see how the family respond.

Symbolically, it could be a major breakthrough as you step into the family circle if only for this special occasion.

Remember the spirit of Christmas is kindness, acceptance and putting differences aside - you deserve to be accepted by the family and revered by your boyfriend (at least once a year?).