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Boderline Personality Disorder Relationship Breakdown

DylanS
Community Member

Hi All,

About 5 months ago my BPD partner ended our relationship. I have contacted her twice via text since then but got no response from the last one. I am wondering if I should continue to try to reach out to her or stop. I don't want to distress her but I do miss and think about her a lot and can't seem to get over her.

Is it likely that I am upsetting her by messaging more than anything else? I don't want her to think she isn't loveable and important but if at this point I am completely devalued would my messages have more of a negative than positive impact?

7 Replies 7

Ggrand
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello a Dylan,

sorry it's taken so long for you to get a response, it's no reflection at all on you or your problem, some times when it's really busy here posts move back very quickly..

Welcome to Beyond Blue Forums here you will meet kind caring and non judgmental people with their own mental health struggles that are wanting to help you..

Dylan, I don't struggle with BPD, but just my thoughts, your partner ended the relationship and if I'm reading right ignoring your offers of help..

If I was in your position I would sent her a message saying things like I still do care, but no pressure and want to help you if you need my help please get in touch with me 24/7 and I'll be there for you...and then wait until she contacts you...These are just my thoughts.

Others will call in and offer you their suggestions as well..

I don't know your partner but I think if your partner left maybe she needs time out..

i hope I helped a little.. good luck.. Your post will be bumped up to the front page, hopefully someone will pop in and give you some more advice who has some insight into BPD..

Kind thoughts,

Grandy

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Dylan,

For me, whether I wanted to be contacted again would all depend on why the relationship ended - did you ex explain why she ended it or spoke to you beforehand? Were there any signs leading up to the break-up, were you fighting etc?

DylanS
Community Member

Hi Juliet_84,

Thanks for your response. Things were very intense for the weeks beforehand and I guess yes, we were fighting more. She said that it was 'too much' and that her anxiety spiked every time I messaged or phoned. Other than that I didn't really get anything more than it was too overwhelming and intense and she couldn't have any regular contact with me anymore.

One of the hardest things to cope with is understanding why I am now not important at all and she now doesn't care about me. I understand I can't know what it feels like to experience things the way she does but it just seems like she has moved on and doesn't even think about me.

I know that all of that is a really selfish attitude but it is how I feel.

DylanS
Community Member

Thanks Grandy,

I appreciate your welcome and good wishes.

james1
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hey DylanS,

I'm sorry about the break up.

It sounds like you are really struggling with it right now.

I think your ex has given you a pretty clear indication of how she felt before the break up. It may be a surprise to you, and you may even feel confused about why she felt that way. There's a good chance it wasn't even caused by you.

I have been in therapy for BPD and I can very much relate to what your gf said about feeling super on edge whenever my gf messages or calls out of the blue. We have had fights in the past and they got worse and worse because as soon as we had one fight, my anxiety around that situation (calls) just spiked. We broke up a few times and had a make-or-break point which we thankfully got through. But I can certainly say I never thought we'd make it.

So from what your ex is saying, the relationship wasn't healthy for her. It may not be your fault at all, but sometimes we lose things out of no fault of our own.

I think the more you push, the harder it is for her to work out what she needs, and if she needs you. She needs time - a lot of it - to work on her anxiety. And even having you around, from my experience, can be making that harder.

I'm really sorry if I've put it very bluntly. It's just that I know that overwhelming anxiety when I used to see my phone buzz, and equally I know that horrible feeling of just being discarded seemingly out of nowhere (my 4 year relationship went down the toilet in one arvo).

I hope you can take some time to hang out with some friends and try to distract yourself as much as possible. You probably didn't do anything wrong, it's just very hard to be in a relationship, and it sounds like the anxiety made things even harder.

James

DylanS
Community Member

Hi James,

Thank you for that. I really appreciate your forthrightness. Your message has helped a great deal. I feel so sad at the loss of her but I can understand what you are saying. Perhaps I just needed to hear it from outside of the relationship to be able to really process it.

I will try and take your advice and engage with some friends and other activities.

Thanks again.

james1
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hey Dylan,

I hear you. Losing a relationship is really just the pits and days can really drag on afterwards when you aren't in contact with the person you love anymore.

I found comfort though when I remembered that, while it was a different kind of relationship, my friendships must've been bloody strong for them to stick around and support me when I was down.

Anyway, just wishing you the best and do let us know how you go. We're here if you want to just chat.

James