Bipolar and Infidelity while I was 16 weeks pregnant

[Bec2017]

Hello all,

I met my partner 2.5 years ago. I was 32, he was 39. We had both recently come out of marriages. A few dates into the relationship he said he was bipolar but that he was on meds and it was under control. After about a year since meeting, he advised his Psychiatrist had misdiagnosed him with Bipolar type 2 and that he did not have the condition and stopped his meds.

Fast forward 2 blissful years and I am now 18 weeks pregnant. However, about 5 weeks ago he was struggling to balance work and study and unable to sleep (he's FIFO too), he went for a lengthy period without sleeping and erratic behaviour, crazy spending, change in personality, irritability/ anger soon followed, he developed the need to run 10km each day on holiday, he divulged private relationship information to my family and painted me in such a terrible way. He was also inappropriate to a friend of mine.

Then a couple of weeks ago we had a terrible argument and I asked him to leave and he stayed at a hotel. A couple of days later I had a strange desire to check his phone...well, a message he had sent indicated there had been people back to the hotel room and I knew immediately, something was wrong....2.5 days later of his intense denying and going to great lengths to collude with the guy he sent the text to, I finally pieced together that he had bumped into an old work mate at a bar and what followed was a sleazy night and 2 girls being brought back to the room (20 year olds) and he had sex with one of them. He is now is a Psych clinic for the past week.

I know now, he is bipolar type 1 and has been in the midst of a manic episode for over 5 weeks now. He is still manic, he does not have any empathy or understanding of how hurt i am and the position he has put us in. I am now terrified to have this baby (currently in counselling over this) and he has agreed to intensive couples counselling, personal counselling (CBT) and has just started medication. The illness is one thing, but the cheating and lying is another...the Psychiatrist seems to think there may be some personality disorder traits too.

I am scared of the future with him and wonder would i be saving myself a life of pain if i end this relationship and terminate the pregnancy (please no judgement). I am trying to think of the best future for my 5 year old child and myself (not his biological child). I have also since found out that his second marriage ended as he cheated too.

[Croix]

Dear Bec2017~
I'd like to welcome you here to the Forum and also say how sorry I am that you are in this situation. It must have come as an awful shock to you to see such a set of rapidly escalating symptoms and behavior. I can well understand you dilemma.

I think, if you have not already done so, you need to get proper medical advice on your partner's diagnosis, current condition, likelihood of short term improvement and also most importantly long term stability. Making any decision without this would seem next to impossible.

Frankly I don't know how anyone could separate the illness from the behavior on an emotional level and I guess that is your big problem. You have had two good years and are sufficiently in love to start a child. Those are very powerful incentives to stay.

On the other hand he has voluntarily gone off his medication, had a previous relationship that ended unhappily for whatever reason, and broken many rules relating to caring behavior and trust.

There is no guarantee that this episode is the worst that can happen, there are many possibilities unfortunately.

In relation to termination I've no message whatsoever to give, as I understand matters from a medical point of view your window of opportunity is limited and this time-factor will put extra pressure on you.

I can only speak for myself, as someone who had been blessed with two great marriages.

As far as I can see each party has to love the other, want to look after them, want to support them, and trust them. This of course is a two way street with a certainty that the person will receive all those things in return.

You have already had one marriage and no doubt that will have colored your views on trust.

So what do you think? Do you think you and your 5 year old are able to continue live in the relationship and can cope with the possibility of future similar episodes, assuming you can get back together? Do you think the depth of your love (both yours and his) will sustain you in the future?

I mentioned pressure on you before, Do you have anyone you can talk with, parent, other family or friend? Even if they have no suggestions it can help to feel less alone and to set your thoughts in order.

Please feel welcome enough here to talk as much as you would like.

Croix

[Blue_Jane]

Hi Bec2017

Thank you for taking the time to share what is going on with you. I hope you find some of our messages helpful.

I am so sorry to hear what is going on with you. What a huge and difficult few weeks you have had. Even so you sound very balanced and thoughtful on your options.

As you say, the illness is one thing, but the cheating and lying is another thing.

The point you made about no judgement - totally get that. Only you can make the call on what is best for you, your child, your partner and maybe your future baby.

I am so glad to hear that you are seeing a professional to work through everything that is going on.

Do you have any family or friends you can speak to?

What about exercise and diet - I am sure that you are not thinking about these things but it might help you see things more clearly?

What is the psych ward saying about your partner? Are you seeing him regularly?

Blue Jane

[Bec2017]

Hi Blue Jane,

Thanks for your message...I've decided to keep the baby. The mental anguish for me to terminate at 18 weeks was just too much.

My partner is currently being treated and possibly will be released this week. He is keen to continue the relationship and is adamant that the night of infidelity was due to his manic episode and would not have happened in his "normal" state of mind. He's committed to taking a new type of medication and at this stage, I have asked him to lease a place of his own. I think distance and time apart (ceasing phone contact too) is needed at this point.

It's also been recently revealed that he was unfaithful in his past marriage (during his last manic episode) and I guess, for me, I feel this need to protect myself and my daughter and unborn child from any further trauma, lies, cheating etc.

I guess i'd just like to know how may people would agree mania can be a significant contributing factor towards cheating? and how much could it have been his crappy character...i'm starting to think I'll never know which is hard...:-(

[GemAndLogan]

Hi Bec,

So glad to hear you and your partner are getting the help and support you need and that you are communicating. Definitely a good place to start.

I had a very similar experience with my ex partner.

He was an ice addict, which is definitely different from bipolar disorder however my perspective was the same as yours.

His behaviour became so erratic that it scared me. He was literally acting like he had gone completely mad and for me, it came on so suddenly that I had no idea what was happening.

Among other horrible things, he cheated on me and lied about it, his infidelity was only uncovered when I went to my gp for a routine check up and it turned out he'd given me an STI. I was absolutely disgusted and mortified.

Still, despite this, I wanted to try and help him through his addiction. I told myself that he never would of done those things if he wasn't on ice, I told myself he needed support and if he could stop using, he'd be fine and we'd go back to the way things were.

He started counselling and NA but after 3 relapses which included more lies, the stress started to toll on me and my health. Even when he wasn't using, he was still an addict and he wouldn't really address the underlying issues of why he was using.

I tried everything and stayed with him for 6 months after the cheating was uncovered but I simply couldn't move on.

The trust was gone and it wasn't coming back.

Leaving was very hard but it was the best thing I ever did. It was also necessary because things were never going to get better with us so staying would have been unfair to me and to him

I always tell people to trust their gut when they need to make a decision like this, if it really feels like staying and supporting your partner is right then definitely give it that chance.

I really hope everything works out for you, your kids and your partner no matter what you decide.

All the best

Gem

[Croix]

Dear Bec~

I think you are very wise in asking him to get another place and to stop phone contact for a bit. At least it gives you a breathing space.

You asked about an episode vs character causing his infidelity. I don't know anyone that can answer that in the way you might like. You are very much having to decide without enough facts to make the decision easy.

I guess if it was me I'd have to consider what was the worst that might happen. Well, that could be an uneventful life in which he never has another episode, the down side you might be always wondering if here was going to be one, then again after long enough trust and confidence might return.

Alternatively he may have one or more similar episodes and you would be faced with how to deal with them at that time rather than now.

The best of course is that he earns your trust over time, you get back together and live uneventful lives.

All I can do is wish you the wisdom you need, it's a horrible situation to be in

Croix