Being lied to

[Chocolate_brownies89]

Hello everyone im after some advice

Im being lied to and decived on a daily basis

He is smoking weed and thinks that I dont no and has been for a long while

We have had issues with this in the past as he would become agro at me when he couldn't afford enough to meet his addiction

Because of the anger I told him I choose not to go out with someone who smokes weed and that he is welcome to continue and I will leave

He stopped for a long while but has started again and now I want to leave

The thing with this time is because he is feeling guilty (he has no idea i know)

He is actually helping around the house sometimes actually looking after the kids sometimes and when he isn't nice to me he comes back and says sorry

Which i know is because when I catch him smoking he wants to be like see its ok im haven't been treating you like shit

This is all stuff he doesn't usually do

But I know its only a matter of time before he does actually become super agro and at that point I will leave but the waiting is driving me crazy as I no its coming and the being lied to daily is really affecting my mental health

My other issues is the kids

I dont trust him to have to kids alone on access for to long due to his anger

And this is partly why im still here and waiting for the kids to grow up a bit more

Anyway thanks for reading

Im just looking for advice and what would you do?

[Sophie_M]

Welcome and thank you for sharing your story. We are so sorry to hear about what you have gone through with your partner. We are really grateful that you were brave enough to reach out to the forums this evening as we know this can be difficult to do for the first time. If you feel that it would be beneficial for you to talk through your feelings and experiences of your partner acting aggressively towards yourself and your children with a counsellor, we encourage you to contact 1800RESPECT. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to people in your situation. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or https://www.1800respect.org.au/  If ever you feel unsafe, please contact triple zero and ask for the police.
 
Hopefully a few of our welcoming community members will pop by to welcome you and offer some words of support and advice. We hope that you can find some comfort in the forums and please feel free to keep us updated here on your thread throughout your journey.

Warm regards,

Sophie M

[Chocolate_brownies89]

Thankyou for your reply

I will check that out when I am able to be alone 😃

[casisempathetic]

I really appreciate that you understand the addiction side of this, its his battle and you don't deserve his anger, do what you feel is best as a parent, from what you've said so far I think you've really got your head screwed on right, and as a person who was formerly in a similar situation as a child with my parents I really appreciate how objective and thoughtful you are

You can do this!, you're super valid for feeling frustrated with his lying ❤️

[Mellissa23]

I'm in a kind of similar situation, although my husband isn't suffering from an addiction I can't relate to that, but can relate to the not telling you the truth about things,

I think if they can hide stuff like smoking weed their shouldn't be any lies or doing things behide your back in any relationship.

I Totally also get the kids part, my little boy loves his dad and for me to leave will break his heart hence why I'm still trying to be in my marriage.

If I didn't have kids it would be alot easier to make descions about my marriage. Sounds like it would for you too.

I hope you can get some peace and come to a descion of what you can do! No one deserves to feel wlhurt, betrayed and trapped!

[Chocolate_brownies89]

Just thought I would post an update

Well tomorrow is leaving day

Im super nervous about it but also looking forward to what the future may hold 😃

I plan to try and keep it as civil as possible and am doing while kids are at school

The anxiety is pretty intense with a belly upset caused by it hopefully that will subside once its done with

[Juliet_84]

Hi Chocolate brownies,

Welcome to the forums and I’m sorry you’re going through this. It must be so demoralizing to be trying to create a life with someone when they seems focused on tearing things down. Let alone the constant lying and feeling of betrayal. Reading your post, I get the feeling that you may have already made up your mind somewhere inside but perhaps need a bit more time to get to the point of leaving. He may be helping you with the kids or fulfilling his obligations otherwise but the reality is that he is still lying to you and being dishonest about his smoking. The biggest issue here is that you don’t trust him. You don’t owe him a debt of gratitude because he isn’t treating you like shit currently, that is the bear minimum. And you also don’t need a reason to leave him that he agrees with, you can just leave, whenever you want. But if you want to stay and see whether things improve then that’s also ok. You will get to a point where you know when you’ve had enough.

[Chocolate_brownies89]

Thankyou for your reply

Im definitely at the point ive had enough

And ive started the process now and my axiety has reduced so much I can even eat now 😃

The process so far isn't going great but I guess it will need time

The part I struggle with is he has complete trust in me because he knows I won't ever do anything against him but I know I can never trust him again as we have been in this position many times before and were agreed that this was the last shot at making thing work ever and it worked for a long while until the lying started again =(

So I feel things are so unfair why don't I get to have that sort of trust in the person i had given my heart to

It feels good to have someone to share these thoughts and struggles with

And especially an outsider so that I dont cause any ill judgement on him as we are all humans and makes mistakes and deserve forgiveness

Im just sad that I wont ever be able to move past my distrust after repeatedly going thru this over and over

[Juliet_84]

Hi chocolate brownies,

I’m glad you’ve found this forum helpful, like you say, it can be nice to get your feelings out in an anonymous and non-judgmental space. “The part I struggle with is he has complete trust in me because he knows I won't ever do anything against him but I know I can never trust him again” - it’s so true, so many people expect things or take things for granted about their partner that they themselves don’t provide. My ex was paranoid, controlling and extremely jealous, over the years he learned to trust me, but I found him to be an inherently untrustworthy person. Everybody wants a partner they can trust, but not everyone has the strength of character to be that for someone else. I’m glad that your anxiety has reduced. I found the same thing when I left my ex, it actually felt better than the turmoil of the relationship. You deserve to be with someone who puts in the same amount of effort as you.

[HT2323]

Hi, I think that the situation you are in would be a really tough one because it feels as though he's making an effort when really trying tto continue the behaviour by distracting you with other things. It's not a very nice thing to do and truly disrespectful to you, the mother of his kids. I would probably have the same feelings as you with regards to not trusting him, I've had family members who I would never trust with my son due to the fact they used marijuana and other things I wasn't aware of. It's difficult because leaving and becoming independent is easier said than done, and sometimes it's hard to find people around you to help because they don't understand. My relative went through the exact same thing qith her partner and children, I'm sure different details but the same exact problem and outcome.

I hope all goes well for you. It's my opinion that you personally would be better off with out him so you can focus on yourself. I understand that's not always the route people want to take because they love their partner and want them to change or to work it out. It's completely up to you and whatever you decide will be the right decision even if it feels like the wrong one.... I feel like I spend most of my time regretting every decision I make (not as difficult as this decision) so I understand that this wouldn't be easy for you.

I hope all works out for you and your family x