Attention seeking boyfriend, help

anonymous8038 · ‎26-07-2019

My long term boyfriend has problems with other women. It started with him wanting to be with and chasing another taken girl while we were together, he ended that after her boyfriend found out.

He has always gotten secret attention from other girls on social media, like Snapchat and dms on facebook and Instagram. He has stopped now because I told him that he can have the attention from them, but he can’t have me as well.

Now it is more in person. He always tries to make eye contact with girls to get their attention and shows off a lot when there are other girls around. He acts super flirty. He doesn’t see it like that but many of my friends have commented on the fact that they’ve noticed it too and that he has flirted with them as well, they feel extremely uncomfortable about it.

He is still doing this to most girls that he sees, whether I am with him or not. My self esteem is at the lowest it’s ever been and I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m not good enough. How do I help him? How do I help myself? What should I do in this situation? Please help

any advice would be really appreciated

EmPTSD · ‎26-07-2019

Firstly, welcome to the forums... 🙂

Secondly, in regards to what you need to do...you must always do what is right for you! What is happening is clearly not working so something needs to change, but exactly what this something IS is up to the individual... Your self esteem is something only you can be in charge of. You cant let others dictate how you feel about yourself. I know it's an easy thing to say and one of the hardest things to do, but for the sake of you, it's a necessity.

For situations like yours, you will only get people's own opinions, which you need to take with a grain of salt, as what fits for one does not fit for all...

I'm 27. I only just came to the realisation that there were some people in my life who were not people who bought out the best in me. Some of these were "friends", others were family. And little by little, I have amended my friendship list, and cut those people from my life. I realised it was not my job to make others happy if they did not ever repay the favour.

You are in control of you. No one else. To me, it sounds like your boyfriend deserves someone more on his level, which you appear to be well above.

If nothing else, please remember this one sentence. You can never change a person if they don't want to be changed. Yes people can change, but only when they want to...

Good luck! You deserve to be happy...so go outthere and get it. You're the only one that can make you happy, no one else 🙂

therising · ‎26-07-2019

Welcome anonymous8038

I feel for you so much with all that you're going through. Such a situation would be enough to challenge just about anyone's self-esteem.

What I'm left wondering is how your boyfriend's self-esteem is, really, deep down. He sounds like he craves attention to the point of self-destruction. Typically, a person with high-self esteem doesn't seek attention, unless it's for some greater good (in service to all). A person with healthy self-esteem will more than likely be living consciously/thoughtfully and purposefully. They will have great integrity and display evidence of self-responsibility. They will accept them self, as opposed to seeking a sense of personal value through attention from others. They will assert them self confidently and carefully, not arrogantly.

If your boyfriend doesn't have any issues with self-esteem then I would imagine he's narcissistic, which is a whole different kettle of fish, so to speak. If this is the case, then he's not the guy for you. You need someone caring and more thoughtful, for we evolve through mutual love, not one sided love.

So, if it's a self-esteem issue your boyfriend's facing then this is something you can try addressing. If it's pure narcissism, it's best to end things now, for your own sake (he's probably not going to change in a hurry). Either way, if the flirting is going to continue, your boyfriend is simply no gentleman. You deserve a guy who's invested in inspiring you to evolve into your full potential, as you would do with him. You don't deserve to live your life waiting for someone to realise how valuable you truly are. You are deeply valuable.

Those who reflect the truth in regard to our value are typically the most beautiful, enlightening soulful mirrors (those who are a pure joy to be around). Others are often reflecting their own issues and we must try our hardest not to take this to heart.

Take care

EmPTSD · ‎07-08-2019

Just checking in how everything has been going this last week 🙂

Hang10 · ‎08-08-2019

Hi anonymous 8038

Welcome to Beyond Blue,

Lovely nice posts from both EmPTSD and The Rising,

I can see how much you love him in your post. Wondering eyes are a bit of a problem, he may be testing the waters or looking at his next opportunity. Maybe to gain some insight his past might help, how has his other relationships ended was their cheating etc.

You don’t need to be in a competition to be with him. No one is worth making you feel like you got to complete with other women to be with him. This would not help your self esteem at all which is at very low levels.

Trust is important in any relationship and this has been a big issue in yours.

It hard, but he needs to support you better, You know in yourself in time if things will get better or not. His action may speed up that process.

Be kind to yourself. Take care.

All the best

Hang10.

paddyanne · ‎08-08-2019

Hi anonymous. Is your bf doing this flirting etc, while sober. I ask this because my fist bf (he's long passed) had a serious alcohol problem. He would openly flirt and encourage other girls to flirt back, he slowly became addicted to this hurtful game and it seemed to increase when he drank (which was often). Perhaps it's time to take a step back and look at how you feel about this. Asking him how he would feel is pointless because he won't respond. I get the feeling he isn't ready to commit to one girl, he is still playing and won't settle till he is ready. You deserve someone who feels as you do. I know it's hurtful and soul destroying for you, but the longer you remain with him, the more hurt and betrayed you are going to feel. If you try to pin him down, his response could hurt more. He's playing a dangerous game and you don't need to be part of it.