At the crossroads

[James_A]

Hi,

I am lost. Dont know where my life is going and dont know how it got to this. I am 48 years old and married to a wonderful woman with a 3 year old son who is the love of my life.

After being married for almost 9 years, my wife told me in October (6 months ago ) that she thought we should separate. Although I was shattered to hear this I wasn't surprised. Our marriage has been ordinary at best and we live like flatmates. Sex has been non existent and we haven't slept in the same bed for 3 and half years. Since our son came along my wife has been sleeping with him.

We dont have much in common and never really did when I think about it. We have been to counseling several times even prior to getting married when I look back we probably should not have got married as it has never been joyful. We bicker and disagree on many things and have different values on many things.

We have decided to give counseling another try and just had our first of a few sessions last week. Going back to when my wife told me that she wanted out last year, it was really hard to hear as I feared for the effect on my son and my fear of being alone. She did agree to at least give counseling another tried but thinks that it will be highly unlikely that we will turn it around.

To make things mure more difficult and clouded, my sister got married last week and she asked my ex girlfriend from 17 years ago to be the celebrant as they have stayed in touch ( i hadn't kept in touch at all however I always thought about her but tried to put it out of my mind) My wife knew about my past relationship and we managed to get through the wedding. We did put on our fake happy couple act as we always do

At the wedding I spoke with my ex alone on several occasions including a bbq at my sister's place the next day that my wife didnt want to go to. Whenever we spoke we instantly connected & left off as if 17 years didn't not pass. We did have a bad breakup that broke my heart and if I'm honest with myself I never got over it. (It was my fault(. She is married with kids but has confided in me that her marriage is rocky.

With this I have realised that I still miss her deeply and often think what could've been. This has also made me own that my current marriage is wrong and that hanging around for the sake of our son is not fair on anyone. I am not sure what may happen with my ex but I do know that my wife isn't the person I am supposed to be with.

I am clouded and dont know what to do.

James A

[White_Rose]

Dear James

Hello and welcome to the forum. Glad you found your way here.

You are in a bit of a dilemma at the moment. Separating from your wife is your current problem. Getting together again with your ex is a different issue. I know you have not said this but I feel your ex has put your marriage in a different light. Please be careful not to make your rekindled interest in your ex the reason for separating from your wife.

It is tempting to think you can get back together with the ex. I gather neither of you has suggested this which is good. It may well be you will pick up your relationship but this is for the future. Today's job is to sort out what you and your wife are going to do.

Counselling sounds good. Please give it your best shot. You said, I am not sure what may happen with my ex but I do know that my wife isn't the person I am supposed to be with. That's good to know but one last try will be worthwhile to confirm any decision you and your wife make. We bicker and disagree on many things and have different values on many things. Do you know why this happens? I see you believe you have different values but this is not necessarily a bad thing. However I do not know what these values are and why they cause such disagreement.

Please continue to write in here. I hope we can support you.

Mary

[James_A]

Thanks for your reply Mary.

I do have to admit that seeing my ex has made my give more serious thought to our relationship and it has pointed out to me that I am not happy. The only happy deep love relationship I had was with my ex but I assumed afterwards that the ship sailed and to convince myself that I will be happy with what I have.

I am however sensible enough to realise that seeing her should not have any impact on sorting out my marriage and relationship.

My wife and I are amicable and respectful of each other but there is nothing there and hasn't been for a long long time. I hope that counseling gives us a pathway but I fear that the end result isn't good without being negative.

This may sound selfish but I want to be happy. I want love, sex and happiness with a partner and I cant help but think of my ex now whenever I think of these things.

As I mentioned my wife and I don't have much in common except really for loving our beautiful son. We dont share any common interests at all we have different ideas on raising our boy, domestic responsibilities and what levels of communication we need.

I have never been one to talk but I have finally spoken to my mate about this which has been great.

Thanks,

J

[White_Rose]

Hello James

I am sad that your marriage appears to be ending. It does happen and everyone needs to accept this parting of the ways. It's good to be able to confide in a friend who can help and support you at this time.

I do not think it selfish to want happiness, it is after all a universal desire. It depends on how you get there. It sounds as though both you and your wife are agreed to go your separate ways. Time to start the parting process and hopefully have good arrangements for the care of your son.

I hope all goes well for you. If you find it helps to post here please continue. I will be here and also others.

Mary