Arguing all the time :(
making a lot of problems in my relationship, we've been together almost 3 years
and I've been dealing with depression for a very long time. Three months ago it
started to become really bad and my depression just started getting worse. we
fight constantly and I feel like I always say the wrong things then it just
goes from there. I'm extremely jealous and always think that he'll leave me
because how I am, I have low self esteem and no confidence . it's sometimes hard to talk because I don't
want to say the wrong things. I just started to see a psychologist, I am
against taking medication for it but right now it seems like it's the only way.
I feel like I just keep pushing him away even though he's trying to help.
I can't cope with the arguing and I don't think he can either. When will it
stop? I just want to get my life back on track. I want us to be OK again, but
where do I start?
Hi Izze, welcome
People have different views to medications.
I havevthe view that mental illness isnt our fault and sometimes we need a helping hand, just like an old person needs a hand crossing the road.
So now that I've fine tuned my meds life is still fragile but great! It is soooo good I'll never go off meds. On this topic please google
Topic: success!!! 53 years of hell now 5 years of contentment- beyondblue
Once you become more relaxed and less depressed by introducing meds, relaxation techniques and lifestyle changes your mood will dip to a more easy going one. Add a touch if understanding from your partner and all might improve at home.
Other threads you can google
Topic: forgiveness and forgetting- the two f's for love- beyondblue
Topic: confidence, how do you get it?- beyondblue
Topic: who cares for the carer?- beyondblue
when I first decided to make a change and stop arguing all the time, I chose to change my approach to disagreement. Like many people, I used to enter into an argument from the perspective of "I am right until you prove me wrong," and then proceed to counter all of your points as being wrong.
Now days, I enter into disagreement from the perspective of "you are right, until you show me that you are wrong" This change in starting position means that I openly listen to what the other person has to say, and I have to closely pay attention in order to find that chink in their armor. And when I don't find one, then I know that I was wrong.
Breathing before speaking helps too.
Hope this helps
Yes, I agree with SB there, a different approach is good.
Another thing to try. Realise that during an argument if you broke off the argument then 30 minutes later you are calmer and think differently. Feelings like regret for raising your voice, realise you might be wrong or over reactive, sad because you hurt your partner with name calling etc. This leads me to a promise my wife and I started 7 years ago and we still do it.
When tempers rise and you've argued one person usually storms away from the immediate area...to a bedroom or the shed.
The rules are
1/ No one drives
2/ No one leaves the property
3/ Neither person follows each other....let them walk away.
4/ Allow at least 20 minutes fuming time
5/ The first person to want to approach the other does so by asking them if they want a coffee.
6/ If the other accepts then fine, have your drink and try to express regret, fault, offer apologies etc. or just talk
7/ If the person approached refuses the offer (they might not be ready) that's ok. Then it is up to that person to, when ready, approach the first person to offer the same off...a cup of coffee. And the same situation begins.
8/ If an argument starts again the process starts again.
The beauty of this plan is that if you were approached and refused then it feels a little embarrassing to have to reapproach the person that had the guts to approach in the first place. Soon you don't refuse the first persons offer.
Give it a try. It works for use.
When the two of you argue, is there ever a winner, you may think that you are correct, just as your partner thinks he's right, but does anyone win, not really, all it does is build up a defence wall and nothing is achieved.
If you have a very much loved pet, say a puppy, do you accept that it needs a tablet for worms, heart worms and an annual injection for protection against all those nasty diseases that are going around, yes, you make sure they are really looked after, so what's the difference between them and you needing to take medication for your depression.
You have to want to help yourself before any help will start to work, maybe that's what your partner is hoping for.
When you see your psychologist try and write down what you believe are the main issues, and then hand it over to them, this is a great way for a discussion to begin.
Please let us know how you get on. Geoff.
It sounds as though you've been going through a particularly tough time during the last few months. Having dealt with depression since childhood, I understand it can cause havoc in maintaining stability in relationships. Tony, S.B. and Geoff have offered some excellent strategies to assist in diffusing situations which may escalate into arguments with your partner. It can become a vicious cycle: the more conflict, the worse you may feel about yourself and the more irritable you can become which in turn often leads to more conflict.
It's a very positive step that you have started seeing a psychologist. Hopefully you are at the stage where you can openly discuss the conflicts you are having with your partner. Your psychologist would be able to suggest further strategies to assist you to deal with conflict or feelings which lead to conflict before they escalate.
I completely understand you feeling hesitant in taking medication. I felt the same way when I started seeing a psychiatrist more than 20 years ago. I was concerned about the side-effects and there was a feeling that if I started taking medication, I was admitting there was really something "wrong" with me. My psychiatrist fully explained how anti-depressant medication worked, the potential side effects and the potential benefits. He also explained that it might take a period of time before I found the right anti-depressant for me. I was still hesitant but had felt so strung-out and wretched for so long I agreed. After trialling two different anti-depressant meds, I was fortunate to find one that had very few side effects.
It took about six weeks before the medication began to kick in and I began to feel positive changes, both emotionally (less negative thoughts, irritability, crying jags) and physically (fewer headaches and an increase in energy levels). The medication had a positive impact on me and allowed me to cope better with the "talking" aspect of therapy. I am still taking medication and am very thankful for the positive effect it has had.
You seem to be in a place where you might require an addition to the "talking therapy". If medication has been suggested by your therapist, I would take his or her advice and give it a try. For me, it was quite literally a lifesaver.
Please let us know how you go. So many of us have been where you are and we really do understand the hell depression can cause. Best wishes.