Anxiety after date, looking for advice

Andy_X7 · ‎28-07-2015

Hi everyone i'm Andy. I am on here to seek advice on something that i am becoming anxious about. Three weeks ago i met a girl and we have gone on two dates so far. We are almost identical people, even down to having the same interests. After the first date we instantly hit it off and it was like we had known each other for years, we spent the whole day together and i was sad to say goodbye at the end of the day. I was certain that this girl was a keeper however the second date was completely different, i just wasn't feeling the same and i couldn't understand why. We became very close on the second date which i was not entirely comfortable with at first. She expressed her interest in taking it slow which made me instantly relieved as i am still trying to overcome this anxiety and find out how i truly feel about her. However on the train home she asked for this to be exclusive and that her parents want to meet me and in her own words to grill me and sus me out. I instantly became anxious that this is going way to fast and now i am very distressed. I am scared i have a fear of commitment or getting close to someone which is something i don't want to have because i don't want to live my life alone which is my biggest fear. During the second date she also told me she has a disability which i am fine with as i am not the type of person to discriminate but i'm worried if that is playing into my anxiety subconsciously. She is a nice person and i could probably see my self with her in time however the thing i'm trying to figure out is weather i am feeling like this because i am anxious about the whole commitment thing or because maybe she is not right for me, but because i have alot of anxiety in my life i tend to overthink things and be overcritical of my self. I don't want to hurt this girl and it's not fair for me to blow hot and cold with her while i figure out how i feel, that's why i'm asking for advice or anything that might ease my anxiety about the situation. Is this doubt and anxiety normal when being asked to be exclusive on a second date? I still hardly know her despite these two great dates. There is this lingering doubt in my head saying what if i'm committing too fast and the girl for me is still out there, it's very distressing because i want to be with someone and i'm scared this anxiety will lead me to spending my life alone. Please feel free to give it to me straight if i'm being silly i would rather that then some telling me what i want to hear.

white knight · ‎29-07-2015

Hi Andy, welcome

Well opinions are subjective so I'll give you mine. You are likely to lose this girl.

Her parents are being parents. They like to know what kind of guy their daughter is dating. Simple, maybe a little early but they are being cautious and caring for the child they brought up. They are not causing you to be more committed. Neither is your girl.

You hit it off really well and you don't want to be alone all your life. So isn't it reasonable for someone that likes you to take that step of introducing you to her parents? I think it is. Pity many other parents don't give that kind of care.

I'd visit her home, break the ice with her parents and after a few more dates if things are still going really well start to set a small plan. This should be about the time when you are falling in love. Remind her that you want to date for a good amount of time before commitment. If she asks how long that is then you could hint a timeframe "maybe a year or so" for example.

I've had friends in the past that were in love and all was fine but their timeframes were out of synch with their girlfriends timeframe and they ended.

Your anxiety will drop over time the more you take her out. But, in my opinion, severe anxiety (which is from your own mind) could cause harm to your relationship. Go with the flow and enjoy your time with her. When you feel comfortable be honest and tell her you are nervous/anxious. Get past it together.

I haven't mentioned her "disability" because it is totally irrelevant whatever it is. And tell her so.

Tony WK

Andy_X7 · ‎29-07-2015

Hi, thanks for the advice. You make some great points and i will take them on board for sure. I think i will keep pressing ahead one step at a time and see where it goes and talk to her about it.

I appreciate the help thanks.

romantic_thi3f · ‎29-07-2015

Hi Andy_X7,

Thanks for reaching out to BB.

I'm sorry that you're going through this anxiety, and nope you're not being silly. In fact, I think it's actually really good that you've recognised this anxiety now rather than later and also recognised it as anxiety (which in itself can be a really hard thing to do).

Personally I think that it's way too early to be meeting her parents at only the second date and I think that based on what you've said in your post that this could be why you're feeling anxious. You mentioned that the first date went well but it was only on the second date this stuff started to come up about being exclusive and meeting the parents. That's a pretty big step.

I would encourage you to tell your date how you feel and that meeting her parents so early makes you feel a little bit nervous (as it would with anybody really). Could you suggest meeting them a little bit later? Taking it slowly really seems like the best move here; there's no reason to rush into any relationship and by taking it small steps it can help give you a chance to see whether you still like her and there's still the same spark that you had when you first met her. Just because you might not meet her parents yet doesn't mean that you won't necessarily meet them at all - it just helps take that pressure away from you both and focuses on you guys having fun and getting to know each other.

One step at a time. Just grab coffee.

🙂

Andy_X7 · ‎29-07-2015

Hi, thanks for giving me your advice it has been very helpful for me and i see things a bit more clearly now. I would prefer to just go out and have fun and enjoy the dates without the extra pressure of committing too soon after all i have only just met her and it usually takes me a little while to get comfortable with someone. That's why the whole meet my parents and being exclusive so soon threw me off a bit. I am definitely going to ask if we can just take it easy first and if it feels right then go from there. Thankyou for your help i appreciate it alot.

oceanentity · ‎02-08-2015

Hi. I think it's very fair you are feeling this way. Meeting someone's parents after 2 dates is way to much pressure. And nothing to do with fear of commitment. You need to express exactly that to her. Just tell her you don't meet someone's parents this early on ? Set the pace. It's ok to communicate that.