Angry Husband

[MakeLemonade]

Hi. New to the forum - sorry for the long post. My husband was made redundant from long term employment 3 years ago and has been in and out of casual employment and angry at the world ever since. He has refused to seek counselling and has gradually gotten worse and worse,it feels like our children and I are constantly on edge when he is at home - he is always yelling and swearing at us (calling all of us horrid names) and no matter how tidy I try to keep the house he manages to find something that I haven’t done right. I have supported him through everything that has happened and even sought counselling myself at one point however, the criticism has escalated lately to personal attacks on my appearance - he seems to get a real kick out of pointing out what he perceives to be my physical flaws that he describes as repulsive and disgusting (the more I do not react to the comments, the worse they become - he has even started pointing out things he believes to be flaws in our children’s appearances). I cannot understand these attacks as I was raised to believe if you had nothing nice to say then don’t say anything - why intentionally hurt someone else? He has isolated himself and us from his family and has tried his best to isolate us from my family. He has become obsessed with the gym, going for several hours every afternoon and spending time with a crowd that are 10-15 yrs younger - I almost feel as though he resents our family for stopping him from living the carefree lives these younger people have. I work part time and am also responsible for all household chores and take care of our 2x children on my own - he refuses to help with them. I don’t know what to do anymore I am tired of the constant battle and sick of the anger!

[White_Rose]

Dear MakeLemonade

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your story. This has been a hard road for you to travel. What you are experiencing is domestic violence. This does not only apply to physical violence but to verbal, emotional and sexual violence. In your case it is verbal and emotional violence and is not acceptable.

I think you have been very brave and caring to manage the situation for so long and I suspect it is this forbearance that angers your husband. His latest attacks on you and your children seem designed to make you react and be angry so he can claim it is you who is causing the problem. I feel this has been the case all along but he is now stepping up the attacks.

He may not consciously realise what he is doing but if you reacted angrily I think you would find a difference person. To me this is not acceptable. I left my husband 20 years ago because of his bullying but my children were grown up and left home so I had only myself to think about. My suggestion is to continue to stay calm even though it causes you a great deal of emotional pain. Please give him no reason to retaliate.

I also suggest you contact the Women's Legal Service in your state. They are able to refer you to a lawyer for one or two sessions to sort out any legal issues. I believe it would be to your advantage to have a clear picture of your rights.

Have you considered separating? I know this is a huge thing and you have children to consider. However I think you need to decide how far this situation can be allowed to go. A lawyer can tell you if you can ask him to move out of the family and if necessary get a restraining order. I know this sounds horrendous and something you would not have thought possible a few years ago, but it is happening and you need to be safe. This is the web site of Women's Legal Service Australia. http://www.wlsa.org.au/ Start there or go to the service in your state by putting Women's Legal Service and your state into the search engine.

Now he has started escalating his verbal attacks I worry they will turn into physical attacks. I do not want to alarm you but this is the frequent cycle of domestic violence. Please get some help with this. If everything turns out OK you will have lost nothing but I really worry about your future.

Please let us know how you are going.

Mary

[geoff]

Hello MakeLemonade, and a warm welcome to the forums.

I have read your comment and feel so sorry for what you have been going through and it's certainly unfair, I just wonder if I can reply back to you early in the morning, about 12.30 am or so, then I can concentrate on your comment.

I'm very sorry but please trust me, I will reply back to you.

Take care.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Soberlicious96]

Dear MakeLemonade,

Welcome to Beyond Blue, and well done for reaching out.

I am in agreement with White Rose, in that this is domestic violence, and no one has the right to treat anyone else with such disrespect, regardless of what the apparent trigger may have been.

I would encourage you to call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) and talk to them about what is going on, and what support options are available to you.

And of course you are welcome here anytime. Feel free to come back as to this thread as much and as often as you like. We're here for you and with you. Take care. I'll be thinking of you. xo

[geoff]

Hello MakeLemonade, it's not your fault that your husband has lost his job so he shouldn't be taking all of this out on you and the children by telling yourself that you’re not how he makes you feel and by being disrespectful isn't going to achieve anything, except make the situation worse.

When men start to express their feelings as emotional abuse then it's to distract themselves from getting the help they need or be in denial which is what I was suffering from, although I was quite.

Sometimes separation can make your husband decide to seek help but please look after yourself and the children.

Take care.

Geoff.