Hi everyone,
I am a newbee and want help to understand what's happening to me. I am so confused..
I have been in the relationship with him from last 11 years.
I loved him and showed it by action..for last 11 years I showed up physically, emotionally, mentally and financially. Feared if I have a baby I can't show up financially and cause fights. didn't speak to my parents, sister or friends in front of him as he would get mad. Served his mother in stroke as a humanity.. hardly could visit or stay with my family when I went back home even though we were from same city as he gave excuses to take care of his family or saying that your parents are judgemental etc.
During this time, when he would get angry he would get cruel with words, undermine me, my family.. after his mother had stroke he even hit me.. then showed remorse the next time saying he got angry as I kept fighting and blamed on his depression. I thought he needed support and didn't said nothing to no one.. He blamed me for not being able to conceive, blamed me for being fat, didn't show intimate emotional connection and concentrated on himslef, his hobbies his work..
On regular basis, I bought groceries, cleaned, cooked and kept track of all the paperwork related to household. When I got frustrated he said he bought dishwasher for me.. when I was sick or couldn't cook I ordered pizza for both.. and then he complained that he hated pizza or it wasn't nutritious.. at no point he made an effort to make simple sandwhixh for me even when I was sick.. and I just kept going on..
He also has been home from last 9months as he wasn't coping with some boss issues.. I had told him to quit as I knew if he gets frustrated he will get angry and I will suffer..
However, recently I got stood down due to covid-19 and I couldn't bear the behaviour.. and fights I distanced myself from him.. I felt undesired and loved and felt need for external appreciation. In this thought I ended up on porn site wanting to post my photos, never posted but deleted.. he found out as it got uploaded on google drive.. he embarrassed me further by showing it to my family.. I got more distanced.. I ended up telling my family first time how I felt.. It has been 7weeks.. in this time I also got infatuated to some random guy online which I never met which he found out about.. well now.. he says I am cheating on him.. I understand that I shouldn't have gone this way.. but I just don't know where to start from.. and what's wrong with me??
