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Am I being taken for a ride?

Community Member

I wanted to seek others’ views on what might be the best thing to do in a particular relationship scenario, or maybe you could give me some tips to assist my decision-making.

I met someone late last year. He was visiting my city from interstate (his family and he are from here but he has been interstate the last few years completing a uni degree for a career change). He had to return interstate shortly after, but before that things moved really quickly and we both wanted to keep in contact to resume things when he eventually returns in April.

It’s been so difficult for me having that distance, but we have maintained contact on and off. However he has been very focused on his assignments and exams and has not had much time for me. I understand this, because I have been through the same uni course 15 years ago. Nevertheless, it has been hard, not being able to decipher whether there is any hope for us and whether it is worth me waiting four months of my life for his return in the hope he might still want to keep things going. He has consistently told me he wants this but his actions towards me (very limited contact and basically making me feel like an afterthought) has made me wonder whether I have been wasting my time.

one thing in particular that bothered me is that he mentioned on the phone that he wanted to go on an overseas trip after uni to relax and he put it in such a way that made it sound like he meant ‘we’ should go. I though it was a little soon so kater sent him and idea for somewhere closer. He took ages to respond and when he did, he said it sounded too soon to suggest we go on a holiday together, along with an emoji of a person shrugging their shoulders. I was so shocked that he had turned that around as though I had been the one taking great silly leaps.

On Thursday he finished his exams and I thought I might hear from him but didn’t hear until Sat when I sent a message asking if he’s finished. He said yeah sorry, I’ve just been sleeping and relaxing. It really confirmed for me that i am an afterthought. I’ve not been clingly and have given him soace over the last four months as needed.

Is this guy wasting my time, or should I give him the benefit of the doubt and accept that he’s had uni stress?

But meanwhile it’s made me feel worse than not having anyone at all. He doesn’t seem to care for my wellbeing. Is he being unfair?

So sorry for the rant, but this has made me feel unappreciated and I’d welcome any perspectives.

17 Replies 17

Community Member

As I read it, my view is definitely that his interest has waned. However, I can only know what's been written. There may well be more to it, and perhaps he has been super-focused and he's not highly tech-savvy or into social media or messaging.

You say he is returning in April, so does that mean he will be back from University soon - unless he goes overseas?

I'd suggest - though easy for me to say, more difficult for you - is letting go here. What are the possibilities?

- he goes overseas by himself
- he comes back and he is keen on you
- he comes back and he's distant
- he doesn't come back for some other reason

I think the likelihood of you both going overseas is pretty remote.

So, of these options which can you control? I'd say none. So then, in your mind what's the best case scenario? What's the worst case scenario? What's the most likely scenario? For each scenario can you live through it? What's the worst that could happen to you?

I feel it would be helpful for you to passively see what he does when he's back, but actively move on. Find other friends and groups and activities to enjoy, and if he so happens to come back into your life so be it, but don't hang your hopes and expectations on it.

Many thanks for your honest perspectives. I appreciate the time you’ve taken to provide this information.

Best wishes.

I hope those thoughts are helpful, and I hope you are ok.

Take care.

Community Member

Hello Gelati 👋

I suggest letting him go. If he is truly interested let him make the connection again. It hurts so much when you feel an after thought, and you deserve so much more then that.

As easy as it is for me to say this I know how hard it is to do. Looking back I wish I had ended relationships I was in - I knew they weren't right but was holding onto the hope.

If he is truly interested he will contact you again, and if you have moved on you have moved on. (Maybe with someone better who appreciates you first, not as an afterthought)

I hope you find your way that suits you and brings peace to you.

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Gelati, a warm welcome to the forums.

I agree with DrRotten and Red Robin, if you love someone you would move heaven and earth to be with them, no if's and no but's, all you would want to do is be with them, but I don't see this happening with your friend.

He wanted to go o/s by himself and by doing this clearly indicates that you would do much better finding another person to love, someone you can trust, with honesty and respect and who adores you and who doesn't make promises that will never happen.

Please look after yourself.


Many thanks, DrRotten.

I am feeling ok - would rather not be in this situation but I will be ok 🙂

Again, I appreciate your comments

Thank you, Red Robin.

Honestly, that is the advice I think I would give someone else in my situation. And you’re right - it is easier said than done. Just after I had made plans to move on, he has again contacted me out of the blue. It’s emotionally exhausting.

I very much appreciate your honest advice. I think your suggestion may be wise.

Community Member

Dear Geoff. I think you’re right. I should be adored by someone and it’s a waste of my time to pursue someone for anything less. Thank you for this reminder to love myself. It’s just a matter of detaching myself from something I’ve invested a lot of time and emotion into so it might take me a little while...

Best wishes to you, and thank you so much.

Hi Gelati, thanks for your reply and very much appreciate your comments.