Am I being taken for a ride?

[Guest_342]

I wanted to seek others’ views on what might be the best thing to do in a particular relationship scenario, or maybe you could give me some tips to assist my decision-making.

I met someone late last year. He was visiting my city from interstate (his family and he are from here but he has been interstate the last few years completing a uni degree for a career change). He had to return interstate shortly after, but before that things moved really quickly and we both wanted to keep in contact to resume things when he eventually returns in April.

It’s been so difficult for me having that distance, but we have maintained contact on and off. However he has been very focused on his assignments and exams and has not had much time for me. I understand this, because I have been through the same uni course 15 years ago. Nevertheless, it has been hard, not being able to decipher whether there is any hope for us and whether it is worth me waiting four months of my life for his return in the hope he might still want to keep things going. He has consistently told me he wants this but his actions towards me (very limited contact and basically making me feel like an afterthought) has made me wonder whether I have been wasting my time.

one thing in particular that bothered me is that he mentioned on the phone that he wanted to go on an overseas trip after uni to relax and he put it in such a way that made it sound like he meant ‘we’ should go. I though it was a little soon so kater sent him and idea for somewhere closer. He took ages to respond and when he did, he said it sounded too soon to suggest we go on a holiday together, along with an emoji of a person shrugging their shoulders. I was so shocked that he had turned that around as though I had been the one taking great silly leaps.

On Thursday he finished his exams and I thought I might hear from him but didn’t hear until Sat when I sent a message asking if he’s finished. He said yeah sorry, I’ve just been sleeping and relaxing. It really confirmed for me that i am an afterthought. I’ve not been clingly and have given him soace over the last four months as needed.

Is this guy wasting my time, or should I give him the benefit of the doubt and accept that he’s had uni stress?

But meanwhile it’s made me feel worse than not having anyone at all. He doesn’t seem to care for my wellbeing. Is he being unfair?

So sorry for the rant, but this has made me feel unappreciated and I’d welcome any perspectives.

[White_Rose]

Hello Gelati

Your story is sad but not unusual. Not that it makes it any easier for you. I think the consensus of the replies is to say move on and I agree. Hard though it is I think you deserve better.

Initially you said he was returning in April. Well April has almost gone. Has he returned? I think that's your answer. To me he sounds quite manipulative, for example changing the details about going on holiday together. As you said, he knew full well it was his idea initially and to make it sound as though it was your suggestion rings alarm bells to me. It's also manipulative to be in contact just enough to keep you wondering and waiting. Not the actions of someone who wants to be with you and explore the possibility of deepening your relationship.

You are finding the whole thing emotionally exhausting and this will happen every time he contacts you and in between when you feel lonely and ignored. I suggest you contact him, phone, text, email, and say you would prefer he not contact you again. I know this sets off a whole can of worms but I think you will cope better by being the one to say goodbye instead of going through this will he, wont he.

You have got through this period with all its uncertainties and it will get better and easier once you have made a firm decision to send him on his way. Hard I know but if he really wants to be with you he will say so. Don't be fooled by his casual use of you.

Mary

[Guest_342]

Dear Mary.

Thank you so much for your response. I’ve never thought of it that way - that it is being manipulative. I actually did send a text the other day saying it might be best if we don’t continue things. But he responded saying nothing had changed for him and that he wants a relationship if I’ll have him. But still, the day he said he’d likely return home has come and gone and I still have no confirmation of a return date. So it seems likely that you are right about his manipulative behaviour. But my question is, what benefit does he get out of this behaviour?

Gelati.

[White_Rose]

Hello Gelati

It's often a power trip. He feels good about being able to manipulate you and any other people. I suspect he may have had an unhappy childhood and this behaviour makes him feel good. Sadly I met several men like this as well as many others who are wonderful. I wouldn't change my sons-in-law or my sons. Work colleagues have been great. Just a few who make a mess in other people's lives.

Having said all that I may well be wrong about the BF but he does sound as though he wants everything to work for his pleasure and is happy to keep you on a string until you are useful again. Sorry if that sounds unkind. I think he will say he still cares if he cannot see you in person immediately. When/if you do meet up again he will be very loving for a short time then go back to his old behaviours.

Oh dear, I do sound spiteful but it's not meant that way. I had a very traumatic experience with someone just like that. That makes me sound even worse, projecting one person's behaviour on another but it is similar. Fortunately, as I said above, I have met some wonderful men in my life. I cannot believe I was manipulated so easily and for such a long time. In retrospect it is all so plain. Enough about me.

Are you going to continue meeting etc with him? I hope you are not feeling so bad and missing him so much. It is hard to be apart from someone you care about and whether he is honest or not you are lonely. Please be careful.

Mary

[Guest_342]

Thank you, Mary. I appreciate your honesty. I have a suspicion that you may be correct about what this all means, but I am being cautiously optimistic just initially when he returns (he is returning tonight). I will give him one chance, as he doesn’t have the excuse of distance now, so it will be clearer to me if he’s being unfair.

Your feedback has been so valuable. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[Guest_342]

Hi Mary.

Just wanted to thank you again. You were spot on about his behaviour. Now that he has returned to Melbourne it is clear to me that the geographical distance was not the key issue. He continued with his subtle manipulative behaviour - which I was only able to identify people of your and the others’ kind and honest words.

I feel relieved to be out of that situation now 🙂

Best wishes x

[quirkywords]

gelati,

I have just read all this thread and thank you for all your feedback and letting us know how you are going.

At least you realised early in the relationship about his manipulative behaviour.

I am glad you are out of that situation. I was in a situation many years ago but I didn’t realise till a week after I was written a letter telling me he would visit for a weekend, I found out that he just got engaged!!

Quirky

I know sometimes we see things that aren’t there and make excuses because we really want things to work.

I wish you all the best and like that you have been open to learn new things about yourself and others.

[Guest_342]

Thanks so much, Quirky, and for sharing your own story.

I really appreciate the time you’ve taken to write.

Gelati

[Guest_3256]

Hi Gelati

I noticed that you had ended a 2.5 year engagement with your fiancé then stated seeing the person whom your mentioned in this post.

Do you mind if I ask how your new relationship is tracking and what happened?

🙂