My husband has been drinking alot and spends alot of money on his habit.
He often gets wasted and drinks until all hours of the morning which has recently gotten him into trouble.
We have two young children at home and I feel like all of the household duties fall onto me and I get very little help from him.
I have spoken to him dozens of times about how this is affecting us yet he just continues to do it.
I feel like it is selfish behaviour on his part with all the money being spent and the lack of time he spends with our family. I have been empathetic, tried to ask what is going on, told him I support him etc yet there is just no sign of changing.
I feel anxious, sad, stressed and tired. I dont know where to go from here.
Hello Cookie39, thanks for posting your comment and realise that it may not have easy posting it, but well done for doing so.
He is either as you say, an alcoholic and/or self medicating using it to hide the problems confronting him, which no one else knows about, or simply denying that he has any problem, however, what is happening are sufficient concerns, and I say this because I was in a similar situation.
Can I please get back to you, but try and stay strong, you have many people who will reply back to you, just as I will.
Sending caring thoughts your way as you try so hard to deal with this incredible challenge.
Wondering if you know why he drinks to this degree. Of course, a lot of people drink for a variety of reasons:
- They were raised as a kid to believe this is a normal and acceptable part of life
- They use alcohol as a relaxant or a form of stress relief
- They use it to change the way they think, if they're not happy. Personally, booze was my 'go to' to some degree during my years in depression. The problem with this is that it can lead to a much deeper sense of depression
- They can manage a couple of drinks after work each day, until such management is let go, leading to a significant increase in consumption
Whether he's experiencing one or all of the above, pinpointing the reason may give you greater insight into how changes can be made through guiding him. If this has happened only recently, the increase in consumption, can you think of an event or set of events that happened recently to perhaps trigger this change in him? A new job? An old job he's grown to despise? A rehash of a past event which has suddenly come up? Added financial stress that comes with a growing family and growing bills or even an increase in income that's providing the financial resources to drink more?
My own husband drinks to relax. He sees nothing wrong with half a dozen beers after work each day. As I mentioned to him 'You do realise that by choosing not to manage your life in natural ways, you're leading others to have to manage your alcohol'. I'm typically the driver if anyone needs to go anywhere in the evening. Our kids and myself have to choose which time of the day we have a conversation with him that we need him to remember. We have to strategically find ways to coax him out of relaxing in front of the tv with a beer at times because he loves doing this so much. Whilst he is a functional alcoholic who never misses a day of work and loves his family, we are left to manage the dysfunction.
Cookie, it's definitely tough for those who are left to manage. Whilst I'm not left managing to the extreme like you are, I can still relate to the disappointment. With us having once appointed our partner as someone we could rely upon to be fully present, the disappointment part comes with it's challenges when we find our partner no longer filling a role to the best of their ability.
See if you can pick up on why he's drinking excessively these days. There will be a reason for it.
Hello Cookie, I knew a chap who had to drink a slab of beer a night, 7 days a week, and he and his then wife were invited out to celebrate an occasion with other people, but all of this interfered with his daily plans which put him on edge.
When they got home later in the night he had to still drink his usual slab until early in the morning, they are not married any more.
As he will not listen to your logic, I would consider a separation but would like to hear back from you.