After almost 15 years of marriage and 2 amazing children I had a breakdown and pleaded for help only to be told my wife wants to seperate...

[TJ1624]

I have been married for almost 15 years to the women of my dreams, we have had our ups and downs and have always managed to get through anything we have faced, I genuinely adore my wife and would give up almost anything to be able to spend my life by her side but yesterday I hit a real low point which various factors contributed to, (stress at work, lack of sleep, viral issues over almost a month) and I was in a terrible mental state and in tears asked my wife for help, her reaction has really crippled me, she told me she wanted out of our relationship and that she has been angry at me for a long time and doesn't like the person she has become because of me.... I am far from perfect I know that for sure but I do adore my wife and try find ways each day to try to make hers better than the day before, i am a very active father and husband and do majority of the housework, taking kids to sport etc and have never begrudged my wife for this, like i said I adore her... I am so far beyond being lost, I really dont know how I move forward, I know I have to for my Beautiful Kids but just can't imagine a life where I dont get to hold my wife each day......

[geoff]

Hello TJ, I'm so sorry that no one has replied back to you, sometimes this happens when the site is busy, but may I welcome you.

No one is perfect and everyone has to be accepted for the little flaws we have, whether we have them from the beginning or whether we develop them over time.

If someone is suffering from depression of any kind and your partner/spouse can't cope with it at all, then that could be a reason why they decide to breakup the relationship, however, this only makes the person struggling with this illness become worse.

You do a lot of work around the house as well as looking after your children, but if she has made up her mind then none of this will mean anything to her.

There are a couple of issues I'd like to mention if that's alright, as you haven't been feeling OK I wonder whether your wife also has a mental illness which could be making her feel this way, I'm sorry.

Another option is for you to get medical help, starting with seeing your doctor, and then is it possible to separate, the reason for this is to stop any disagreements between you and your wife, thus healing yourself.

You can still see your kids in whatever time frame you and your wife agree upon.

Have a thought about how she has been behaving, this may then tell us if she is also suffering.

My apologies but we hear you and want to help you.

Geoff.

[TJ1624]

Hi Geoff,

Thank You for reaching out. I have no doubt that my wife is also suffering from some form of mental illness and that my own issues are contributors to this, I try so hard not to put my stress on her but she is all I really have n the world to lean on when I'm down, I have always been an incredibly unsocial person and as such dont really have and strong relationships aside from my wife and my mother who lives 1000km away and I also dont want her to feel any hurt of pain because of me. My kids are the reason I am still here to be honest, I know that I wouldnt have had the strength to get through this without having something bigger than myself to make it worth feeling this way.

One of the toughest parts of this whole situation is not the being on my own, it is that I love my wife with all that I am and without her I actually dont even know who I am, she has completely shaped the person I am, I dont know how to move froward....

[geoff]

Hi TJ, my heart goes out to you and I say this in all sincerity because it's no different to how I felt in my marriage, all I wanted was for my wife to give me a cuddle, it happened in the first part and a half but then lost interest.

In the end, our sons were old enough and had moved to Melbourne, they shocked by the divorce and selling our house, a property we had all believed to be with us for a long time.

Our situation is slightly different, not by much though, except that you are going through this now and that's what's disturbing for you.

I take the point that she is also suffering from some form of mental illness, so she also needs help, and can I gently say without meaning any harm at all, is that if you separate then she will hopefully get the help she needs.

It’s ok to not know what to do and it's possible if you just stay where you are, and try nothing new, then all you do is just stay stuck, nothing is going to change.

What I didn't do was make a decision before my wife did, that's what I should have done.

Geoff.

[TJ1624]

Hi Geoff,

thanks again for the reply, I appreciate you sharing you opinion and your story, this is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with and although I love my wife and dont want it to end, I do want the best for her, I do still believe that I could be that at some stage in the future but I need to deal with my own issues and give her the space she needs and like you said, hopefully she will also deal with hers and we can find that connection again as better people, I think I will always hold on to that hope but if it doesn't happen that way I just hope we can make the best of the situation for our kids who are still young and this is going to be incredibly hard for them. Thanks again for the replies, I appreciate it.

[Asenna]

Hi Geoff. I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your marriage. When you are suffering from depression, loss is exasperated 10 fold. Your situation sounds all too familiar. I too was in the almost exact situation as you. I too was married but only for 5 years to someone I adored. We too had our ups and downs and just as our marriage got back on track with the help of counselling I had a breakdown (clinical depression and bad anxiety). I knew that there and then that if didn’t get myself together our marriage was gone. I was diagnosed with trauma when it was in fact my clinical depression coming through once more. I desperately needed her as I was scared and vulnerable and also clingy. A year later she left when I was still quite down in depression. She too didn’t like the person she was when she was with me. She said she couldn’t grow any longer if she stayed with me. She said that the love that I needed from her in my despair was making her miserable and she couldn’t be in love with me at the same time be there for me. So she left and broke the family up. That was 3 and half years ago and I’ve struggled ever since. Taking a year off since feb this year has made me seek psychotherapy, a new more competent psychiatrist and new meds that fingers crossed will work.

Please do not do what I did. Seek help immediately and get your mental illness under control. It is one way back to your marriage. I didn’t till only just a month ago but it’s too late for me. She has moved on and been seeing someone for the last 9 months. Just writing that last part still rips me to pieces. Please please see someone. Rumination in depression is so so painful and exhausting. Its too late for me but not you.

Fab

[Asenna]

I sent a message to Geoff accidentally but it’s actually for you. Sorry

fab

[TJ1624]

Hi Asenna,

Thank you for the post, I have an appointment to get a referral for counselling, I know I have issues that need to be addressed, not only to salvage my marriage and make it successful but for my long term health and wellbeing, I need to be the best version of myself both for my wife and kids and also for me.

[geoff]

Hi TJ and Fab, once my wife left me before the divorce went through she moved down to Melbourne, 2 hours away and got attached to some chap much older than her, who had everything that she disliked in me, that's what I couldn't understand and that really hurt.

It was a few months until I decided to contact her because I still loved her and even till today we still speak to each other and occasionally see other at our granddaughters birthday, but we couldn't live together again.

Geoff.