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advise on dealing with nassasism

will_never_love_again
Community Member

I have made so many attempts to write my story which is so overwhelming.

asking for help on how to deal with breaking up with a nassasistic ex i dont know what to say or how to tell my story. 

basically he would try to win me back, sweet talk me, make me beleive he saw the error of his ways only to either create an arguement, be in a bad mood and snap and leave for up to a week or 2 at a time. 

ignore my messages, even though I should have got apologies i was saying sorry. I knew it was wrong byt my esteem has been shattered. 

just in past 2 weeks I stopped messaging for 4 days after messaging at least 4 times a day. as soon as i did he then text to say come for coffee, and to come get our sons pram he took back. I refused

 he offered to take the alarm out of my rental I'm moving out of a after I had text to ask him for 2 weeks to not reply. I say no, he won't take that for answer. 

so I agree. I feel like he only did these things to still keep the control. he said 4-6 for alarm he rocks uo at after 8 pm i try stay out of his way and he wants to feel sorry for me and hug me

 I think it's only to make himself feel better. 

the following day bc I again dont cope text him. he ignores it all, then knew I had got outfits previously for a function and when I had mentioned in a text I'd wear one he commented that he would be happy to give his opinion. 

that's when I realised

 he had no interest to reply to anything else but that? 

so I said no. basically that he couldn't care less and it's apparent he has found someone else so wouldnt care less if i moved on woth someone let alone see me in a dress. I stated I had been a complete fool

he didn't reply. 

following morning I got a text

 just so you know I am not seeing anyone and I'm getting annoyed you keep saying I am. I ignored it

 then later that night ask how our son is and if he sleeping I didnt want to reply bc he says that when he knows I think I have to reply. eventually I wrote he's good.

he wrote straight back did he have any probs going to sleep ? I know as soon as he knows I reply he then ignores everything again so I ignored it

haven't heard from him since

he has really messaged me up (cheated on me overseas when I was pregnant, lied, put me down, blamed me for all aspects about me tht ruined us when it was him

help

  

5 Replies 5

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi NLA, welcome to beyond blue forums

There is no mention form you about any relationship counselling? I think it would be wise to obtain some.

There is also no mention of any diagnosis of any mental illness he has.?

At one point in your post you have accused him of having an affair. He denied it back in a text. Then you said "I ignored it". I'm finding all of this texting to be rather bizarre.

You said "just in past 2 weeks I stopped messaging for 4 days after messaging at least 4 times a day. as soon as i did he then text to say come for coffee, and to come get our sons pram he took back. I refused"           Did he want to go for coffee because the texting was getting so ridiculous that he felt face to face was a better alternative?  I certainly would.

I'm not saying he isnt a narcissist. But it seems to me there are serious communication issues you should address. Even if you permanently separate there is a child involved and he needs his parents to communicate effectively.

But the way you have explained the texting, how he did this and you ignored it and how you didnt text for 4 days etc etc, it isnt a good way to carry out rectifying your problems. In fact I dont believe you can solve relationship issues like that at all.

Nothing beats face to face mature talking and counselling can help you with that. You can contact Relationship Australia as a first step.

Tony WK

Pixie15
Community Member

Hi will never love again,

I believe that I have responded to your earlier post and do not really think I can add to that. Although I agree with White Knight that you possibly could benefit from some relationship counselling.

There is another thread that I thought I would let you know about because it discussed narcissistic personality disorder. It is fairly easy to find under "Supporting Family and Friends" as it was last posted to on 04 Feb. The topic of the thread is "Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Victim Syndrome".

Sorry I could not be more helpful.

Grateful.

 

hello Grateful,

 

No, you have been a great help thank you for the mention of the other post. 

& actually your reply to me a few days ago I read many times, and to be honest it got me through a little better. just being able to talk was great. 

my response was so long because I was so overwhelmed so I left that post. 

I had many times over 18 months spoke of relationship counselling, he would tell me at first he refuses because if I am sad or upset it is my problem. therefore my problem to fix. (I was initially struggling g just with his secret overseas trip with single work mates to go overseas to sleep with prostitutes and bar girls) the other married men did not go. 

I found out when he came back. I was then 6 months pregnant. because I was a mess after that he didn't want to talk at all and just said can't we just forget it... i couldnt, so we broke up. 

once our son was born he lasted 24 hours without putting me down & verbally lashing out. 

I wish I could put everything but I can't.  

I badly wanted counselling and it wasn't until after he missed his own sons QST birthday dinner/cake, xmas eve & christmas and then 1st birthday party (big party but he didn't bother to help) it wasn't until he had to deal with his guilt that he came around crying. 

he wasn't crying for us, he was crying because he was coming down from his drugs and had a bad trip. 

he has no empathy for anyone. he uses plnd ays people against each other.

2 weeks ago at dinner table i was talking to his mum, she went to answer his question about something and boom  again mood swing as she answers he got angry, pointed his knife towards her plate and said alright! shut up and eat ya dinner. 

I have had a lot from him and have seen him lash out before but I was horrified. 

what type of man speaks to his mother like that. - just trying to explain how he can go from happy & loving one minute to abusive & controlling the next. 

 

Hi,

I wrote a reply to this post and I am not sure if I posted it or accidentally deleted it so if you find this is repeating something I wrote earlier please excuse me.

When I went to the doctor to seek help because I was becoming distressed dealing with my difficult partner she said very simply spend less time with him. This seems so obvious that I think it is something I could have decided for myself if I had been thinking clearly. I followed her advice and it did help and might help you too.

You can not really do anything to change your partner that is something he can only do for himself. You are not the cause of your partners difficult behavior, you can not change it and you can not control it for him. You need to look out for your own and your child's well-being.

There is a very good booklet on this site under the resources for women "Women and Separation" which you might find useful.

Grateful. 

 

 

 
 
HI Tony,
 
if i went into every detail like i have tried to do then it would be blocked from posting. 
as it was my post has been edited by moderators. 
 
So many times in the past I wanted relationship counselling, he would tell me everything is my problem to sort out
 
it was only after he walked out again on another occasion that he come back saying he really let us down after another chance over Christmas because he decided to go out and take a cocktail of drugs the day before and didnt get sleep because as he said "he lost all control". 
 
it was only after that he said he knew he has treated us terribly and should get counselling, he didn't. he went back to being verbally
abusive 2 days later. 
 
with all respect, I am here to get help and advise for me. I have spent the last 2 years of being made to feel this is all my fault, yet I have been raising 3 children with no support or assistance aside controlling and manipulation. 
 
he did not ask me for coffee to talk face to face. I was never allowed to talk to him in the relationship. if i was upset it was my fault if i were disapointed i expected too much if I was happy he thought I was cheating. 
 
his sister won't have anything to do with him because of his controlling and manipulating behavior. he left me to go overseas in secret when i was 5 months pregnant. 
 
I was too forgiving and loving and trying no matter how much I wanted things to work to not let this affect my kids. so much so that I am completely confused about who I now am. 
 
I don't think your post is very understanding and supportive at all. seems you were quick to judge without knowing despite me saying how hard this was.