Advice required please Anger and in-laws

[Tracella]

My partner often will get angry at and then when an argument ensures will involve his parents. The most recent one resulted in his parents sending me sms calling me a liar, “I make his son sick”, “grow up” etc... so fast forward I have blocked them and intend to have zero communication with them as I am trying to look after me mental health.
My partner is furious about this. Today his daughter (26) placed a DVO on him (no grounds) after he told her to butt out of an argument where he placed all my belongings on the verandah after an argument. He is blaming me and his parents are blaming me, they were on loud speaker and his mother said oh this could be all her doing (referring to me) and I said what (a little too loudly) and she went off at my partner and said “tell her to shut up this doesn’t involve her okay you shut up miss” my partner said no mum she has nothing to do with it she is sensitive that’s all. I feel like I have no support at all. He is still blaming me and still angry at me and has got all his clothes out of our closet like he is moving out but he won’t.
How do I make him see me as the good guy, see me as the partner who went with him to the police station, see me who has now also lost any friendship I had in his daughter. He is hurting yes but so am I.

[SarahZ]

Hello Tracella,

Welcome to the forums and thank you so much for reaching out. I'm so sorry to hear about the difficulties you are having with your in-laws and how this is impacting your relationship with your partner. It's also exceptionally saddening to hear about the strained friendship this is causing you to share with his daughter.

It sounds like your in-laws are giving you a really hard time and are not treating you nicely at all. It must also be really hard when you feel like your partner isn't defending you and giving you the support you wish and deserve. Aside from your partner, do you have a strong support system you can share these issues with? i.e., your parents, siblings, close friends? It's really important to feel supported especially when you find yourself in a relationship where you feel like you are constantly being blamed and targeted with anger. If you don't mind sharing, is you partner's anger with you always verbal anger or does he ever express it more non-verbal means as well?

It sounds like a super complex situation and I can't imagine the emotional toll it is taking on you. Just know you have a community here supporting you and listening to your story.

Please feel free to give an update whenever you feel up to it~

Wishing you the very best ~

[Croix]

Dear Tracella~

Welcome here where you will find many who have had similar problems with relationships.

I guess there are actually two problems. The first is what one should expect out of a long term partnership. There you have to feel there there is one person for you in this world -your partner. That you will be looked after, loved and cherished, not made feel insecure or unhappy. You of course have to feel exactly the same way about your partner too.

The second is that there should never be a time when threats to divorce or leaving are made - how can you have a stable relationship if one is always worrying about that? Similarly you never say anything that cannot be taken back and hurts deeply. As an example if my wife was overweight (actually she is not) then I would never call her fat. The hurt could linger for a lifetime.

OK, what has all this to do with it? Your partner would seem to be the one who is trying to live in two camps, and calls on parents when the going gets hard. They are nothing to do with it, he needs to work things out himself with you , not call in reinforcements.

The same applies to putting your possessions outside, or taking his. Those tend to be irrevocable statements of impermanence.

I was formally disinherited by my parents around 20 when I chose a person to marry a person they thought unsuitable. They actually, without meaning to do so, did me the greatest of favors. I had to stand on my own two feet, and learn to look after another -whom I loved.

I do not know how you can change your partner, perhaps his little boy behavior is too firmly embedded -you would know better than me. I also do not understand how you have lost his daughter's friendship, from your account she took the AVO out on him when he was treating her badly.

Maybe it is time you took a step back and look at the whole relationship you are in with fresh eyes.

Going though all this alone is very hard, is there anyone you can talk frankly with who cares and will give you support?

Croix