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A firm decision, need some pointers

Community Member
Hi all

I have made a firm decision. This is solely to do with a mother. I can't call her my mother as she was NEVER EVER a mother. A mother abused me horrifically from the age of six up until my age now. I am 40 years old. It probably started before that yet it's the earliest age I can remember from. I have only just begun therapy to deal with the madness and insanity my life has been and I cut all contact with her in December last year.

Some people say to me BUT she is your mother. Once someone says that I ignore them and walk away. The abuse was seen by people and they did nothing. Some even sided with her, courtesy of her deceit and lies. No one ever came to my aide. A mother made me her confidante, counsellor, spouse and parent. On-top of that there was psychological, emotional, physical and religious abuse. To add she systematically would turn people against me when there was not enough drama so she needed to create more. She was a cruel, vindictive, master manipulator.

I will not justify my decision or think it over. My decision is final. All I want to know is if anyone can help me with some info. Is it possible to hire a lawyer to get her to change her last will and testimony? I do not want a single thing from her upon her death. What I do want is not to be the executor of her will and be in charge of organising her funeral, paying off her debts and finalising everything to do with wherever she is living. I do not want to contact "family". I do not want ANY responsibility.

Years ago now when my mother spoke to me about it all and gave me her last will and testimony, I felt so sad talking about it all. However, I wanted to know so I could "fill what I thought was my duty to her" This is how brainwashed I had been by her. I didn't speak up about how I felt. I was scared there would be a fight or that I would cry and she wouldn't comfort me. I did not speak up about how I felt cause I thought that would make me so selfish. Typical of an abused child, young adult and adult. I feel differently in a lot of ways now.

It is once again her making me responsible for sorting everything out and expecting me to be more capable and independent. There was no talk/discussion. More this is what you will be doing.

I need to move on with my life.
6 Replies 6

Community Member
Just posting a reply to bump this up.

Community Member


I have some idea of what you are going through. My wife had a similar problem with her mother - it destroyed our marriage.

In regard to your mother's will, you have two options:

  1. Take the will to your lawyer and tell him that you wish to "Renounce Probate". You are under no obligation to take on the roll of an executor. You can do this even if you have agreed to take on the roll and have changed you mind.
  2. Do nothing.

I would suggest that option 2 (do nothing) may be your best option. I say this because your mother will probably change her will many times between now and her death. Her will is just another tool to control and manipulate you. It is just another way to keep you engaged in her twisted life; I've seen it before.

Keep in mind that option 1 will always be available to you . You can renounce probate at any time; even after her death. That being said, there are some conditions if you renounce after her death.

I would suggest that you get some legal advice just to confirm your options. It will only take 10 minutes with a lawyer; it's not a complicated matter.

She may be your mother but you have to protect yourself. A clean break is probably a good starting point on you road to recovery.

All the best.

Hi 2quik

I think Mr Paul has given you sound advice on how to handle the will situation and I wish you good luck with that.

I'm just popping in to tell you how sorry I am that your mother abused you so horribly. To suffer so much of your life, at the hands of someone who should have loved and protected you, is an unimaginable tragedy.

Yet, there was strength in your post. Resolve to put it behind you and move on. A willingness to put yourself first. Congratulations.

I hope that you will keep moving toward a better life. Take care of yourself and stay safe.

Kind thoughts to you

Hi Mr Paul,

I have thought about things a fair bit.

I will not do anything after her passing. As much as I don't care she does have the right to have all her wishes respected so it is only fair to advise her so she can appoint others. I don't care how she is going to feel about this. She never cared how I felt. I cannot have this responsibility. It's too much responsibility. I've been responsible for her my whole life. I'm done.

I will be getting advice from a lawyer. I will not deal with her directly. The last will and testament was done from a free will kit, so no lawyer involved. The mother never asked me my permission. I just got told and directed. I didn't think to say no. Why would I? This is what she had always done and the role I willingly played because no one told me it wasn't right.

Doing nothing means that she may or may not change her will. That is too much of a risk for me that I don't want to take.

I've decided when I feel better and stronger I will call legal aid and get some advice. I want it to be quick and easy. No stuffing around and long drawn out processes. I'm quite ill at the moment.

Thanks for responding and I'm sorry you have experienced what you have too.


Hi Summer Rose,

Thank you.

I appreciate your empathy in regards to my life. There are no fitting words to put my life into any context that would do the horror any justice.

If I was to pick someone to write my book it would be Stephen King or Bryce Courtenay.

To cut a long story short, the father and the sister I had, I was abused by too. The father for 24 years till I cut him off at 30, the sister for roughly 10 years until I cut her off along with the mother 5 months ago. I'm now 40. All three did it separately as well as joint.

I never saw it coming that one day all the family would be gone. I have no contact with extensions of either parents side. Totally cut off.

Although I am leaving it behind me and am going to move on I am in the early stages of acknowledging the horrific abuse and realising yes I was a victim of abuse. I am in therapy.

In saying that I am tired. The last 36 years have taken its toll on my mind and body. I got to stay away from the people that contributed to my serious mental health issues and my physical wellbeing. It's scary to think I will never get better. It's only been in the last five years that my body has started to not cope well. I'm doing everything I can.

Thank you again for the kindness. Have not had a lot of it in my life.



You sound like a son/daughter trying to do the right, responsible thing. Unfortunately that is the very tool your mother will use time and time again to drag you back into her twisted like. At the moment you are dealing with her will, later it will be something else; there will always be something else.

There is an old Chinese proverb, "A thousand mile journey starts with a step".

Wishing you all the best on your long journey.