6 year relationship, partner moved out without telling me

[Tranquillity_Please]

Hi all, (posted this in intro, but removed triggers to post here)

I’ve suffered general & social anxiety since before my teens, which lead to depression. At 43 I found out I have Aspergers, my wife wouldn’t accept this, I instigated our divorce in 2012. I found a new partner familiar with Autism (having 3 sons on the spectrum: 1 autistic, 1 aspie & 1 ADHD).

We were together for 6 years, living together for 4 years. Last Friday I returned from a work trip to find she had moved out, taking her children & belongings. It must have been planned months in advance, but I had no idea. We had our difficulties, but I thought that we had open communication, & we would work through them together. As I had done in my first marriage, I was open to counselling, & had been working with my psychologist for the past 6 months, right up until the Wednesday before.

In the very little she has communicated with me since leaving, she has told me we have to sell our house, our relationship is over, & she has already set herself up in a new house.This has ripped my heart out. But she also said she is losing her best friend, & hopes I can find it in my heart to still be friends with her. (?)

I have taken sick leave from work, & lost over 5kg in 7 days because I cannot eat more than a few bites. I have a constant feeling of dread, anxiety, nausea & misery. I have isolated myself from my family & have no friends close by. If I did I don’t think I’m ready to see them anyway. My only 2 close friends both live interstate.

My ex partner & I have started to talk about the financials. This has increased my dread & panic. I do not want to get ripped off, but I don’t want to upset her either - I still love her so so much. I eat next to nothing, sleep from 4-5pm till 10am-12pm, work on preparing the house for sale (on my own) for 3-4 hours, then go to bed again. Sleep seems the only way to get through hurting.

I’ve even looked into cuddle therapy, as I am a very tactile person, & used to cuddle my partner a lot.
I always gave her a kiss goodnight, when I left for work, & when I returned from work & told her I loved her 2-3 times a day.
I did the majority of the housework, organised our finances, shopped for groceries & planned most meals.
I also gave her space to socialise with her friends as often as she needed.

After my divorce, my ex wife said I was a catch. My ex partner wants to stay friends.

The pain of her abrupt and emphatic leaving has emotionally crippled and shattered me.

[Guest_1584]

Hi TP and sorry to put you through that reply , l hope going into it more didn't add to your stress and pain. Certainly get the kids for sure , single mothers have their ways with kids no doubt about that eh. But tbh , l'd still think much the same with her actions and tend to go with Jsua sorry but eh that's me, doesn't matter what some stranger that can't possibly know the whole picture thinks does it. lmo she still could've worked through this together though and also the selling of the house instead of hitting you with it all like that and causing you this horrible shock and pain in the way that she has , glad she's not on a pedestal and your ok with selling too. A new start maybe would be nice anyway eh. l couldn't keep our house after w split up either.

Glad your taking a pause anyway l get the keeping busy but personally it took me 15mths before l could look at all that myself and you could really use some time first. Although l def get the whole timing thing right now too and who knows where the market would be if you held off too long and mortgage issues. l actually planned on selling this place near end of yr myself too but now all this so l;m not sure which way to go and hoping the next few mths something becomes clearer. lt won't be ready before then.

rx

[BOC64]

Hi Tranquillity

I hope you do not mind some advice regarding your combined assets. Please do not rush into anything to do with finances as I did when my marriage ended. I was in an abusive relationship with my ex wife and pressured to finalise the distribution of assets. That occurred very quickly and certainly no longer than eight weeks. I now regret not taking time out and my lawyer council me to take my time, rethink things and not accept what I was being pressured into taking. I ended up with very little in the end but I just wanted to get away.

IMO you should make a clean cut as distressing as that maybe. I would have question her motivation to remain friends.

JC

[Tranquillity_Please]

Hi Sara, I’m still not eating properly, but I cooked some frozen peas and corn in the microwave for today’s meal. The weight loss has slowed, but I think that’s because I’m not working as hard physically right now.

Today my ex partner asked me if her relative could stay over for a couple of weeks. I agreed but made some stipulations, like I have no food, she’d have to cook her own meals, etc. and that I think we should go to mediation. She agreed on the mediation bit. But somehow she thought I was playing mind games with her (I’ve never played mind games, ever) and in the end she changed her mind.

I looked at our texts and emails and I can’t for the life of me see where the confusion was.
Id even prepared a room for her. I tried to call her to talk, as texts can be misread, but she hasn’t answered either of my 2 calls I’ve made to her in the past 1.5 weeks.

None of her behaviour of leaving like she did or any behaviour since tends to show me we were ever ‘best friends’ or that she wants to remain friends at all.

This has done a couple of things: it shows me that she’s got her own serious negative self-talk issues going on, and it shows me that no matter how hard I try, no matter what the outcome of mediation, she is never going to want to be friends, never going to want to try to make it work, living together or not.

And when we go to mediation, I expect things to really go pear-shaped when she grasps the full magnitude of the situation.

Today, a little bit of any hope I had of making things work out died inside me. Each time we have a very bad interaction like this, another piece will die, till there’s nothing left.

I tried to accommodate her request (even though my confidantes thought the request was bizarre) because I would help a stranger in her family member’s situation, so I thought it was the right thing to do. But she somehow flipped the situation into one where I was doing a bad thing and refusing to help someone in need. I don’t think I can ever win with her any more, despite offering help and support in every way I can - and despite how I have received the most coldest regard in response.

[Tranquillity_Please]

Hi Jsua,

Yes, she needs support, counselling, love, understanding, advice, stability, compassion.

I knew she had issues within weeks of us meeting. But I guess I thought I was going to be the one to give her all these things and help her out of the situation she was in. But it seems that the magnitude of her and her children’s’ issues was too much for a normal person to help with, and they require professional help - which I doubt they will ever try to get.

It’s just so very sad, because at her core, she is a beautiful, pure spirit that would never intentionally hurt or harm anyone. But she feels so backed into a corner, that the only option she thinks she has is to run away.

There doesn’t seem to be any talking sense to her any more.

Such a tragedy

[Tranquillity_Please]

Hi Rx,

Yep, I have no choice but to sell now. The next obstacle will be mediation.

I still have pity and compassion for her when I think what must be going through her mind.

[Tranquillity_Please]

Hi BOC,

Im not sure we can hold off sorting out and finalising the financials, we both need the money to move forward separately.

I can afford to wait and I can afford to take a little less than I will initially propose at mediation. She is in a much worse financial situation than I am, and I would not wish her impending situation on my worse enemy, let alone someone I still have feelings for. (despite knowing our relationship is definitely over and we’ll never be friends after all this is done.)

I’m not the kind of soul that can love someone with everything I have, but then have absolutely no feeling or compassion for when it’s all over or ending. That doesn’t mean I still love them, it just means I’m not completely heartless.

Thank you to you and everyone that has commented and offered support and advice.

[Just Sara]

Hi TP;

Reading through your posts it seems life isn't giving you much of a break. Being consumed with grief, renovating the house, then trying to handle logistics of finances and mediation can't be easy. Not to mention the confusion of accepting a houseguest that didn't eventuate due to, well, who knows.

I'm concerned about your health and well-being my friend. Our brains and bodies aren't an infinite source of functioning if they've been neglected. I genuinely care...

You asked why I talked about mediation being untimely; you've got to be at your best to negotiate and communicate with your best interests at heart. Yes, taking a support person is positive, but the guts of it will be left up to you. Without eating/sleeping properly, it may limit how well you can achieve the best outcome...for yourself.

Empathy is understanding what walking in a person's shoes might be like while still protecting ourselves from their pain. Sympathy is when we 'feel' what that person might be going through and act as if it were a personal journey.

We can't see into the minds of others, so it can be tempting to guess or assume what/why/how etc people are thinking/doing; most times we're wrong. This can be an unhealthy pass time after a breakup.

There's a lot to be said for face value and knowing what's before one. Promoting yourself as the primary stakeholder is imperative. And...maybe a little anger could go a long way.

I'm sorry if this all sounds like a lecture, but I can assure you my concern for you is genuine and hopefully, comes across as respectful.

Hugs as always...Sez