5 years on from a break-up and still unable to move on

[PunksInTheGym]

In 2012 I met a lovely young lady who became the centre of my universe (admittedly a bad move) but I thought finally that I had met someone to settle down with. I had been through numerous relationships prior and was about ready to give up. Ever since this one failed, I have virtually done just that.

We were only together for around four months.

What made this one so hard in the end was distance, but I never did get a rock solid reason for her leaving me. We had an arrangement where she purchased me an E-tag for my car, so I didn't have to worry about buying a citylink pass all the time to go see her. I wasn't overly comfortable with the idea, so I made sure I spoilt her and treated her well in return for this gesture. I was working full time, and she was also, so one day/night a week was the normal catch up for us.

In the end her break-up method was to come to my house and collect this e-tag. We said I love you to each other, but we could see it in each other's faces that things were not going to end well. I didn't even get through the cuddle and goodbye,drive safe before I totally lost it. Following this break-up I took to the bottle,marijuana, and shortly after had lung surgery to correct a collapsed lung I later suffered at work. Both my dogs also passed away shortly after. I've put myself through the ringer playing the blame game. And after the initial anger towards her (which I did not channel her way,but bottled) I began to really take it out on myself.

After being made redundant from work I spiralled into an abyss. And only in the last 12 months have I really gained any ground, mentally and physically.

I am a keen rock climber/mountaineer. I used this as my escape also and to a degree it worked. But I still have her in my thoughts, dreams and so on. She has a partner now whom she moved in with maybe a year after we broke up, but I have not done anything since but climb. Or go fishing. And most of these things have been on my own. When I go into the mountains I pick the worst days and make myself suffer deliberately. I break down sometimes out there,but quite often it happens at home randomly. Then I have to hide it.

I can't contact her as doing so only made things worse, and she has clearly moved on with her life after 5 years without me.

At the moment I feel as though I am at a crossroads. Do something about it now, or self destruct.

Apologies for ranting, but I guess that is why we are all here. To talk about it.

[quirkywords]

Welcome Punksinthegym,

I am new here too and you have picked a good place to talk. That is a good first step.

No apologies as it isn't ranting at all it just sharing your story.

You have had a lot happening within a short term your break up, your surgery and losing your dogs.

I wonder if you have actually allowed yourself to grieve the relationship ending. It helped me to write a letter to my ex as I was having trouble letting go . Of course I never sent the letter but putting down all my feelings and emotions on paper made me put things into perspective.

It is good that you realise you are at a crossroads and realise you need to take action now.

Cheers

Quirkywords

[PunksInTheGym]

Hi and thanks for the reply.

I did write a few letters but in such an emotional state I don't think they helped either of us, nor were they really doing anything but repeating what had been said in a text message already. I'm not entirely sure if what I have done could be classed as grieving or more of a self loathing act. Punishing one's self in a sense.

I can look back on things and perhaps try and let it out properly. No harm in trying. I am at the stage where I would love to just erase all thoughts of her, instead of reminisce. When I think back to the good, that same outcome comes back to me in vivid detail and I groundhog day my way through life for weeks or months at a time.