So..... it’s 3am and I can’t get to sleep. My mind is racing. It’s feeling conflicted.
The wife left me and our kids just short of a year ago. We are still talking, although it feels like the conversations are getting worse rather than better. She’s starting to bring the new boyfriend (started seeing him 4 days after she left me) to places we might catch up. And I can’t talk about him (and how he interacts with our kids) without her becoming frustrated and shutting down.
Ive been trying to move on - met a wonderful woman, but am cautious about rushing anything - especially because of the kids. I feel ‘safe’ when I’m with her, but it’s difficult as I have the kids almost all the time.
I don’t feel right. Tonight I’m lost with thoughts I don’t like.... I was almost at the point where I thought I could start winding back on the antidepressants, but random nights like this hit me and I don’t dare think what mess I would be in if I had stopped.
A decent full nights sleep would be wonderful. Hasn’t happened since she left.
What am I doing?
Hi ImplodedSoul, I know exactly how you feel because when I was divorced my ex (who I still love) did the same until I said I didn't want him to come, this did happen but now he has become sick with dementia, so he has to be with her.
If you like and get on with your friend then start connecting with her, kids are pretty resilient, some aren't I realise, but then you begin to try and settle them by various means.
I'm not a doctor and can't tell you what to do, but I can still suggest, and what I'd like to say is wait until the situation calms down before you talk with your doctor about cutting down your AD's.
If they are helping you, that's what you want, because stopping these AD may not be appropriate, but consult with your GP about this.
Is your friend able to stay the night with you?
I hope to hear back from you as it relates to my situation, although I'm a little different.
I'm so glad someone has entered into your life in a way that leads you to feel safe; sounds like she could be somewhat of a guiding light.
I've watched a friend of mine navigate the incredible challenges that can go hand in hand with becoming a single parent. Although the split was based on mutual agreement between her and her husband, about 4 years ago, what followed involved some mentally and emotionally torturous stuff (including her ex hooking up with a new gal straight away).
I believe my friend's greatest challenge came down to dealing with the process of disappointment. She'd appointed her ex the role of someone who is unselfish as a father, someone who is considerate, mature and conscious of the impact of his actions. Time and time again, he proved himself to be selfish, inconsiderate, immature and oblivious in regard to the impact of his actions. She kept hoping, for the kids' sake, he would change but he didn't. She kept him appointed to these roles even though she faced constant disappointment, on his part.
When someone else rejects certain roles in life, the real challenge we face comes down to how we are going to change or develop. 'What new roles am I willing to take on?' becomes the question. An extreme example: If my ex's new partner is abusive towards my kids, I will appoint myself the role of advocate for my kids, seeing my ex has obviously disappointed herself from this role. Through legal means, I may seek to stop the kids from visiting or I will seek supervised visitation, as long as the new boyfriend is present.
ImplodedSoul, can you think of the roles you've appointed your ex? How well is she filling these roles? With each role that cannot be met by your ex, how can you see yourself adjusting to taking on healthy roles in the process?
I know, all easier said than done. It took my friend a number of years to finally let go of old expectations when it comes to her ex. He fills his new appointment well these days, as someone unreliable and largely absent. My friend and her girls are invested far more in each other these days and far less in disappointment. Re-identifying our self through new positive roles and goals leads us to become someone new.
By the way, do you have family or friends who could occasionally fill the role of babysitter? A caring, trustworthy reliable teenage niece might be looking for a bit of pocket money. It's important you fill the role of 'Someone who receives some free/me time'.
Apologies if my replies seem a little disjointed. The kids were up early (as they do). I’ll have to watch the fatigue closely today.
My friend does stay when the kids are with their mum, and we have sneakily introduced them to her via mutual friends and going to public events and ‘running into each other’.
Its working well and they get along really well. I’m hoping the kids define the transition to relationship, rather than me telling them as it will be much easier for them to process.
Given how I’m feeling, there’s no intention to stop the ADs and I wouldn’t without consultation. It more that I hate taking pills at the best of times and in particular thought I felt to be ‘leveling out’, for want of a better description.