33 and confused

[Harlow88]

I’ve been with my partner for 2.5years, everything was great the 1styear. We got along & I could see a future (he’d been married prior and I’d been engaged)

COVID hit he lost his job & his family got into legal woes & he became cold
he admitted he’s not been himself & once it’s over he will go back to normal

I gave as much love&support as he’d allow as he turns phone off for days, we don’t live together & I’ve never been to his place, I had to drag his address out of him as I thought it was odd we’d been together for 2 years & I didn’t know where he lives), I let him be & gave him the time he asked for & let him know I was there
he became mean, if I had an issue it wasn’t as important as his issues, if I told my feelings I was being dramatic & he has no time or patience for nonsense.
I get while we’re at work (he got a new job with very long hours and literally works 7 days a week apparently) that we can’t text & talk all day.
but I’m lucky if I get 2 texts a day and he is unreachable at least once every weekend.
Once the legal issues settled & he seemed better I shared that I don’t feel loved & cared for, he didn’t care. I withdrew into myself, stopped sharing my life, sadness or happiness with him as when I did, it didn’t compare to his stress. It’s constant fighting & me trying to show him I feel like a secret, he was so secretive about giving me his address, he ignores me for days at a time. He likes to feel physical intimacy (hugs, kisses) where as I like to feel loved & heard & if we can’t see each other often, a kind word goes a long way.
but he told me he needs time to be able to compliment me because he’s stressed. I could count on one hand the nice things he’s said to me. he never says anything nice to or about me. I don’t need constant compliments, just want to feel loved. I don’t know if I should stay & see if he does get better or if I should move on. we don’t have photos together, We’ve never celebrated anything, new year, birthday or anything. He forgot my birthday this year and last year I got a single text saying “happy bday”& when I say that he says get real we’re going through a pandemic. Im struggling because I’m 33 and hanging out with him in a car because he’s not ready to introduce to family because of the stress & that’s ok. just want to add the family issues are somewhat stressful, but all avoidable. It’s all stupid decisions made by his family that he for some reason has to fix. please help me with some honest advice x

[The_Bro]

Aw shucks thanks heaps Harlow88!

Your loyalty is absolutely incredible BUT take care to look after yourself and remind yourself what an impressive person you are.

I very much doubt that Mr Right will take time to come along to someone like you - have you heard the saying 'When the student is ready the teacher will appear'? So when you are good and ready the sky will turn rosie and you will look back on this as an obstacle that was only there to steer you in a much better direction.

All the very best, The Bro

[Banksy92]

Hi Harlow88,

I'm glad you feel comfortable here to share, it's a really great community where we can all explore our lives and feelings safely.

Sorry to hear he wasn't supportive of you during such a difficult time! It must have been really hard seeing your parents go through both of those things, are they okay now? I hope so.

You've definitely got a lot on right now, it would be understandable if feelings of depression or anxiety were being triggered by a whole range of things. I think it sounds fair enough that you've got a date in mind to aim for and make a fair assessment of your relationship by. That gives you both time to work through this period and for you to see if he's showing any signs of shifting for the better.

Is there anything you can do for yourself in between now and then that will help you feel stronger? Maybe you can make a wellness plan for yourself so you have something positive to focus on while you wait.

Everyone's different so it could look like anything, but for example for me, when I've been hit with really bad depression and anxiety I arrange a chat with my psychologist, aim to do more exercise and meditation and add some journalling into my bedtime routine. Just a few small steps throughout the week but it really helps.

[Guest_1643]

hi all

I just want to vaidate you -

being cagey about where you live is a red flag, ater 2.5 years of not having gone there, it would seem something isn't adding up. Of course you can't assume the worst, but honesty and transparency really can make or break relationships. Being cagey about your living situation seems very concerning to me.

I reread your initial post to see if I was missing something or some reason for his behaviour but from what I read, I have to be honest I saw no acceptable, understandable reason for him to, for example, react that way about birthdays, avoid taking photos, hide you from friends and family, and not permit you to know where he lives. I think it might be risky to wait for things to improve. We all want to see the best in people, give them the benefit of the doubt, and hope that they will grow and change.

But if someone isn't treating you with empathy, respect, and isn't being reasonable, it can take a toll on us personally, a huge toll really, to stick arund on the maybe that they will change. Put yourself first. You deserve a happy birthday. You deserve to feel comfortable and at ease with the person ur dating.

[The_Bro]

Hi again Harlow88

I just heard a song and thought about you - it's a Black Peas song, not sure about the title, but a line in it that kept repeating was 'A broken heart is blind'. Suggest you look after yourself and take time to let the current situation run its course before trying to do too much.

Regards as always - The Bro

[Harlow88]

Hi jsm1974,

Thank you so much for your reply.
Im so sorry to hear about what is happening with your wife.
This pandemic is really affecting so many people.
I completely understand the burnout of it all. It takes a huge toll whether you’re still able to work or not.
thank you for sharing how you see things, I think you’re spot on in a lot of things you said. We all deal with things differently.
Im just not sure that it’s me he wants anymore. We’ve almost broken up a few times now and it’s always been because I’ve shared my feelings about our situation. I’m the bad guy for going through stuff and speaking up and then it turns into a huge fight we’re we’ve both thought about splitting.
I also want to thank you for the kind words at the end. It’s really appreciated hearing someone think this.
I wish he could see it.
I’m really sorry to hear about you and your wife parting ways, I really hope things work out for the best and you both can be happy.
please stay strong and keep being the wonderful person you are

All the best

Harlow88

[Harlow88]

Hi again Bro,

Its true! You guys are absolutely amazing.
My doctor told me about this site and it took me a while to log on as I wasn’t sure what to expect but I am so happy I did.
You all have been so honest (which is how I live my life mostly, being honest but nice about it) and I really need to hear the the truth.
I really hope and am sure you’re right, that things will all work out and everything will be great.
It’s just that gray area in the middle when everything is a bit sh*t.
I must say I haven’t heard that saying before but I like it, thank you.
It’s hard to imagine though you know? I’ve never had the best luck in regards to relationships. It’s hard to imagine that I’ll find or be with someone who loves me as much as I love people.
The only people who have never let me down have been my parents and brother.
In regards to your second message which I also appreciate so much that you thought of me, yes a broken heart is so blind. It’s like we hope for the best and end up getting taken for granted.
I suppose what is meant for me will be done. Just have to keep my chin up, but she’s so heavy right now.
Thank you so much for being incredibly kind, I hope you are keeping well and happy,

All the best,

Harlow88

[Harlow88]

Hi again Banksy92,

You're completely right, it does feel like a safe space. I should have written on here two years ago!

Yes it was absolutely horrible. For the last 20 years I’ve watched my mum go through some kind of serious health issue and since then my anxiety about both my parents and brothers health has gotten so much worse. I’m constantly concerned and worried thinking about them.
It may be irrational but seeing so much from such a young age has I’d say traumatised me. Seeing what they both went through and not being able to do anything to help, I feel like I’m useless. I panic. But they are ok, dad will be going to a specialist next month which I will be accompanying him to as I will have an anxiety attack if I don’t know what’s going on! thank you so so much for asking. That’s so kind thank you. You’re a great person!

I feel I’ve given it a bit of time and tried to stay quiet and not rock the boat but how long is a reasonable amount of time to allow someone to walk all over you..

The last huge fight I suggested counselling and he said there’s no point he’ll never go and I just have to make more effort in regards to being the first to reach for a hug or hold his hand or whatever. I’m the one who stops us from being good.
After one bad fight he decided the best way to deal with it was to be civil with me. No love or affection, civil until I show I can reach out to him in a physical way (not sex). It’s hard for me to want to when I don’t get any affection, just coldness because he’s stressed he can’t be sweet to me. I don’t even know if he likes me most of the time, I feel like a bother.
What I’ve been doing on my days off is clean (sounds odd but it’s a distraction), and I’ve been painting a bit which has been ok. I know I need to speak to a professional which I will do eventually.
I also started journaling which helps me get a bit of the angry’s out but I end up just feeling like what on earth am I doing.
Im sorry to hear that you suffer from depression and anxiety, but I’m glad that you seek out the things you find helpful.
That makes me happy to hear.
Thank you for listening to me rant and rant, it means more than you know.
Stay safe and take care,

Harlow88

[Harlow88]

Hi Sleepy21,

Thank you kindly for your reply.
And thank you for being honest I like that.

I agree that the house thing felt off to me too. I’d realised about a year ago that I’d never been to his suburb (we usually meet in the middle or he comes to my town), &asked where he lives exactly. He asked why & I said it’s weird that we’ve been together for a while now & I dont know where you live.
He got super weird & I basically kept questioning him until he reluctantly told me. I know I shouldn’t have pushed so hard but it started to play on my mind.
He claims no one including his friends knows where we lives as he doesn’t want dramas. He had a previous partner &old friends come to start trouble.
I would NEVER go to his house and was a bit upset that he’d think I’d show up to start trouble
I will also mention his mum lives there &that’s why I haven’t been invited

It’s not the right time to meet familes with whats happening. To be completely honest I don’t want to meet his family, they seem so dramatic. My family are chill, so it’s hard to understand why everyone needs him to fix every little situation.

I love that your post is so to the point. Its exactly what I need to hear, it makes me feel I’m not the only one who thinks the behaviour is strange.
I really appreciate the honesty.
Your friends are lucky to have you.
There’s never been an anniversary, outing or anything special. There’s no thought.
He blames the way he feels (not being excited about literally anything) on having a party when he was 16 &no one showed up even after he’d bought all this food &drinks.
Am I being a jerk to think that’s silly? I’ve gone through that too, &at 16 it was devastating but after growing up I realised they weren’t really my friends.
I do feel excitement when my friends/family have great news like weddings and babies and buying a house or whatever! I get excited for them for any little thing big or small. And it’s like he’s never excited about anything that I share that makes me happy. And then I feel so deflated because he’s the one who I want to share all my happiness with but all it does is take it away and I feel stupid for sharing anything at all, especially the good stuff.
I recently got promoted, was so happy & all he said was “that’s good”. No follow up questions at all. It was like a kick in the chest.

Anyway I’ve carried on long enough, sorry it’s so long, thank you so much for much needed advice. I wish you so much joy & happiness!