20 Year Old Son Addicted to Marijuana and Ruining My Life

[Loveanimals]

My son is addicted to marijuana.  I know....what a great parent I am for even letting him use it :(. 

I allowed him to use it at home as I did not want him out with random people getting into trouble.  Initially he was part of a bad group and I did not want him associating with them.

He is now addicted to it and the stuff he is buying is not good and he is really suffering.  He has always suffered from insomnia and anxiety.  I have done everything I can to try to help him.   At the end of the day he is an adult now and he has to learn to take responsibility for himself. 

He has an appointment tomorrow with the Dr to discuss his issues.  I hope so much something can be done to make him feel better about himself.  I must say though that I am totally over it all.  I have made numerous Dr appointments over the last two years....that he declines to attend .  I have offered him Gym membership to get him out there doing something good for himself .  Again...declined.  I am actually really angry as he does nothing to help himself?  I work and have a lot of responsiblity around the house and assisting my elderly father.  My son does NOTHING to help around the house.  He is totally selfish.  He has not got his licence yet although I paid for lessons and have taken him out in my car to get his hours up.  He makes every excuse under the Sun to be lazy and entitled.  I hate being mean but I fear this is emotional blackmail.  He is unhappy with himself but can't get that he is responsible for himself.  He has a great life here.  Lovely house, lovely food; I drive him to his work etc.  He just lays around eating takeout and smoking weed if he is not working. 

 I feel trapped as he sounds off to me constantly about how bad his life is and so forth but I can only tolerate so much.  He has no intention of moving out or the like.  I am in my late fifties and I am suffering a lot from this.   It is like being trapped in a bad marriage!

Anyway that is my rant for the day.  I appreciate any feedback. 

[white knight]

Hi loveanimals, yes I do also.

45 years ago I was a prison officer in Pentridge jail. I knew some prisoners better than others. Both parents of one inmate arrived for a visit to a guy I knew quite well. Their son was on treatment in the jail for drug addiction. His parents after their visit were distressed and there I was at 21yo trying to sooth their pain. They also had done all they could to rehabilitate their son to no avail. 

Since then and also on these forums I've witnessed the same thing. I have an older couple, lifelong friends that are almost parents to me, their son got involved with the underworld. After a few years trying to convince him to withdraw from that environment they sold up in the city and moved to a town 4 hours away. He was such a lovely well looked after boy. 

You are not being gentle with yourself by self punishment when you have been a good parent, these things happen without your control and frankly I would have tried the same step as you in allowing him to carry out the habit at home. Trouble is, where he sources the stuff is from those not so admirable people imo.

For what it's worth, considering your age and your dad,  big life changes is needed that results in tough love. Consider-

•  Moving dad into aged care (very personal decision I know)
•  Selling up and moving to a small place, meaning he has to find his own accommodation
• A move to a country town might be enough as he's likely not to follow
• If you sell up go overseas for a few weeks or interstate and repurchase when he is settled at another abode
• He is too old now to take orders and directions, decisions and actions is the only possibility for change.
• Try not to take his demands and objections to heart, he will stamp his feet

I'm sorry for you in this situation. He is taking full advantage and knows no other way but to act privileged that mum will do everything for him. You can stop it but you must see your own survival and mental well being as important as his welfare actually more because his isnt caring for you.

I hope that helps,  Reply anytime

TonyWK

[CheaB]

Hi Loveanimals,

I hope you are doing alright. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, it is very brave of you.

I think your son will definitely benefit from seeing a doctor, as receiving professional advice and being able to share vulnerable feelings can be very liberating. Seeking support for mental health would contribute positively and allow him to deal with his emotions. It is great that your son is working because a professional environment provides a change and can contribute positively to one's mental wellbeing.

For you, drawing boundaries is very important so that you can protect your mental wellbeing. When a family lives under a single roof, each member contributes in some way or the other. If your son continues to live with you, it might be beneficial for you to allocate him with some tasks around the house, such as, cooking dinner, doing the laundry or cleaning the house. This would also provide your son with a sense of responsibility which can contribute positively to confidence as he would be completing activities to keep himself busy. Furthermore, it may be useful for you to be assertive and delegate tasks as opposed to providing an option. Taking him to his doctor's appointment, taking him for a joint counselling session to resolve his feelings and stating that he needs to complete certain tasks if he has certain expectations from you would be key. If your son and father have a good relationship, maybe encouraging them to speak to one another might be useful, so that you are able to see your son's perspective.

I think speaking with your son's doctor to understand how you can contribute effectively to support your son would assist you in further empathising with him through this matter, without exhausting yourself. In addition, asking for advice to protect your mental wellbeing is also crucial.

 All in all, you are doing a great job as a mother and I just want to reassure you that you are not alone in this.

I hope this helps!

Take care,

Sarea.