Will I ever recover from my dads sudden death *Trigger Warning Domestic Violence*

[Emo]

Hi Everyone,

I’m not sure where to start. It’s been two months since the sudden death of my dad and I feel more heartbroken now than when he first died. I feel like I’ll never recover. It’s like I’m drowning in grief. His death has made me face the other things that I am experiencing in my life like domestic violence being perpetrated by my husband.

I’ve been suffering abuse for years but I’ve had to hide the abuse from everyone as it’s my shame for putting up with it for so long. It’s a secret which I’ve tried to keep buried deep inside myself but it’s now come to the surface after my dads death. I’ve been trying to hide marks from everyone by wearing really thick makeup and always wearing long sleeves even during summer in 44 degree heat. I believe I’ve been able to hide it all from everyone but now I’ve reached my limit.

To try to avoid the worst of the abuse I’m sleeping in my car which is keeping me a bit safer as the nights are the worst. It’s been so cold that I’ve been lucky to get more than 2 hours sleep a night. I’m just so tired. I’m still with my husband as I believe I deserve the abuse. Maybe if I’d let him do whatever he wants to me he wouldn’t hurt me as much.

I feel like I don’t deserve anyone to care about me after years of name calling and being put down. I believe that I’m worthless and maybe looking at me does make people ill. Maybe I am lucky to have my husband. I’ve tried to get a counsellor but where I live they don’t want to take on new clients. I’m just really struggling with the awful thoughts that are going through my head.

I’m just so very sad about everything. I’m starting to wonder why I bother continuing on with my life when there’s nothing to live for anymore. My dads death has made me realise that without the close bond we had I now have no one else to talk to.

My mother isn’t someone I can talk to as we never got along. My dad was the person that was a buffer between us who stopped us fighting. I understand she’s grieving too but it’s different with her as she’s already talking of dating again even though she was married to my dad for 51 years.

I’m sorry about the length of this post but once I started opening up about the awful things I’m experiencing it all just came flooding out. It feels so good to be able to talk about my life anonymously. Thank you for listening.

[Emo]

Hi Tranzcrybe,

I’m so grateful for your lovely words as I’ve had a really bad day. I know I can’t really mention what happened to me as it could be too much for others to hear but I’m in a lot of pain. I got so cold in my car that I had to go inside. I had to leave the safety of my car. I’m not sure how much longer I can put up with it, I’m so tired of covering for him and making excuses for him. I think I still love him but could he really love me when he inflicts such pain on me. It’s all just too much.

It also looks like I’m losing my job due to me having time off for my dads death and funeral. It’s also due to me having a few days off for domestic violence related injuries. My heart is broken as I love my job but also because of the fact that without a job I will no longer have a chance to escape the abuse if I want that. I feel like I’m being punished for what he’s doing to me. I need to just forget about having any safety. I need to just accept what he does to me as I will be with him 24/7 without my job.

I’m sorry to be so emotional as I started off replying to your latest reply to me but my emotions got the better of me as I know I need to keep my emotions in check. What have I done to deserve this much pain? I’m sorry, I’m being selfish when my problems are minor compared to other people. I just need to accept the abuse. It’s not too hard to hide this time with make up but I’m not sure how easy it is to forget what he did to me. I’d better stop complaining as I probably deserved it, maybe it was because of something I did. I’m just so sore.

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Emo

Thank you for reaching out again and letting us know where you are at. We are so sorry you are experiencing such abuse, and are glad you have at least this place to share your feelings. Nobody deserves to be experiencing what you are going through right now, please keep remembering that you have the same right everyone has to live in safety and that you deserve kindness and respect.

We want to remind you that 1800RESPECT offer support 24/7 for people impacted by domestic or family violence and abuse. You can contact them anytime on 1800 737 732 or through https://www.1800respect.org.au/  Also our Support Service is available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via online chat (3pm-midnight) at www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  If you are concerned for your safety at any point, please contact triple zero for immediate assistance.

Please do keep posting here to let us know how you are going, and we hope that you can find advice and support from our community.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

No need to apologise at all, Emo - you are entitled to feel overcome by the abuse being measured out to you.

I say again: Domestic violence is a criminal offence and you deserve none of it.

Your job is a lifeline for you in more ways than one :-

1. As you mentioned, it gives you time away from the abuse,
2. You have a justifiable outlet to explain to your employer the reasons behind your time off;
3. From your sensitive perspective, you are not specifically complaining about the abuse, but merely explaining the circumstances for your absence;
4. You will be opening a line of support through confidential conversation and available assistance.

Please do this for the sake of your job and your personal safety. Your employer will at least have the facts and can make a better evaluation regarding your dedication and present situation.

One more thing, Emo, you may find immediate action if you take yourself to a hospital emergency department - they are not allowed to release you back into a risk environment.

You really do need to extricate yourself from harm as your loyalties are blinding you to the reality.

Take care, Emo. Nothing you mention can be "too much" for your friends to handle.

Kind regards,

t.

[Emo]

Hi Grandy,

I'm so sorry for what you went through and are still going through as I truly believe it does stay with you for the rest of your life. I know how hard it must be with the guilt of what happened to your children but you would have been in a very damaged and vulnerable space when it was happening as I know I can’t think straight while I’m in this space. None of what happened is your fault. I don’t have to worry about children as I’m unable to have any due to something my husband did to me. I won’t go into details as it still haunts me. All I ever wanted was to be a mother but he robbed me of that. Maybe it’s for the best as I don’t know what kind of a mother I would have been. I’d probably be such a failure as I’m such a loser. I can’t believe I’ve told anyone this as it’s supposed to stay a secret. It’s brought up all ready bad memories. I need to take a break for a few minutes as I’m coming apart a bit. I’m sorry, I’m back now. I’m ready to continue with my reply now.

I’m sorry that your life was hell on earth as it does really change you with what you are going through. I struggle like you with how I can be so badly hurt by him but still love him. I’m so confused as he knows what to say to me to make me fall in love with him again but he also knows what to say to me which hurts me deeply as I do still see glimmers of the man I married.

I’m not sure if I care what happens to me anymore as my heart is broken. I feel like I deserve everything he does to me. The last lot of abuse he inflicted on me has truly made me question what to do. It’s like I’m not sure what I should do anymore.

I usually take care of my injuries myself so my secret shame is kept to myself but I have been abused where I’ve needed to visit the hospital before. I had to lie to them and tell them I had a fall. I guess they must have believed me as they didn’t ask me any other questions. When will I feel it’s ok to leave? I should be so grateful that he’s willing to be with me. I’m struggling so much right now. It feels like he’s killed me deep inside. I’m so sorry, I’m supposed to be comforting you after your reply to me but instead I’ve turned it into me venting. I’m sorry.

Regards,

Emo.

[Emmen]

Dear Emo,

My heart breaks reading everything you've said. You're such a beautiful person, so full of life. Your husband has robbed you of the joy you should be having, of having the right to see how beautiful life can be. You don't deserve any of this. But yet you're so faithful to your marriage.

I understand your reluctance to leave, I understand why you want to keep this marriage going. But sometimes, we need to understand that these wishes to achieve an 'ideal' must be cast aside when the circumstances don't support them. You're not living your life as you should. Life will be so much happier without receiving this abuse. You can have a life without having to hide your injuries, a life where you can be free of this constant fear that haunts you. That is what you deserve. To be happy in life.

Getting physically abused just for folding a towel wrongly? A towel can be folded in any way, it's just a piece of cloth! There is no mistake here, you do not deserve any kind of abuse. His behaviour is unjustified. Abuse that leaves you unable to have children? Emo, this is in no way something that you deserve. This is violent assault and a criminal offence. You have to see that, please, for your own sake. You're the victim here and he has manipulated your world such that you think you deserve this treatment. There's even a term for this behaviour - it's called gaslighting. And it's a form of psychological abuse. Him apologising for his abuse and then falling into the same pattern again? Don't fall into that trap, please. This is his cycle of manipulation and only you can break this cycle.

I'm worried for you, Emo. I'd make a police report about the abuse. Again, I urge you to call 1800RESPECT and seek their professional advice on what your next steps should be. You've shown so much courage posting here and seeking help. You have the courage to leave this marriage.

A huge hug for you,
M

[Emo]

Hi Emmen,

Thank you for replying to me. I’m not sure if would know what to do without my husband in my life. I’ve been with him for almost 20 years. There was probably a year or so where things were ok then it got bad, then very bad. I didn’t really notice it changing as it changed gradually but I believe the verbal abuse has happened throughout our entire marriage. The words hurt me more than the physical abuse except for the times when I’ve been hospitalised. Then that was really bad. I won’t go into detail but I wondered how someone I loved so much who I have committed to could hurt me like that.

I was told it was all my fault and that I deserved it but speaking to the wonderful people in the forums I’m starting to wonder if that’s true. Is saying hello to him a reason to hurt me? I’ve just accepted it all until now but I’ve just started to think about how much of the abuse is my fault. I wouldn’t have been able to do that without everyone’s help so thank you.

I also contacted 1800Respect tonight via online chat. I spoke to a nice person who suggested a women’s refuge but the one locally isn’t one I could stay at as my husband knows where it is. I also think I probably wasn’t ready to talk to them unless I wanted to leave him. The internal struggle I’m having with loving him and wanting to be safe is slowly killing me inside. How do I decide when I feel like I’ve committed to him for life. Even when he’s done some horrific things to me I still agree that it was probably my fault as I probably deserved it. It’s so hard to cope on my own. Thankfully I don’t feel totally on my own any more due to the lovely people who are reaching out to me in these forums. It gives me a bit of hope for once. Thank you.

Regards,

Emo.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

What a positive step for you chatting online to 1800RESPECT - would you not be safe even in a refuge?

I have been looking for information on what may be a PTSD you could be suffering...

https://www.healthline.com/health/battered-woman-syndrome (sorry that is such an inappropriate sounding address)

I found the 'stages' particularly relevant but you may find some helpful advice contained within - see what you think.

You are doing really well processing your emotions, Emo.

Regards,

t.

[Emo]

Hi Tranzcrybe,

Unfortunately I can’t go to the local women’s refuge in my home town as it’s known by my husband. I’m not sure if I’m ready to leave him so I’m not going to even think about doing that yet.

Wow, your suggestion of battered woman syndrome is exactly what I have. The realisation that I now have a name for what I’m going through is amazing. I’m going to read more about the condition but thank you for suggesting it. You are right about the stages, I’m stuck on stage 2. I’m not sure how to get to stage 3 and beyond. Thank you for opening up my eyes to something I’ve never heard of.

Regards,

Emo.

[monkey_magic]

Hi dear Emo,

I have read your whole thread.

I will again reiterated what many others have said but you battle to believe because of mental games he's been playing with your mind.
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT and YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS. YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG. IT IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Please believe us because we have your best interests in mind and in heart.

You are WORTHY of love and respect. You do not deserve abuse, pain, embarrassment, humiliation, trauma.

There is nothing wrong with you. The only thing wrong in this situation is his TREATMENT of you.

Please keep reaching out for help to save your life.

If u can't go to that refuge go to another one. I believe you need to go into hiding. You need to go to a refuge where you can be safe and supported by other woman. They will help you when you cannot help yourself.

Darling at the present time you might not have the strength through no fault of your own to help/ save yourself. So, lean on us, lean on people in life. Tell people, PLEASE. Please tell more doctors.
Even better, go to the police, but I suggest a refuge first so you have the support, and they can go with you.

You matter, you are important. Your health and safety matter to us.

We care immensely. Please don't continue to be with him.

You only have one you and one life...why are you letting another human demolish it?
He is programming you. Honey, this is not love.

[tranzcrybe]

Yes, Emo, I understand completely. Happy to have a 'label' for you - it can help to know it's a real condition (sadly) and you are certainly not alone (- and neither responsible nor deserving).

Finding a PTSD therapist might help you through 'stage 3' (which I think you are 'studying' presently) and onward.

Please stay safe, and call emergency numbers if you are in peril.

Regards,

t.