Why do councillors always think I’m ok when I really am not

[Shell_02]

When I go to any type of therapy I always come across as ok.  I think it’s because they don’t see me at my worst.  I am often in a constant state of flight or fight.  When I’m like that my reasonable self disappears and I can become angry or extremely upset.  I can do and say things that I wouldn’t in normal circumstances.  I then get depressed and sometimes have thoughts of suicide.  I feel worthless, unloved, alone and feel I have nothing to look forward to.  I withdraw from people and don’t enjoy doing things I normally enjoy.  Then after awhile I pick myself up and start to climb out of my hole.  I build up my walls again and try to get on with things but the hurt and anxiety is still there just hiding behind my walls. It’s always at this time I tend to have appointments and my “reasonable” self is back.  I can tell them how I have been but I never get help.  I don’t just want to talk, I want some help.  I want someone to give me the tools to help me control my emotions but I never get that.  They always think I’m ok and I know I am not.  What can I do to get the help I need.

[therising]

Hi Shell_02

I really feel for you so much as you face what sounds incredibly frustrating and disappointing. When it comes to being in the presence of someone who can help us make greater sense of things (such as a therapist), that person's not always going to get our most anxious or depressed aspects of self. If anything, what they may find is the analyst in us who analyses with them as we go along or the skeptic in us who might be a bit skeptical of whether what they're trying to achieve will make a difference. If what they get is the most reasonable part of us, a part that is able to gain and offer good reason, we can appear perfectly reason able. Such facets of human nature can be highly functional. Walking out the door with no sense of progress can trigger a part of us we wish that person could have met with or maybe, as we hand over the cash at reception, it triggers some angry intolerant part that questions (through inner dialogue) 'What the heck did we just pay for?!'.

As someone who tends to cycle (more so with depression), I can relate to appearing fine and even really good on occasion, before I cycle around into a depression. Took me decades to work out what it was all about. The cycle's always the same and has been for decades. The only thing that changes is the length of time I stay in certain parts of the cycle. Not sure if you can relate

1. everything's good or okay until things can start to be felt as not good or not okay
2. then the continuing downshift out of good/okay really starts to be felt at depressing levels
3. then a period of self isolation can begin for a variety of reasons, which can include not being able to tolerate people or situations, needing time out for outward analysis and greater self understanding, just not having the energy with which to cope, dealing with some form of philosophical aspect of self that leads to questions such as 'What's the point to life? Why am I here? Why do I suffer? What's it all about?' etc etc. Things can still feel depressing at this point
4. then some subtle revelations can start to come in, regarding factors that are stressful and/or depressing, what we can and can't cope with or tolerate, what certain emotions can be about etc
5. then some key mind altering revelations can begin to hit that can help make sense of a lot. Such revelations can feel somewhat invigorating and inspiring, which can lead to 

     1. being back at good or okay, with greater knowledge

While it can appear as 'going around in circles', I've found it's more about 'cycling up'. With the 4th and 5th stages, you're becoming more conscious, reaching a greater understanding of what you can and can't tolerate, reaching a greater understanding of what some of your triggers are, reaching a greater understanding of certain emotions (some new) etc. With each cycle or revolution, you evolve a little. Can feel like a torturous form of personal evolution at times, that's for sure. I've found there to be 'fast trackers' in life, people who can take me through the revolutions faster, based on helping me make greater sense of a lot in a shorter period of time. Such people can be hard to find but once you find them, they're absolute keepers.