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Unable to wear face mask due to PTSD and Panic reaction

mmMekitty
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor
In late March 2020, I tried & could not wear a face mask. I panicked. I’m unable to wear one since.
Traumatic memories and feelings came up, & now, just thinking of putting on a mask brings up those memories & feelings.
Not being sociable, I thought I‘m OK with being home more. Physical limitations + psychological reactions & I want to be by myself, but I had been trying to get out, joined groups, even thought I had made a few friends.
So much has changed. Now COVID-19 and restrictions, even the ‘eased’ restrictions in SE Qld still mean that masks are required indoors, in other people’s cars, public transport and crowded outdoor places.
I can’t drive. I can’t be sure how far apart I am from others. I am living pretty much as if in strict lockdown.
It is one thing to choose how to live, another to have this isolation forced upon me.
I want to be careful; not put myself at avoidable risk. Finally got 2nd vax dose. But, that does not fully protect me from being infected & infecting others. It’s better (not 100%) at preventing severe illness, and I would be glad to never have to be in ICU, on ventilation. I wonder if I would need to be tranquilised to tolerate that?
I am so angry at that abuser, (I want to swear here), because, after all these years since, I now have this! It puzzles me. I was able to go to a dentist (eventually), & I learned to deal with the panic and wanting to flee. & I had some surgery, a colonoscopy too, and I managed those, including having a mask give anaesthetic to me. But was I given something to help me relax beforehand? I can’t remember.
As much as I have done to deal with past abuses and now this; unexpected. When I panicked it was perhaps even more of an impact than the original abuse, because I could withdraw into my head & feel cut off from what was happening.
Impossible to do now.
If I could, I would do it again to wear a mask & get on & do what I need. Yeah, I would save up my distress; feel & deal later.
I have been dealing with this for year+½, yet, just thinking of putting on a face mask brings up those memories and feelings.
The way things are going, I think I will live a ‘COVID-19 restricted’ life from here on until there is barely any COVID-19 around & masks no longer have to be worn. When?
My community worker is away, Dr will have a break after that, & I’m feeling abandoned, not part of life, ignored & forgotten.
I’m sure that’s untrue, & wonder, how many others are not able to wear masks, & feeling side-lined too?
19 Replies 19

Ggrand
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello mmMekitty...

When we first has to start wearing masks, I found it difficult due to my trauma...I felt that hand over my mouth and nose and not being able to breathe...I resigned myself to living my life at home and doing online shopping etc...so I didn’t have to wear a mask....

Speaking to my Dr and psychiatrist about this..they wouldn’t write me out an exemption...They said to try some exposure therapy while at home...ie: wearing my mask a minute at a time each day..then after a few days to extend that minute to 2 minutes then after a few more days 3 minutes ect..It was hard nearly impossible for the first 3 days...having an anxiety attack ere and there didn’t really help either...

I even started to wear one while I mowed my lawn...only for a few minutes..Eventually all these little bits of exposing myself to wearing a mask..started working and I felt a little more at ease....

I now write out a shopping list, before I go shopping, so I can be quickly in the shop and back out...wearing some ear phones with a nice song on helps to take my mind of the mask as well....

I’m not saying exposure therapy will work for you..but maybe it’s something that you might consider trying in the safety of your own home first...before venturing out wearing one....

I have now made my own mask..different from the normal ones..but it’s one that is light weight and not to tight around my mouth and nose...its made from cotton and it’s easy to breathe through...I can feel that I’m breathing fresh air and not the hot recycled air that those paper mask produce..

We can only do what we can do..and I think that sometimes these professionals and government rules are not thought over enough for mental health and PTSD strugglers..

My kindest thoughts Dear mmmMekitty..

Grandy..

mmMekitty
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Grandy, thank you.

I have been trying, I get no better than 30 secs and my mind is racing, I am feeling i can't breathe, must get away, you know, make it stop. The whole trip.

It was suggested to begin with a mask which is not the right type, i.e. insufficient, until I got more comfortable. It is evident to me that the physical sensation of the edges of the mask are also a problem. I am not sure I can be more explicit than that here.

I get worried that with each failed attempt I am only making the problem worse. I would have liked some improvement to hang a little hope and confidence onto. I simply began to despair & now, I guess I will wait for whichever comes first. Getting that ** mask on me or we don't have to use them anymore, or at least so infrequently I could work around those days.

While for weeks and months masks are required, I am thoroughly grounded. Even with my helper, it takes minimum half an hour to shop for food. I make a list for her, too. But I am not comfortable going out without a mask to supermarkets, in shopping centres. As difficult as online shopping for food is, I think it is the better option for everyone that I do not go.

Even while I do not see how people are looking at me, I am feeling very self-conscious when I have had to go out. I imagine judgemental looks, disapproving looks, things like that, which are hard to quell.

There was also emotional/psychological abuse from my (ex-)stepmother. (& then some)

Shopping is easier when I have someone with me, & we chat, laugh, and get the it done quickly. They find where to go, what I am wanting etc.

Earphones sound like a great idea for you, & others, too, I suspect.

Being deaf in one ear, I need the other to hear my helper, and what's going on around me, so unfortunately, I don't think so for me.

My Dr was not the one who gave me the exemption. I went to my (?) GP who wrote up a Mental Health Care Plan and the GP Practice has a Psychologist who works there part-time. I saw her, intermittently, once via the phone. She is too chatty, and does not help me focus on the precise issue I came to her for. I try, but I get so distracted. She could not give me reliable appointments either.

I like my PsychDr, but he takes a long-term approach. Please, not for this, I thought.

Ggrand, Grandy - which you prefer? Thanks again, 😸mmMekitty

mmMekitty
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Oh, &, Ggrand

While I might be comforted by knowing I am not alone with this problem, I am thrilled that you are getting on top of it.

I am aware exposure therapy is often very effective. That was why I thought she would help. That and her other credentials. I investigated her a bit before choosing to see her.

I was also happy she would bulk bill. I'm paying excess of what Medicare will cover even when I have reached the 100% threshold, so it would be very hard to pay someone else to help me with this separately.

mmMekitty mm mmm mm mmmm mmm (unsteady purring)

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear mmMekitty (wiht a respectful wave to Grandy)

Why respectful Grandy? because of the way you told of your experiences leading to intense feelings over masks.

I sympathies over the loss of a singing voice. I was properly trained and in a choir. I remember us being bussed down to London on one occasion to be conducted by Sir Adrian Bolt during a festival.

Then my voice broke - squeaks followed by groans. I ended up sounding rather like Lee Marvin singing "I was born under a wandrin' star", not good. I still miss it.

As for trying to do things that generate a very adverse reaction I use an app called 'Smiling Mind'

https://www.smilingmind.com.au/smiling-mind-app

Which takes my mind away from the current hassle and leaves me feeling calmer. There is an exercise for everyone, even me, who has a concentration span of a flea. Takes practice but I've found it well worth it to break up unwanted thoughts.

Have you come across it yourself?

Croix

Ggrand
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello mmMekitty,

I think even 30 seconds is a good start...you are doing well in doing that...It takes times and energy to do something that our mind thinks is going to hurt us...even though we know it won’t....All the trauma is still bottled up inside our brain and it doesn’t take much at all to trigger those memories of abuse....

The thing is and it’s hard to do, is to tell ourselves when panic starts is that you are safe..,that person is no longer walking beside you..they can’t hurt me now...

I know its easy to say those words...but very hard to believe them....I often get triggered into a PTSD downer...My counsellor and psychiatrist has both told me that PTSD is here to stay, and that I need to try and believe that my abuser can no longer hurt me....Memories cannot be washed out of our brain...so we have to learn techniques to help us, when we have been triggered..,.and that is to distract our thoughts as soon as we realise we are hurting..

Kitty..(if that okay)...I felt and still do feel the eyes looking at me when I’m outside...I say to myself that these people are just going about their own business and are probably feeling as anxious as I am....I doubt anyone likes to wear a mask...What I don’t like is how loud people need to talk to be heard...raised voices is a trigger for me, that’s why I listen to music while I’m shopping etc..

You’re doing a good job Kitty, Praise yourself for even having your mask on 30 sec..Tomorrow it might be 40 seconds...and that’s 30/40 seconds that you have progressed from zero seconds....

I’m pleased you like your PsychDr. and he seems to care about you...

Please try hard to believe in yourself, and know your doing the best you can...be very gentle on your beautiful self..and know that many other people, including me are having a hard time of wearing that mask....One day this will end..until then we can only do our best...

Talk here when you feel up to it...We are here for you dear Kitty....

Croix thank you for your respectful wave..it really means a lot to me,,

My kindest thoughts Dear Kitty...

Grandy...

ps..I really do prefer Grandy...but it’s up to you, what you feel comfortable calling me..

mmMekitty
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hello Grandy and Croix,

I prefer calling people by the name they choose. Personally, I would rather not be anonymous and use my own chosen name. hat might be another Thread. To respect the guidelines, I have compromised and have chosen to use the name I gave my cat.

I will check out the 'Smiling Minds' app.

Your support and gentle words give me courage. I know it is going to take a lot of determination, and I need to make one of my 'set in concrete' decisions to move forward.

I struggle with knowing it will be difficult and painful, especially while I feel I have to force myself to try and try and try. In my head, I remind myself, I am doing this for me, This is for me - not against him, to spite him, and the pain is not the pain he caused. I want to get him right out of the way of my wearing a mask.

I am so disheartened to now, after 47 years since I stopped his abuse, that I have this brand new effect of that abuse to deal with.

I don't know what I had intended when I got into this reply...it's the writing; it brings out the emotion so easily. Do I permit this much pain? It is like I am hurting myself, just as badly as he hurt me.

This might be necessary to sort out first. I don't want to be substituting myself for him and continuing on with the abuse as if I had never stopped him. But that is what it feels like whenever I cause myself significant pain. Yes, putting on the mask is like putting his hand over my mouth, blocking my nose in order to keep me quiet.

Of all the episodes, that evening was the worse for the impact it has had on me. I include the way, where, and how he manipulated me both physically and emotionally, and how my distress went unacknowledged by him and my family afterwards. Just to underscore that, taking my turn to wash the dishes was more important than seeing my tears.

I have been working through all the various abuse, from several people, since 1992, and that was because my personal defences had broken down. Singing, writing, painting, learning to talk, learning to accept my emotions, allowing them to be, over and over. I have even allowed others to read things I have written, our writers' group made two recordings, with a little of my writing included. Someone read for me. I still can't do that, but my words have been shared and heard by people I have not even met.

I had hoped I could get this under control. I wanted it to go away. That child in me still wishing.

But thanks; glad you're here - out there, you know?.

n2k12
Community Member
I totally get this! the longest i have worn a face mask is 20 mins. after that, my vision went..weird. the world felt / look distorted, and like it was "flipping". I have wondered if i have PTSD. or CPTSD. Thanks for sharing. i hope you can manage to look after yourself during this crisis

mmMekitty
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi n2k12 (play ches?)

Along with the thoughts and feelings, the replay of the memories, I also noticed my breathing (as well as other physical reactions). I mention the breathing in particular because I, (when I was a silly teenager), used to deliberately hyperventilate. My breathing when I try to wear a mask goes awry like that too. Hyperventilating does effect one's perceptions.

Chats I had with my P.Dr and the Psychologist I saw (oh, yes - many are doing consults via telehealth in these days of COVID), we talked about breathing, how important it is to maintain a natural breath, not to be tempted to breathe shallowly. For me, however, it is too hot, humid and close & suffocating; feeling I can't endure.

I try to distract myself, trying to focus on a song in my head and use the rhythm or reading my email, Talking makes the feelings worse, and maybe that was my initial mistake.

Oddly, I forgot, the first time I tried wearing was while I was talking to my P.Dr. I was nervous about it, so not relaxed, even giggly, as I am when nervous. I wanted to demonstrate I could wear it, so I could go to his rooms again.

I have had a rough day today, having written all I have so far on this Thread.

I spoke to my P.Dr (yesterday, [Thursday arvo] telling him these things I have been writing, how much emotion the writing brings up and about how isolated I feel lately. & he's going on a break at the end of this week. I won't be able to talk to him for the next two Thursdays.

He does expect me to hang tough, or would he be leaving me to my own resources if he thought I could not get through his break? I have to say, "yes he does think I will be OK".

& I guess I will, after all, I have been through some very tough times with no support whatsoever. I have been feeling so really shaky, I have doubts and fears.

It is getting late, so ... nighty-night, all. Happy, warm dreams to you.

mmMekitty

Hello mmMekitty, where I live many people at the supermarket don't wear masks because supposedly their doctor has given them a reason why they don't need to wear one, that's how ridiculous the rules set up by the government are, but these people either work for the supermarket or are customers and nobody stops them, it's just accepted.

Geoff.