Tired

[Delectable]

I’m tired of a lot of things, of doing this thing called life alone. I chose not to have children after living a traumatic childhood till I was 13 and placed in stare care. I never experienced love from my family or my past boyfriends. I have spent my entire life feeling never good enough for people, in the last fifteen years after I left a relationship I have felt more distant then ever. I worked as much as possible so I was either tired and didn’t think about the loneliness. I lot a few contracts and started baking, giving the food away when I could afford to do so. I’ve rented for the last 15 years and have had to do one bad move which was very hard on me giving away a beautiful harden and accessories to people I thought were friends but users in the end as I only live 30kns away and they choose to have nothing to do with me. I only work one day now and am struggling with filling in time, I do exercise every day for an hour, but there’s still over 13 hours to fill in. As i live in Victoria near NSW I’m stuck because of the coronavirus in Melbourne and not allowed out of my state though my area hadn’t had any cases for 90 days.

Tired of making friends to be let down by then, one life friend said speak to the psychologist, so I speak once every 6 weeks. I really don’t see much point continuing my life, there’s only so much one can take and I feel like ending my life especially iff I cannot go to Queensland in December for Christmas which I have not had Christmas for over 35 years with anyone. I do not take drugs or drink alcohol, just extremely overtired of my living.

[Delectable]

Thanks for caring Hanna and Bananie, it’s ok to spend your time on more worthwhile people. Life experience tells me I’m not one of those people and obviously I’m the problem, there’s something wrong with me. My dad used to tell me all the time from infancy till he dropped dead I was bad like my mother, so I believe that now, otherwise I wouldn’t be in this situation I’m in now,

[therising]

Hi Delectable

It will definitely be interesting to see how things play out regarding coming out of this stage of lock down. Having taught my teenagers to question just about everything questionable, had a conversation with my 18yo daughter which involved a lot of questions, a couple being 'Does it make sense to you that we have absolutely zero cases over a couple of days? Do you think the stats are rigged?' We can't be the only ones wondering. I wish everyone had a common sense approach to this virus, then we could manage it effectively. In my life it's common sense to wonder about a lot. Eg: I wonder if I use an EFTPOS machine without a glove on, can I pick up the virus. Yes. I wear a glove. If I'm wondering if I have hay fever but I'm not 100% sure, do I go into work. No. I work in aged care by the way. The COVID safety standards are incredibly high where I work. I actually would get tested and not leave the house, to enter the public, 'til the results came back. Sounds a little simplistic perhaps but I don't think people are dong enough wondering when it comes to this virus.

Paris...ahhh. Beautiful place. For my mum, it feels like home to her and she misses it. She's only traveled there a few times in her life but it captured her attention and her heart. It's strange how that happens. I have a place where my mum, my kids and myself holiday every Easter, just outside of Lakes Entrance. For me, it feels like going home when we travel there. We missed it this year because of COVID but I look forward to returning or re-turning to the place where I can feel like my most natural self. Whether it's somewhere in France or somewhere in the East of Victoria, when a place calls to you, it's a soulful experience. I believe, such a calling tells you who you naturally are.

Delectable, when I read some of your posts, I can't help feel angry for you. How anyone can be subjected to so many insensitive people just blows my mind. I imagine myself lining them up (the living and those who have passed) and yelling at them 'How the hell could you have been so insensitive? How could you have been so thoughtless? How could so many bring one person down, when they had the chance to raise them?'

It's tough when you're sensitive to the words and actions of insensitive people. There are so many insensitive words and people in this world. I am very sensitive to those who need a good slapping. A psychological slap (wake up call), of course 🙂 Hard not to take it further at times.

🙂

[Delectable]

I heard today the Melbourne people saying they have been locked up for 6 months, they must have short term memories as in July they were still travelling all over Victoria and trying to get in nsw, I have friends in hospitality who had to record their license, so yeah, then I hear they all went to spotlight and Kmart at 12.01 am today because they went without for so long. The world has gone mad, I shop online the whole time to avoid people and I live on the border of NSW. If I had to go to Aldi I’d go early Sunday as not many go then, I realise with each passing day how different I am to others. Every day someone verbally attacks me which frankly I am over, I feel like saying shut up, last night I was told I’m hurtful and nasty because I wouldn’t accept a gift of food from friends I’m supposed to stay with at Christmas, that I should have taken it and given it away, mind you she only gave me one choice of delivery, a Monday between 2 and 10pm. I go to dance class that night and go to bed at 8 every night to switch my thinking off so it wasn’t acceptable, another reason I didn’t take the offer. She said if you give gifts to people then you should get them back or it’s not a friendship. I bake cakes for people to give me something to do and give them away, I don’t expect anything I return, I don’t do it to get things back. I’m sure this pandemic has brought the worse out in people, I’m tired of all the shit. I feel like saying say the shit when I’m no longer around you pathetic people, but I don’t.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Delectable,

We're sorry to hear that some of your friendships are struggling. Having stress in our important relationships is really tough. It's good to hear that you're doing things you enjoy like dance class and baking - you sound like a really generous person. 

You mentioned that you see a psychologist every six weeks. Have you opened up to your psychologist about feeling tired of living? It's concerning that you feel this way and it's important that you have someone that you can open up to about these feelings.

We know that you already know, but just as a reminder you can always reach out to our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Feel free to keep us updated on how you're going whenever you feel up to it.

[Delectable]

Yes she knows, and frankly it’s my life, I have to live it day in and day out . If someone had cancer it’s ok for them to die but not suicide, they are both pain.

Telephone lines and people aren’t going to change my situation, all the shit is going to be there regardless of the situation.

[Bananie1234]

Hi Delectable,

We understand you are suffering and we really do feel for you. I guess for me, I don’t want you to give up yet. I understand what you need are genuine people in your life. And i believe that may still happen for you, i reckon a support group might be good for you? Where you can actually share your experience and thoughts with others and meet like-minded people?

i think these groups might be helpful to you.

https://www.outdoorsinc.org.au/

https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/resources-support/support-groups/

Please feel free to keep in touch with us here. x

[therising]

Hi Delectable

People are definitely interesting and triggering at times. Working out how to 'manage' them can be a challenge. I've found working myself out in the process to be part of that challenge. Typically, there will be some revelations that come to me throughout any challenge.

Take the gift giving aspect you mentioned, how some people will expect something in return. Through the process of understanding people, I've come to see disappointment from a unique perspective, one that serves me well. Example, you could say 'If you're going to appoint me the role of someone who gives a gift in return, I'm going to automatically disappoint myself from that role. I know you may not like that but I can't help but appoint myself as 'the person who gives and receives unconditionally' instead'. I believe the roles we appoint or are appointed to us really have to be roles that can be filled.

Another one you might be able to relate to: If someone appoints you the role of 'he or she who has the ability to see the best in people', they need to be realistic. You could say 'If you expect me to see the best in people when all I've been led to seeing is the worst, let's get real'. You could even say 'I appoint myself as someone who has the ability to see the worst, so as not to face disappointment'. In actual fact, if you were paid for your sensitivity or ability to easily spot foolishness, thoughtlessness and so on, you'd be regarded as expert in your field of employment.

I believe we've been conditioned to see 'disappointment' in a negative way, as opposed to seeing it in a practical way. Personally, I've come to appoint most folk's behaviour as 'questionable'. I'm rarely disappointed 🙂 I've come to question people's behaviour often, my own included. With my own behaviour, I've come to understand part of it to be due to social conditioning and part of it as being my natural self. Hard to work out which is which at times.

The appointment/disappointment aspect has actually led me to observe people (in general) as being somewhat insane, with the thought 'Are you crazy?!' often coming to mind. Eg: When the response from most folk being 'We all had to do it', when you mention how sorry you feel for young people these days, going through a depressing, highly stressful and uninspiring education system, you really have to question their response. When depression, high levels of stress and a lack of inspiration are regarded as a 'normal rite of passage', that is insane.

🙂

[Delectable]

I’m not crazy, I’m tired of the shit thanks, nor am I sensitive. If one had to endure 48 years of shit endlessly they would be fed up as well.

[therising]

Hi Delectable

From my experience, it's not until you just can't tolerate people's degrading or thoughtless behaviour anymore that you realise 'Hang on a second, these people are insane if they think I'm going to continue to take it and they're truly insane if they think their behaviour is 'acceptable''. It's like you wake up and realise you can be surrounded by somewhat crazy people who try to convince you you're the crazy or difficult one. Just wanted to clarify, it's about others and the impact they can have on us.

The sensitive aspect is not so much about the traditional view of sensitivity. When people say 'Oh, you're so sensitive', it's like an insult or you're being referred to as weak. Personally, being sensitive to what I refuse to tolerate is what has led me to challenge people in my life a lot more than I used to. Being sensitive to the need to question people can definitely have you labelled as 'challenging' or 'difficult' or even 'a bi**h'. Being sensitive to the tone in someone's voice or the expression on their face has actually led me to read people much better. It's like you can spot their intentions or their motives. Eg: You can say to someone 'Are you able to help me with this?' with them responding 'Yeah, sure'. A slight shrug of the shoulders at the same time they're speaking can tell you they're unsure and not fully committed. Sensitivity is not all about sweetness and insecurities, even the most successful of business people will tell you that their instinct is generally spot on because they're sensitive to any sudden changes in the stock market or they're sensitive to other people's nature in business and when they're being scre**d with. Being sensitive in this case can put you a step ahead of the game. It's a strength, as opposed to a weakness.

It sounds like you're sensitive to other people's sh** in a constructive way, you can spot it a mile away. It's a strength, an ability not everyone has. Being a human sh** detector definitely has its advantages.

🙂

[Delectable]

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