Sudden death of an old friend

[Fiatlux]

Hi,

I learnt earlier this week that a childhood friend passed away suddenly last week. I haven’t seen her in over 10 years but I can’t stop thinking about the awful abuse she suffered as a child.

I read a tribute to her today. Posted by her parents. These are the same parents who were often physically and violently abusive. I can’t get my head around it or them. The parents had severed ties with her as she didn’t fit their perfect family portrait. But now put on a show of fake love as they prepare to lay her to rest. I wonder if they feel remorse?

I remember a time when she missed a week off school. Her parents both assaulted her for coming home late one night. She spent several days in bed recovering. I saw her injuries as they healed, while her parents boasted to mine, that they taught her a harsh lesson.

I feared her father, more than I feared my own.

I wonder how her trauma may have impacted on her early and sudden death. Her heart just stopped beating.

My own heart aches for her. I recall our nights out, going to see live bands. Dancing in night clubs and just being young and carefree. All she wanted, what we all wanted, is to be loved.

My heart aches for her one and only son and hope that his father is looking out for him now. She complained endlessly about child birth but she doted on her little boy.

I have been suicidal at times as well but this death, her death has me grief stricken.

I would reach out to her sister but I am unsure if they had any contact at all recently. The last I heard, she was estranged from her extended family.

I don’t know what I want out of this post, except that I need to get this out. My heart is aching.

She often told me that I had a wonderful dad compared to hers. 🙏🏼

[Sophie_M]

Dear Fiatlux
 
Thankyou posting, we know that it can be incredibly difficult to share our story, so we want to say thank you for showing such courage in posting and sharing that experience - you never know who will read this post and feel less alone on their own journey as also for you too.
 
We are sorry to hear about the loss of your friend; grief can often leave us reflecting on how things were, how they perhaps should have been and with a great sense of sadness for the childhood in which she was raised.  It’s beautiful to know she had a friend in you, no matter how long ago you had contact, you cared, and still do.  

It is in moments like these, we like to offer a friendly ear to listen and we’re sure we’ll hear from some of our lovely community members here on your thread soon. As you know, they are a great community, and will have understanding, advice and kind words for you.  

Thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.
 
Kind Regards
 
Sophie M

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Fiatlux,

I’m so sorry to hear of the loss of your friend. You clearly really cared about her and understood the challenges and impacts she had from childhood trauma. That shows you are a kind and empathic person.

I hope you can find some solace in the good memories of going out and socialising, dancing and seeing live bands. That is an experience she got to share with you and, as you say, have that carefree time, like a break from the other struggles she had in life.

My Mum died from sudden heart failure a year and a half ago and like your friend had childhood trauma of emotional and physical abuse. I too have wondered about the impact of trauma and her heart giving out when it did, as she had a lot of heartbreak throughout her life too and particularly in her last year.

For me I try to remember good memories with Mum while feeling compassion for the hard times she went through. I also feel a lot of gratitude for the efforts she made as a mother despite her own struggles.

I’m not sure if that helps, but sometimes just meditating on the good qualities of the person and the fact you got to share some of your life with them and enjoy their company can help ease some of the pain of the loss. They gave you something as a friend and you gave them something as a friend and that’s a special connection to have, and I think the feeling of connection and shared experience always stays with you.

Take care 🙏

[geoff]

Hello Fiatlux, my deepest thoughts are with you and feel the sadness in your postfor the loss of your dear friend.

The devastation she must have suffered is mind-boggling, something no one should have to endure, and to have to be silent is not why we have parents, my heart goes out to her as well as you.

My kindest thoughts.

Geoff.

[smallwolf]

Hi.

You are a good writer. I feel the anger, hurt, care and compassion in it. If you cannot say it out loud then perhaps the next best thing is to write it down somewhere?

I can see you really cared for this person, your friend who died and send you my deepest condolences.

It is sad when people have a public face a different one in private and the private one sounded abusive. I hope there is some way you will be able to move forward from this. Perhaps some way of keeping your friend's memory alive?

My heart goes out to you

[Fiatlux]

Thank you to everyone who has read this and replied.

My dear friend was a bit of a wild spirit. She did live hard and fast at times. But settled down eventually…

She struggled through addiction among other ailments during her life.

It took me years to figure her out. She was cheeky and a rebel.

I doubt that she is resting. Knowing her, she’s busy flying around somewhere, haunting those who have harmed her.