Still trying to understand what to call it

[AnonymousID]

I am still having troubles understanding my childhood trauma and I find that I can't talk about it to anyone because I don't know what to call it or whether I should be so ashamed of my involvement in it that I shouldn't tell anyone to avoid judgment.

i was very very young when I had my first sexual experiences. I was asked to do some pretty disgusting things at a young age before I knew what they were or what they meant. The kid or asked me to do it was my age so idk if I can get angry at them because they got the knowledge of how to do that stuff from somewhere. But I do get angry and physically assault them in my dreams. I get so angry at them and then I get so angry at myself for going along with it and doing what I did. Besides getting bad dreams it's really messed with my sex life. I haven't had sex since I remembered this suppressed memory 7 years ago. It just all seems so disgusting now. I even remember an instance where someone saw and told me I was disgusting. And then I also feel bad about myself for being able to forget it for so long. Can I call it sexual assault or what? Who do I get angry at? Who's fault is it?

[Aaronsis]

Hello AnonymousID

What a painful and very traumatic post to write let alone have to experience. I am so very sorry that you went through this as a child and that now it has effected you into your adult life. Yes, it is very much sexual abuse, yes it is very much trauma and you have every reason to be angry and to want to blame and lash out. What was done to you as a child was wrong, was abuse and was not your fault. As you said, you had no idea of what it was or what it meant, so how on earth can you be held responsible for this.

What you can do now is go about getting some support from professionals to help you through this and to work through the pain and the abuse that you suffered as a child so that it does not continue to interrupt your life, so that you can have peace and that you can enjoy a healthy sex life again, should that be what you want.

There are some really great support services for childhood sexual abuse and one is Reachout, I will put the link here:

https://au.reachout.com/articles/sexual-assault-support

Another one is blue knot foundation and the link is here:

\https://www.blueknot.org.au/Survivors/Support/Resources-for-Survivors/Finding-Care-and-Support

I am so beyond sorry that this has happened to you, it is absolutely not ok and I am just so sorry you have to now go about healing from damage another person has caused you.

We are here for you to chat, to listen and to be with you through this time as you get some support for yourself and to get some things off your chest. You are not disgusting, you are also not what happened to you, this is not what defines you as a person.

Welcome to the forum and for sharing such a personal and heart wrenching story with us, we are here for you.

Hugs to you AnonymousID

Sarah

[AnonymousID]

Thanks for your support and nice words. I didn't know there could be so many places for people in my situation. It was a big step for me to say something but if I am to deal with these horrible thoughts I have been happening I must address everything that led to it

[Kat_]

It's so understandable that you're feeling the way you're describing - confused, angry, upset, distressed and all. I would be feeling the same in your shoes. It's so difficult to work through those memories, emotions, and experiences alongside everyday life also. You're very brave and incredible for dealing with this for so long.

I found that most of what I want to write is really just saying the same thing as Aaronsis who put it so well. So, what I'll say is - there are many, many people, on this page alone, let alone out in the world, who believe in the kind words they wrote to you. You are seen, you are valid, and you are not responsible, nor are you disgusting, because of what happened to you, which was not within your control. You are strong, brave, resilient and a survivor.

My heart goes out to you, and I wish you all the best.

Kat

[AnonymousID]

Thank you so much for your kind and understanding words

[geoff]

Hello AnonymousID, thanks for talking to us, it's not something that would or could easily be discussed with people you don't know, but we don't judge, we only give advice from our own experience or suggestions, so please don't be afraid.

You were young and with someone the same age it's easy to understand how a little coaxing could encourage one another, we were all kids once and copied, demonstrated, enticed and certainly wanted for our friends to join in.

We didn't know what it meant or the repercussions involved or whether our parents would find out and then discipline us, that was the thrill and excitement of being young no matter what it entailed.

Young boys used to satisfy themselves and if caught, demonstrative words would be said back to us, but this was unable to stop us, perhaps for a very time, but it continued on.

Whatever happened is a childhood experience and has possibly happened with other children on the process of learning.

You were young and didn't know what was right to wrong, so please don't punish yourself, just as another example, young kids used to smoke mum and dad's left over cigarettes or drink any alcohol left after a party, and heaven forbid if their parents found out.

Take care.

Geoff.